Insights From Long-Term Sobriety

After 48 years sober, I’ve come to some tough realizations.

The first drink I ever had resulted in the worst hangover of my life. I was so sick I couldn’t keep water down for more than a week. A normal person would have said: “If this is what drinking is like, I don’t want any part of it!”

But I’m not a normal person.

My only thought at the time was: “I’m going to find a way to beat this!” I spent twelve awful years trying and never did. Alcohol had me beat from the very start and I didn’t realize that until I got sober.

Now, after 48 years sober, I’ve come to some tough realizations.

First, there’s a lot of good news. Life generally keeps getting better the longer you stay sober. A LOT better. That’s how it’s been for me and for most sober “alkies” I know. But there’s a tradeoff—I’ll get to that in a moment.

Sober living gives you a different outlook on life than you had before. You get to have fun. REAL fun, without the hangovers or guilt and shame.  

You get to taste the best that life has to offer. And honestly, food itself tastes so good you wouldn’t believe—or maybe that’s partly because I also quit smoking more than 20 years ago. 

And yet, there’s quite a long list of things that are like icebergs waiting to capsize your little sobriety-ship. That’s what I want to talk about now. 

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But first, why I left AA.

After ten years sober, I came to a sad and pivotal decision. I chose to leave AA. For me, the pain of thinking of myself as a hopelessly flawed human without possibility of redemption was almost more than I could bear. I needed to do something about that or face the very real threat of relapse.

AA has us seeing (and facing) the worst of ourselves—which by and large needs to happen, to break through the stubborn denial many of us have. It takes a lot to penetrate that thick wall.

The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions set you on a path of recovery, and that path will get and keep you sober if you sincerely walk it. It did for me and I will be eternally grateful for that. But even the Big Book says that if you need help beyond what AA offers, you should seek it.

Around the ten-year mark, I needed something that I was not getting in AA. I was in a dark place and couldn’t see a way out. I was depressed, but it was more than that. I needed therapy (which I sought and got), but I also needed a solid spiritual path that would help me become someone whom I didn’t despise. I needed more hope than I found in the meetings and in the Big Book.

AA does not guarantee mental health. It gets you sober long enough for you to get your life together. The rest is up to you. So, I took action. (My choice isn’t for everyone, but it worked for me.)

After a careful search, I found several excellent therapists who helped me put my life back together, making whole what was broken. It took a while, but I got there one day at a time (a practice that not only saved my life, but still works so long as I stay sober). I found the life I was longing for: I could look in the mirror and see someone I liked and even grew to love, appreciate, and admire. 

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Did I have to leave AA to find what I was looking for?

I cannot answer that question for anyone but myself. I can only share my experience, strength, and hope—and I will never knock AA in the process. If you hit the same barriers I did, please reach out to get the kind of help that’s going to get you across the bridge. If that’s inside AA, great. If you need resources outside AA, that’s something even the Big Book encourages.  

Do whatever you need to do to heal yourself and become the person you long to be. That person is in there and deserves your love and attention. Let your Higher Power lead you wherever you need to be—so long as it keeps you away from substances and relapse.

In therapy, I discovered what led me to that first drink long ago. That’s a story for another time, but what I will say is that it’s now healed. I am so grateful for that. I’m also grateful for leaving behind the things that were destroying me day by day, and for the gift of clarity that led me to my first meeting.

Image by Glen Jackson, Unsplash

Other things I’ve learned from long-term sobriety

Again, my choices may or may not be what works for you. But after 48 years sober, I do have some insights to share about long-term sobriety.

• Relapses after long-term sobriety are more deadly than those after first getting sober. When I was still going to meetings, I had the sad experience of watching several people with more than 20 years of sobriety go out and drink again. Most never made it back; more than a few died drunk and in agony. Thank all that’s holy, I have never had to find out what happens if I relapse. I pray I never do.

• Denial never goes away, it just gets sneakier. When we’re hangry or upset, we’re more vulnerable to thoughts that could lead to relapse. Stinking thinking can take you by surprise. It’s patient and deadly, and it doesn’t leave when you get sober. It can still take you down at any point if you let it. Remain vigilant, work your program, and stay on the path no matter what. 

• Nothing buffers you from the really hard stuff. Pets, spouses, parents, and friends die. Illness hits you or a loved one. Someone betrays you. You have no substances to take the edge off. You have to face it cold. You can and do, but wow—it’s hard. 

• If you need help, ask for it. Don’t try to get through the hard stuff alone. Trust in trustworthy people. They are there, and they will stand with you when you need them.

• The longer you stay sober, the easier it is to become complacent. When drinking isn’t a part of your life any longer, it’s almost like before you started. And that’s dangerous. You might find yourself wondering what a new drink tastes like, whether you really had a problem, etc. No drink is worth a temporary adventure that will take you down to the bottom faster than you can imagine. No use pretending that “this time it will be different.” We know better by now. Call your sponsor or go to a meeting if you can’t shake those thoughts by yourself. 

• A life in full is still led one day at a time. It’s our choice what we do with those 24 hours. In sobriety, we get to live the thrill of reality, full out, with all its edges and ecstasy, its pain and its glory. Life has both. Unless we accept this, we’ll struggle. 

In my own journey in long-term recovery: AA showed me a pathway out of misery. A higher power showed me the way to a beautiful life. Friends and fellowship showed me that I’m not alone. Healers and helpers showed up when I needed something more. 

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Your turn!

We’d love for you to share in the comments:

• If you’re in long-term recovery, what insights can you share with folks who are newer on the path?

• Has “what’s worked for you” in sobriety shifted over time?

And if you found this article helpful, please tap the little heart. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.

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Nancy Boyd is a Leadership Development Coach, the 2009 International Coach of the Year, and an award-winning writer, healer, and change-maker serving people who are creating the kind of world no one needs to recover from. Her company, Bright Wings Inc., leads people to the highest and best of themselves through the Soul Path Academy and other programs focused on self mastery and transformation. You can find more of Nancy’s writing at: Soul Mastery Dispatch: Nurturing The Spirit of Change. 

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