This is such a powerful story. The absolute greatest gift that sobriety has given me is forethought. I no longer have to rely on hindsight. I actually think about my actions before I take them. This story really hit home for me. Thank you and good luck to you.
Oh this, Melanie, "The absolute greatest gift that sobriety has given me is forethought. I no longer have to rely on hindsight." That is so well put, so gorgeous and so spot on. I'm so glad this resonated. And thank you for the kind words! To you too! ❤️
Thank you, Adam. I love that you were surprised by the ending. I know we don't always find the equilibrium, it took me a long time to get to this point, but it's such a sweet sacred space to be in. 🙏
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living, side by side, can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against a wide sky.”
On Love and Other Difficulties, Rainer Maria Rilke
"If they succeed in loving the distance between them." !!! Yes, I don't know this Rilke quote, so thank you thank you for sharing it here. It's wonderful and apt. ❤️
This was So Beautiful Jocelyn. Intimate & generous & artfully told, I was deeply moved.
It spoke to me on so many levels-
as a woman who struggles to feel seen & known (admittedly even to my own self); as one working to not hide or numb in her obsessions or fantasies; as one who is working to teach herself it’s more than ok to ask for what she needs while navigating a marriage of disparate passions.
As much as all of this-as one loves the craft itself- what a gift this storytelling was to unwrap! Loved every bit of it!!! Congratulations again!!! 🥰
Colleen, thank you so much for the kind words and for sharing how it moved you and spoke to you. I love how you said, "admittedly even to my own self" so beautiful and tender. Oh the work of not numbing or hiding and asking for what we need with partners who are their own humans with their own needs. I see you too. ❤️ And thank you for the shout out on the craft! xoxox
Jocelyn - this was exquisite. And exactly what I needed to read today.
Sometimes in sobriety we think we know how to ask for what we need. Sometimes we forget. This was a great reminder.
Thank you for your raw honesty and this brave peeling back of yourself. It deeply moved me. And helped me realize I am walking through a lonely marriage, too. 🫶
Oh Allison, I wrote this whole long reply and then lost it. Sigh. The realization we're walking through a lonely marriage is so tough. I didn't have any idea that's what was happening in my first marriage and drinking and unresolved trauma wasn't helping anything.
Being lonely with someone is such a tender, raw, place. I wrote this in hopes that sharing something so honest and not so pretty, would help someone else who is experiencing something similar. It's moving to me that it was you.
It's so easy to think in being sober that it's just the alcohol we need to watch out for, but there are so many other ways, besides not drinking, that we need to tend to our hearts and keep ourselves safe and warm.
Thank you, Jocelyn. I appreciate this note. Yes, I am coming to understand how many landmines there appear to be as I walk the sober path. Thankfully, there are many travelers on the path with me. xoxo
Excellent writing here Jocelyn, I was right there with you feeling his gaze follow your leg and your heart pump just a little faster at the thought of him being at the pool. I appreciate your courage in sharing this story and the reminder that help is there when we need it.
Thank you Donna for saying that! It's fun to know where the story resonated for different people. And this is not something I usually write about, well, it doesn't happen except once in a blue moon TO write about, but anyway, it was challenging to share, so thank you for the kind words. xoxoxo
What a powerful story, Jocelyn! I'm trying to learn to be brave enough to have hard, vulnerable conversations too, and your example here is just so beautiful. Sometimes we never know what might change (for the better hopefully) between us and those we love, if only we open ourselves up to the possibilities. What a brave thing you did here, both in the actions you describe and in sharing your story.
Thank you, friend. It took me weeks to even understand what was happening, much less have any idea how to say something to my husband. I have to give him so much credit too, for being a safe person, for being able to hold difficult truths, for being willing to listen and love us both even though we're human.
Because, yes, you said it, when we open ourselves up to the possibilities, magical things can happen. I think we also think that magical things are always positive, but I think the whole idea is to open ourselves up to ourselves and share that with others, and when it isn't received well, that is also a gift. But that's a whole different conversation.
