What Advice Would You Give Someone Starting Their Sobriety Journey?
Tips, encouragement, and inspiration from our community!
“What advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or is newly sober?” We ask this as part of the My Sobriety Story series, and I recently posed the same question on Notes (Substack’s social media platform, for those unfamiliar).
The responses included practical tips, encouragement, inspiration, and heartfelt reminders that while sobriety is a deeply personal journey, we are never truly alone.
Thank you to everyone who participated. Head below to read the responses and add your own in the comments!
What advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or is newly sober?
“If anyone takes issue with your decision to become sober, that’s their problem, not yours. If you have made the decision to become sober or are considering it, you are doing it for the right reasons, whatever they happen to be. Nobody else’s opinion should stand in the way of you making this decision because, ultimately, it only affects you and your life. And believe me, it will only affect it for the better.”
—
,“Time takes time. You can do this. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Most importantly: build community, find beverages that work for you, and create your own wellness toolkit.”
—
,“Days stack up into decades and while there are more nuanced reasons than this, this remains the one that means the most to me: I can trust myself sober. Doesn’t mean I do everything right or well by a long shot. But I answer to myself and for myself and that allows me to trust myself and that means everything to me.”
—
,“Be patient with yourself early on. It takes a little time to start feeling better once your body (and mind) stop screaming at you to have a few drinks. It’s so worth it though to stop waking up hungover, full of self loathing, head pounding, regretting things you said or texts you sent to God knows who that will require an apology (again).”
—
“My advice would be: make yourself your number one priority. Radical self-care and self-compassion are essential for people who want sobriety to stick. This can be really hard, especially when we may have spent most of our lives suppressing our feelings and needs. Now is the time to give yourself the gift of love. Notice what you’re feeling, notice what you really need in each moment and meet that need with love.
In the early days, this might mean saying no to things like going to a bar or party if you feel that would trigger with you. Maybe people will be annoyed. That’s OK. It won’t be like this forever. Now is the time to build yourself a solid foundation for your sobriety and that foundation needs to be built with fierce love and compassion for yourself. Remember: this is the biggest gift you could give to yourself and the impact of your sobriety will ripple out to all of your relationships.
Stay the course. Remember why you’re doing this. And remember love is always there for you.”
—
,“My advice is stay. Stay in it and keep with it even when (especially when) it feels like you’re crawling out of your skin. Because that means it’s working. That means you are fully feeling and on the other side of that discomfort is the unfiltered beauty of sobriety.
Also find community. It doesn’t need to be AA, either. It can be coming back here [or] to Sober Soulful often. There are so many options now. I have been a member of TLC (The Luckiest Club) continuously since getting sober (in 2021). Knowing you aren’t alone in this and having others understand what it is you’re going through (whether a victory or struggle) feels so necessary (for me). I’m an introvert but I need my sober people.”
—
,“Never question the decision. I first read that in the book Quit Like A Woman, by Holly Whitaker, and I think she was referencing another person? Anyway. Such a good mantra!”
—
,“I would say educate yourself about what exactly alcohol does to your mind and body. Once you know it, you can’t unknow it and your mindset will change. Reading This Naked Mind by Annie Grace was the turning point for me after years of failed attempts to become sober by the more traditional ways. I literally changed my mind. Sober just over four years now. 😊”
—
“Almost four years sober, there’s lots of tips. My most practical one though: find a fun drink for yourself to indulge in! Be that some made for NA beverage, some neat juice concoction, a fancy soda. Also, a replacement beverage can be very handy when you’re still around other drinkers.”
—
,“Do stuff. Take the money you’d normally be spending, and treat yourself. Have experiences. Do the things you missed out on. Focus on the fact that you are able to have fun in different ways and wouldn’t be able to if you were still drinking/using.
You might have to make new friends. Having a hobby helps with that.
Guilt doesn’t help you get or stay sober, so don’t beat yourself up. If you made mistakes, hurt people etc., come to terms with it but don’t let it consume you. Learn from it.”
—
,“I’ve been sober for over 12 years. I often hear people say they can’t imagine not ever drinking again. Especially someone relatively young. They future-trip about holidays, weddings, social gatherings, etc. I suggest to them that they don’t worry about those things. They only need to focus on not drinking today.
My 12 years of sobriety are made up of 12 years of todays.”
