My Sobriety Story with Kristen Blanton Crocker

“There is nothing in the whole world like looking at myself in the mirror, clear-eyed, and trusting that I will do the right thing.”

This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition features

Kristen Blanton Crocker

, a mother, stepmother, and advocate for normalizing the discussion of alcoholism among strong, smart women. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Idaho in 2013, and now makes a living selling tree work. Kristen writes about sobriety and parenting in her newsletter,

Recoverettes

, and also hosts the private Facebook group Recoverettes Community.

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When and how did you get sober?

The first time I walked into a Twelve Step meeting and thought to myself that maybe I didn’t drink like normal people was 2010.

My (final) sobriety date is December 19, 2022.

In the twelve years between walking into that first meeting and the last time I took a drink, I earned an MFA, had progressively advancing jobs, bought a house, got married, had kids, moved across the country, and separated from my first husband.

But I also had horrendous hangovers almost daily. I woke up terrified of what I had done the night before; looking at my phone was a nightmare. I felt shame and humiliation. I said things I didn’t mean—sometimes too nice, sometimes too mean.

I tried Dry January and Sober October. I begged, bargained, and pleaded. I tried so hard to “reset” so I could drink like a normal person. I set times of day to wait until drinking, set weekly drink limits that I always exceeded, and made ridiculous rules, like having to exercise to earn a drink. And then I drank too much.

Just after I had my third son, I attempted the keto diet. It was going great until I learned vodka is somehow keto. Then I’d drink the better part of a fifth, eat a loaf of bread, and wake up the next morning thinking, No, no, no. Not again.

I tried and wrestled and bargained with this thing. 

I researched harm reduction and moderation management and I wrote in every journal: Goals: Read more, write more. Drink less, smoke less. 

I got sober by trying everything, but, frankly, what ended up working for me was the most classic, clichéd sobriety tool—the oldest trick in the book: a Twelve Step program.

In part, it was about accepting that building a community (a fellowship, to put a finer point on it) and following the steps of a program that had worked for millions of people could work for me too.

There’s a phrase in the rooms: “I’m just a garden-variety alcoholic, I am not unique.” Learning and accepting that I was just like these other people, and that perhaps I should get with the program and give a better life a try, was, I reluctantly admit, what finally fucking worked.

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What surprised you about getting sober?

I thought getting sober would feel like a punishment. Instead, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to live a meaningful, intentional life—like my world cracked wide open.

I have to be very careful to take care of myself, and it takes me a long time to recover if I’ve overextended. I need to find other physical outlets, like a scalding bath, an acupressure mat, meditation, or, in the darkest times, when candy, bread, and ice cream weren’t enough, cigarettes.

But dealing with my feelings has been a challenge. I’ve had to re-teach myself to identify what I’m feeling. Thankfully, I’m raising a bunch of kids and stepkids, so while I teach them the Berenstain Bears and Mister Rogers approach to feelings, I can learn too.

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What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?

My relapses were heartbreaking setbacks on my recovery journey. I committed to a “sober year” on my 32nd birthday (7/21/2020), but I wasn’t able to get and stay sober permanently until December 19, 2022. The ups and downs, the wanting, wishing, hoping, and foxhole prayers of wanting to be sober.

I began attending sobriety meetings through The Luckiest Club in December 2021 and Twelve Step meetings in February 2022. I relapsed for three days in July, three days in November, and one day on December 18 (the last day I drank), even while actively attending Twelve Step meetings.

The last time I relapsed, I had been through all Twelve Steps with a sponsor. My God, I thought, maybe I am just not capable. Maybe this isn’t going to work for me. This go-round, I’m going to die of alcoholism. Bummer city.

After that third relapse, the woman I had been working with as my sponsor for about a year dropped me. “I can’t do this,” she said. 

God, I thought. Even this woman has given up on me. I realize now that she was trying to protect herself. She felt she was not best serving me.

I reached out to a woman I knew had relapse in her story. 

“You deserve a life that is happy, joyous, and free,” she told me. She also said, “You don’t get endless chances at this. Some people don’t make it back.” 

I was 34 years old. I loved my children. God, I loved my children. I wanted to be there for them. I didn’t want to die. 

Once I felt it in my bones, once I completely understood that taking a drink would lead to devastating consequences—consequences I honestly could not predict—and that the Kristen who took a drink might put her children at risk, not drinking became easy.

I have been through a lot in sobriety—my ex-husband has become homeless, family drama, finalizing my divorce, marriage, the birth of a child, custody battles, and more.

At the end of the day, my sobriety comes first, and when I am sober, all is well.

It’s that simple: if I have stayed sober today, all. is. fucking. well.

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What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?

There are so many benefits: trusting myself, being present for my children, learning who I really am, and learning to love myself. Removing the film I had been living behind forever and embracing an authentic life. Living an honest life—no looking over my shoulder, no feeling like I’ll be “found out” at any moment. Feeling good, truly good.

But the greatest gift of sobriety is my marriage to my husband and, with that, our blended family and our baby girl. I met my husband when I was about four months sober, and I never take for granted that he, our daughter, and my stepkids never have to know a drinking Kristen.

I truly believe that once I was sober, everything fell into place. Once I was sober, the universe sent me the man I deserve and gave me what I was now able to appreciate and fully, wholly love and be loved.

They show up for me, and I show up for them. I can trust myself, and there is nothing in the whole world like looking at myself in the mirror, clear-eyed, and trusting that I will do the right thing.

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What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?

Sobriety is simultaneously the hardest, most demanding, and most rewarding experience of my life.

When I first came to the rooms, they said, “You’ll find a life beyond your wildest dreams.” I rolled my eyes and thought, Jesus Christ, these fucking people. But as it turns out, I do have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I know I can walk through anything sober because I have the tools in my toolbox to maintain and monitor my emotional condition and take action if I feel like I’m moving toward a drink.

As a good friend says, there’s no one stronger than a sober woman.

Want to share your sobriety story?

Thank you for sharing,

Kristen Blanton Crocker

! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.

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