And thank you for the support! It felt vulnerable and then, once I saw it posted, I felt very naked. But it's been good to see how much it resonated with others. :) xoxoxo
Oh, absolutely, the ability to open oneself to new possibilities, to share of oneself, that is a gift regardless of how others respond. You're full of these gifts lately and I so appreciate you sharing them! 💜
Okay, wow. I read this yesterday and wasn't able to comment yet, but it's been rattling around in my heart and I just reread it. This is my favorite yet, and that's saying something. I don't even know what to quote, it is all THAT good. The title line, of COURSE (brilliant), and also this: "The darkness of self-destruction loves for us to play alone, or with strangers who don’t know our story." And this one hit me in the gut: "We talked more and cried a little and went to sleep tired, our hearts worn out from the truth." I know this well, the feeling of being wrung out after the truth-telling. But the sleep afterwards is such sweet surrender, knowing that it is all out there, come what may. I just empathized with every little bit. And at the end, I wanted to hug you and tell you how proud I am of you. Thank you so much for this essay, friend. Truly amazing work. xoxo
Oh Kendall. It's your favorite yet. 🙏 And just wow. "I don't even know what to quote, it is all THAT good." You're talking about ME? ;) I'm just grinning so big over here. Oooooh thanks for loving the title. I often find them hard, but this one jumped right out at me. I"m so glad to hear it landed for you too! And that darkness of self destruction line, I loved it too! I worked on that a little, but that was one of those that was just in the flow and came out nearly ready. The line about us talking. That one was hard to write. I had to work at the hot/cold, tell it slant, so that it wasn't overly dramatic even though it was really quietly and heartwrenchingly dramatic for me and my husband. Yes, that wrung out feeling is so deep after hard talks. And this, "But the sleep afterwards is such sweet surrender, knowing that it is all out there, come what may." I can feel the hug and your kind words are just pouring over me like warm water. Thank you thank you, friend. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. And it's such a gift that you read my work. ❤️❤️❤️
I not only love your writing and its relatable honesty, but your transparency about your process. I just stumbled on this today and I am so glad! Thank you.
Nikki, thank you for this, "I not only love your writing and its relatable honesty, but your transparency about your process"!! I'm so glad you stumbled upon my writing and you love it. That's just the best thing. Truly. ❤️
Of course I’m talking about YOU, you writing goddess you. ❤ You are really one of my very favorite writers, and it’s not just the prose and sentence structure and arc and flow and all of that good stuff, it’s your ability to tell the truth about yourself in a way that holds space for both accountability and grace. It’s a great sigh of relief to be trusted with that, as a reader, and to then be invited to bring our whole, messy selves to the proverbial table as well. That is where the magic sits. ✨
Oh my. I’m a bit speechless. I’m going to print that out and put it on my wall. I just, wow. I’m still looking around like, she’s taking about me? One of MY favorite writers? Thank you lovely friend and sister writing goddess.
Jocelyn I was captivated from start to finish as I always am with your writing. So brave, so beautifully written , and oh how glad I am for that ending. When we reveal our deepest rawest truths & vulnerabilities we hold up a mirror not only to ourselves but to others who may see a reflection of themselves—and an opening to a truth they might not have wanted to face. You have done that here: faced your beautiful flawed self with eyes wide open & dared to show that flawed self to your husband and told him what you needed. Bravo!
Amy, thank you for saying that. I applied all that I've learned in WITD and hot/cold as much as I knew how, to write this piece. Thank you for that reminder. It's why I write, why I think most of us write, and yet, when it gets real, and awkward and not pretty, it's harder to imagine other people have been there or somewhere that feels the same to them and it mostly feels scary. Not so much to write it, but then after it sat for a month and then got published today, I was like, "Geez, did I really share all that?" ;) . I deeply appreciate your reading this and your caring response. I feel seen.❤️
You describe the moments of negotiation with yourself so delicately.
The warm, openness of a stranger that seduces without the overt seduction. Accepting the invitation to a possible intimacy that will assuage fear, loss, grief, guilt.. momentarily.