—
“Alcohol-free for 66 days today! My best advice is be gentle on yourself, slow down and really practice mindfulness. Examine each and every moment as if it were you first experience. It really helps when you start to get fidgety and your mind starts wandering. ❤️”
—
“After many attempts to get sober while under the influence of diet culture, thus expecting to also make my body smaller or more defined when I surrendered alcohol, my suggestion is to be aware of this pervasive conditioning and do not have expectations other than to get sober.
If you have other issues, just be aware how they are likely entwined with the alcohol use (as my disordered eating was). Knowledge and acceptance will go a long ways! Sober 2+ years.”
—
,“I just celebrated 30 years clean and sober, and if I could go back and give a message to my early sober self, I’d say: ‘Grasshopper, don’t believe the hype, don’t fall in lockstep, don’t pay attention to the opinions of others who are sober but miserable. Trust your relationship to spirit and to what helping spirits have instilled in your heart, soul, and bones and which you know to be true.
Now, put your mouthguard in, get back out there, and kick addiction’s butt.”
—
,“Alcohol will never give you what you are actually looking for: yourself. I stopped drinking in 1996 because I found that it kept me from knowing myself. It left me disconnected, which hurt even more. Letting go of alcohol is a decision I have never regretted, because it has given me the space to let go of my pain, grow, and become the person I am today. Today’s me is someone who is strong, vulnerable, and messily imperfect, and I have come to love her just as she is. I never could have been this version of me while drinking.”
—
,“Self-compassion is necessary. Be gentle with yourself, because you likely will be flooded with feelings of guilt and shame. Feel it. Don’t run. Let it wash over you as you sit in the discomfort. But as you do all that try to lean on people you trust. Don’t hold it all in, but talk with others who understand and won’t judge. Because you may feel judged and that’s normal. The judgment we have against ourselves is probably the worst though.
And that’s where community is key. Finding other sober people that understand what it is that you’re going through - is so cool. Those are the people you can count on. This part is crucial. You truly cannot do it alone, as the isolation is so often our downfall.
But the freedom and relief on this side is truly brighter and more incredible than any other day spent drinking. I never want to go back.”
—
,“I have been AF for 14 months, had my first drink at 13. I was 63 when I quit, and except for 2 pregnancies never cared about quitting. I retired and truly couldn’t figure out my place in the world, so my drinking game went up a notch!
I started experiencing worse sleep, stomach upset/reflux, depression and found a FB group sober curious, this OPENED the door for me to make a change.
I didn’t know anyone who had quit, or how it could improve my life, as I navigated comments in this group, and book recommendations, my world began to change, but it was over the course of 6 months. When I quit I had AF drink options in place, I had a plan for my first sober outing which was a retirement party and I was so nervous about people asking what I was drinking, I had seltzer with splash of cran and lime, ha no one really cared, but I didn’t feel like an outcast.
I sincerely tried to keep the focus off of me, as I became more comfortable with my decision, then after about a month I committed to no more alcohol. I did yoga as much as possible, I cried silently in meditation, because I was feeling the feels, but it was still better than hungover/shame/regret friggin cycle.
Legitimately I played the tape forward, ‘if I drink, what will the night be like, how about tomorrow morning’ this helped me many many times.
My last bit of advice, I wish I knew how bad it was for me younger, and that I should have quit sooner. But oh well, it’s the best thing I did for myself. Set the intention and make a plan.”
—
“Sober living gives you everything you were looking for in the bottle—without the hangovers. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you get to face whatever it was that you were trying to avoid. But the good news about that is you will be able to—and in the process discover what self respect and dignity are all about.
My last drink was April 12, 1976. No one today would ever recognize the person I was then. I’m so grateful.”
—
,“Never underestimate the shame-lifting power of keeping promises to yourself. The vicious cycle can reverse and become a virtuous one—one day at a time.”
—
,“Peace is by far the best greatest gift of the journey. It is there waiting for you.”
—
“You have to have something to be sober FOR. Create a life that you want, rather than one you want to avoid.”
—
,“keep in mind that it’s breaking a habit - and likely substitution of a new (positive) habit can only help take the place.”
—
,“It’s going to feel very weird (almost impossible), but you are going to have to be KIND to yourself. Likely kinder than you’ve ever been. Getting sober is hard and lonely and feels like you’re moving in slow motion. If you can wake up every day and remind yourself to just be nice to yourself, you’ll have an infinitely better chance.