And how we, against knowing better, devise ways to roll down the soft slope of surrendering.. giving in, writing a note to rekindle a feeling we've felt many times.
But then, with grace, we remember also the softness evaporates and we land onto broken glass, sharp rock, jagged metal.
At some point the cost of surrender is annihilation.
Sean, I remember replying to this. Maybe it was just in my head. :) Thank you so much for this. Such beautiful writing to describe the situation here. This, "And how we, against knowing better, devise ways to roll down the soft slope of surrendering.. giving in, writing a note to rekindle a feeling we've felt many times." Your whole comment is like a poem, prayer, mantra. 🙏
“The darkness of self-destruction loves for us to play alone, or with strangers who don’t know our story.” Such a needed truth for me right now; thank you 🙏🏻
Hi Kayleigh, I'm so glad that resonated. It's really the core of the essay for me. It's so easy to be self destructive when we're secretive or spending time with people who don't know us well. That's part of the seduction of it, right? But when we move towards those who love us and even talk about our thoughts, it brings us back to our true selves. Not the trauma-informed self. Sending love. ❤️
Fantastic story, there’s so much here to learn from. The strength to share honestly with someone you love and have them listen is another gift from sobriety!!
What a way to end with a powerful, hopeful, and moving forward punchline:
"And in that moment, I remembered the distance between what we need and what we ask for can be as narrow as the distance between one breath and the next."
Such a captivating, beautiful, powerful story, Jocelyn. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you for the kind words and for the invitation to share! ❤️
This is such a powerful story. The absolute greatest gift that sobriety has given me is forethought. I no longer have to rely on hindsight. I actually think about my actions before I take them. This story really hit home for me. Thank you and good luck to you.
Oh this, Melanie, "The absolute greatest gift that sobriety has given me is forethought. I no longer have to rely on hindsight." That is so well put, so gorgeous and so spot on. I'm so glad this resonated. And thank you for the kind words! To you too! ❤️
Forethought! Yes!!
My word, that’s a powerful story.
I was poised all along, thinking the worst might happen. But then…what a beautiful new equilibrium. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Adam. I love that you were surprised by the ending. I know we don't always find the equilibrium, it took me a long time to get to this point, but it's such a sweet sacred space to be in. 🙏
This article epitomized this quote for me
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living, side by side, can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against a wide sky.”
On Love and Other Difficulties, Rainer Maria Rilke
"If they succeed in loving the distance between them." !!! Yes, I don't know this Rilke quote, so thank you thank you for sharing it here. It's wonderful and apt. ❤️
New to Substack and your essays are exactly what I hoped to find. Fellow Austinite and lover of Barton Springs.
This was So Beautiful Jocelyn. Intimate & generous & artfully told, I was deeply moved.
It spoke to me on so many levels-
as a woman who struggles to feel seen & known (admittedly even to my own self); as one working to not hide or numb in her obsessions or fantasies; as one who is working to teach herself it’s more than ok to ask for what she needs while navigating a marriage of disparate passions.
As much as all of this-as one loves the craft itself- what a gift this storytelling was to unwrap! Loved every bit of it!!! Congratulations again!!! 🥰
Colleen, thank you so much for the kind words and for sharing how it moved you and spoke to you. I love how you said, "admittedly even to my own self" so beautiful and tender. Oh the work of not numbing or hiding and asking for what we need with partners who are their own humans with their own needs. I see you too. ❤️ And thank you for the shout out on the craft! xoxox
🥰🥰🥰
Jocelyn - this was exquisite. And exactly what I needed to read today.
Sometimes in sobriety we think we know how to ask for what we need. Sometimes we forget. This was a great reminder.
Thank you for your raw honesty and this brave peeling back of yourself. It deeply moved me. And helped me realize I am walking through a lonely marriage, too. 🫶
Oh Allison, I wrote this whole long reply and then lost it. Sigh. The realization we're walking through a lonely marriage is so tough. I didn't have any idea that's what was happening in my first marriage and drinking and unresolved trauma wasn't helping anything.