The first couple of years I tried sobriety, I was so angry—angry that I’d gotten into this predicament, that I’d ‘disappointed’ everyone (including myself), and that I’d seriously fucked up my life. I was miserable. So then when I felt lonely or like I wasn’t doing it ‘right,’ I relapsed—a few times. And each time was worse than the last.
It wasn’t until I reached a point where I was completely falling apart that I realized I was going to have to love myself no matter what. I had to stop the negative self-talk. I thought I was supposed to be my toughest critic, but all I was doing was sabotaging myself, setting myself up to fail.
I decided to be my biggest cheerleader (corny, right??) instead of my worst critic. It was the switch I needed. I just turned 12 years sober last weekend, and now I have the hindsight to see how much easier and better sobriety is when I’m on my own team instead of my own worst enemy.
Practical tips: have a list of things to do when you’re antsy like call a friend, take a bath, go for a walk, cook some food, watch a movie, get a manicure, go for a hike/to the gym, make art, read a book, take a nap, go to a bookstore…, and find some AA meetings you like.”
—
,“I am clean and sober from all substances. My advice is based on a psychological understanding of the disorder of addiction. Get a therapist and meet with the therapist at least once a week. Talk to the therapist about your childhood and the ‘bad things’ that happened to you. I have been attending 12 Step meetings for 35 years and every single person I’ve heard share experienced ‘bad things’ in childhood. The ‘bad things’ caused shame. Using alcohol and drugs relieved the shame, but also caused more shame and so the using becomes self-perpetuating. Work your steps. Especially Step 5. In Step 9 make amends to yourself. Learn mindfulness self-compassion. Change your higher power from drugs and alcohol to recovery.”
—
,“You will never regret trying out sobriety, but you may regret never trying.”
—
,“If you can get excellent at Step 4, you’re going to be able to manage sobriety very well. If you are constantly taking inventory of what’s going on inside you, you'll be able to pre-empt all of the resentment, negativity, self-pity, and other dangerous feelings that lead most people to relapse. And get rid of them. Step 4 is what keeps you healthy, and therefore sober.”
—
,“I’ve been happily & proudly sober since August 31st, 2014, after having battled alcohol addiction for close to 15 years. I had been thinking about quitting before that date, but it took a near fatal car crash & seeing 2 guys in my hospital ward flatline & die right in front of me as I watched helplessly, thinking I would be next.
The police were even astounded as to how I survived the accident & when I saw what was left of my car, I broke down in tears at my own stupidity for getting behind the wheel while drunk. As soon as I got out of hospital (there for nearly 3 months), I got home & destroyed the bar I had set up with my bare hands & vowed to quit altogether after realising how lucky I was to still be breathing. In a way, I was scared into sobriety.
The truly sad thing was that at the time I started my journey to sobriety & told my friends I would no longer be drinking, many of them abandoned me & wanted nothing to do with me (their loss, not mine). The thing I’m most proud of in regards to my journey to sobriety is that I did it all on my own WITHOUT professional help (“cold turkey”, I believe they call it). I’m now happily married (my wife also doesn’t drink alcohol), have 2 infant kids under 5 & a crazy, but loveable dog & I just couldn’t be happier. The urge to drink alcohol was difficult to overcome at first & it took about 15 months before it disappeared altogether.
To anyone considering sobriety, I simply say ‘GO FOR IT!!’ It’s not going to happen overnight, but if you are determined enough to beat the addiction, it can & will happen… But you are the one that has to take that first step in ADMITTING you have a problem & want help. It’s out there… “Seek & ye shall find”. I just hope it doesn’t take what I went through for anyone out there to get themselves sober & although it may seem difficult at first… IT WILL HAPPEN!!! 🫵😁👍. Best wishes to all… From Australia 🇦🇺✌️😎🇦🇺”
—
“Try your very best to not be hard on yourself, and when you find that you are being hard on yourself, don’t be hard on yourself etc. Give yourself grace. Progress is often not linear. You’re a human, not a robot. Just try and keep returning to the choice we make every day, to not drink. Most importantly, know you are loved.”
—
,What advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or is newly sober?
Please share in the comments!
And if you’d like to contribute to the My Sobriety Story series, email me for details at hello@danaleighlyons.com.
Also, please take a moment to tap the little heart before you go. It lets others know there’s something useful here and helps us grow this community.
Heart-sourced gratitude to you all for your beautiful shares - thank you! ❤️
So cool that you assembled these contributions. In this we live our 12th step:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.