Being lonely with someone is such a tender, raw, place. I wrote this in hopes that sharing something so honest and not so pretty, would help someone else who is experiencing something similar. It's moving to me that it was you.
It's so easy to think in being sober that it's just the alcohol we need to watch out for, but there are so many other ways, besides not drinking, that we need to tend to our hearts and keep ourselves safe and warm.
I'm here if you want to DM me to talk more.
Thank you, Jocelyn. I appreciate this note. Yes, I am coming to understand how many landmines there appear to be as I walk the sober path. Thankfully, there are many travelers on the path with me. xoxo
So. Many. And yes! Also even more travelers on the path with you! xo
Excellent writing here Jocelyn, I was right there with you feeling his gaze follow your leg and your heart pump just a little faster at the thought of him being at the pool. I appreciate your courage in sharing this story and the reminder that help is there when we need it.
Thank you Donna for saying that! It's fun to know where the story resonated for different people. And this is not something I usually write about, well, it doesn't happen except once in a blue moon TO write about, but anyway, it was challenging to share, so thank you for the kind words. xoxoxo
What a powerful story, Jocelyn! I'm trying to learn to be brave enough to have hard, vulnerable conversations too, and your example here is just so beautiful. Sometimes we never know what might change (for the better hopefully) between us and those we love, if only we open ourselves up to the possibilities. What a brave thing you did here, both in the actions you describe and in sharing your story.
Thank you, friend. It took me weeks to even understand what was happening, much less have any idea how to say something to my husband. I have to give him so much credit too, for being a safe person, for being able to hold difficult truths, for being willing to listen and love us both even though we're human.
Because, yes, you said it, when we open ourselves up to the possibilities, magical things can happen. I think we also think that magical things are always positive, but I think the whole idea is to open ourselves up to ourselves and share that with others, and when it isn't received well, that is also a gift. But that's a whole different conversation.
And thank you for the support! It felt vulnerable and then, once I saw it posted, I felt very naked. But it's been good to see how much it resonated with others. :) xoxoxo
Oh, absolutely, the ability to open oneself to new possibilities, to share of oneself, that is a gift regardless of how others respond. You're full of these gifts lately and I so appreciate you sharing them! 💜
Thank you for the appreciation and the kind words! You're one of the people who's helped me feel safe sharing things. ❤️
Oh, I’m so glad! ❤️
Okay, wow. I read this yesterday and wasn't able to comment yet, but it's been rattling around in my heart and I just reread it. This is my favorite yet, and that's saying something. I don't even know what to quote, it is all THAT good. The title line, of COURSE (brilliant), and also this: "The darkness of self-destruction loves for us to play alone, or with strangers who don’t know our story." And this one hit me in the gut: "We talked more and cried a little and went to sleep tired, our hearts worn out from the truth." I know this well, the feeling of being wrung out after the truth-telling. But the sleep afterwards is such sweet surrender, knowing that it is all out there, come what may. I just empathized with every little bit. And at the end, I wanted to hug you and tell you how proud I am of you. Thank you so much for this essay, friend. Truly amazing work. xoxo
Oh Kendall. It's your favorite yet. 🙏 And just wow. "I don't even know what to quote, it is all THAT good." You're talking about ME? ;) I'm just grinning so big over here. Oooooh thanks for loving the title. I often find them hard, but this one jumped right out at me. I"m so glad to hear it landed for you too! And that darkness of self destruction line, I loved it too! I worked on that a little, but that was one of those that was just in the flow and came out nearly ready. The line about us talking. That one was hard to write. I had to work at the hot/cold, tell it slant, so that it wasn't overly dramatic even though it was really quietly and heartwrenchingly dramatic for me and my husband. Yes, that wrung out feeling is so deep after hard talks. And this, "But the sleep afterwards is such sweet surrender, knowing that it is all out there, come what may." I can feel the hug and your kind words are just pouring over me like warm water. Thank you thank you, friend. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. And it's such a gift that you read my work. ❤️❤️❤️
I not only love your writing and its relatable honesty, but your transparency about your process. I just stumbled on this today and I am so glad! Thank you.
Nikki, thank you for this, "I not only love your writing and its relatable honesty, but your transparency about your process"!! I'm so glad you stumbled upon my writing and you love it. That's just the best thing. Truly. ❤️
Of course I’m talking about YOU, you writing goddess you. ❤ You are really one of my very favorite writers, and it’s not just the prose and sentence structure and arc and flow and all of that good stuff, it’s your ability to tell the truth about yourself in a way that holds space for both accountability and grace. It’s a great sigh of relief to be trusted with that, as a reader, and to then be invited to bring our whole, messy selves to the proverbial table as well. That is where the magic sits. ✨
Oh my. I’m a bit speechless. I’m going to print that out and put it on my wall. I just, wow. I’m still looking around like, she’s taking about me? One of MY favorite writers? Thank you lovely friend and sister writing goddess.
Now in speechless. I love our love 😆❤️
I love our love too!!! 💞🌟🎈
Jocelyn I was captivated from start to finish as I always am with your writing. So brave, so beautifully written , and oh how glad I am for that ending. When we reveal our deepest rawest truths & vulnerabilities we hold up a mirror not only to ourselves but to others who may see a reflection of themselves—and an opening to a truth they might not have wanted to face. You have done that here: faced your beautiful flawed self with eyes wide open & dared to show that flawed self to your husband and told him what you needed. Bravo!
Amy, thank you for saying that. I applied all that I've learned in WITD and hot/cold as much as I knew how, to write this piece. Thank you for that reminder. It's why I write, why I think most of us write, and yet, when it gets real, and awkward and not pretty, it's harder to imagine other people have been there or somewhere that feels the same to them and it mostly feels scary. Not so much to write it, but then after it sat for a month and then got published today, I was like, "Geez, did I really share all that?" ;) . I deeply appreciate your reading this and your caring response. I feel seen.❤️
You describe the moments of negotiation with yourself so delicately.
The warm, openness of a stranger that seduces without the overt seduction. Accepting the invitation to a possible intimacy that will assuage fear, loss, grief, guilt.. momentarily.
And how we, against knowing better, devise ways to roll down the soft slope of surrendering.. giving in, writing a note to rekindle a feeling we've felt many times.
But then, with grace, we remember also the softness evaporates and we land onto broken glass, sharp rock, jagged metal.
At some point the cost of surrender is annihilation.
Surrender is not an option.
Sean, I remember replying to this. Maybe it was just in my head. :) Thank you so much for this. Such beautiful writing to describe the situation here. This, "And how we, against knowing better, devise ways to roll down the soft slope of surrendering.. giving in, writing a note to rekindle a feeling we've felt many times." Your whole comment is like a poem, prayer, mantra. 🙏
Thanks to you for inspiring me.
That is such a beautiful compliment. Thank you for sharing yourself here and with me.
Beautifully shared.
Thank you, Jeremy.
“The darkness of self-destruction loves for us to play alone, or with strangers who don’t know our story.” Such a needed truth for me right now; thank you 🙏🏻
Hi Kayleigh, I'm so glad that resonated. It's really the core of the essay for me. It's so easy to be self destructive when we're secretive or spending time with people who don't know us well. That's part of the seduction of it, right? But when we move towards those who love us and even talk about our thoughts, it brings us back to our true selves. Not the trauma-informed self. Sending love. ❤️
Fantastic story, there’s so much here to learn from. The strength to share honestly with someone you love and have them listen is another gift from sobriety!!
Thank you so much and Yes! I love how you call that a gift, it absolutely is. Sorry for the late reply, I didn't get notified of your comment!
Thanks Jocelyn for sharing this.
What a way to end with a powerful, hopeful, and moving forward punchline:
"And in that moment, I remembered the distance between what we need and what we ask for can be as narrow as the distance between one breath and the next."
Cheers,
Waqar
Thank you for saying that. It's always lovely when a story resonates and then when a single line really brings it home.
Well said, the grass isn’t greener