My Sobriety Story with Marianna
“Sobriety gave me the power to listen deeply, to myself and others.”
This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition features
, a Brazilian storyteller and group facilitator living in the United Kingdom. Marianna weaves myth, memory, and ancestral healing into her work with women across cultures. She writes the newsletter and hosts the podcast Goddess, Witch, Woman.When and how did you get sober?
In 2009, when I was 22, my abusive boyfriend left me. He was my biggest drinking partner, though I didn’t realize it then. I believed that love looked like chaos and control. I was devastated, alone, and most of my friends had distanced themselves from my self-destructive ways.
A friend handed me Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. At first, I was so offended I threw it across the room. But after a particularly painful night, I read it in one sitting… sobbing, highlighting every page.
The author compares “loving too much”—codependency—with being an alcoholic. I still didn’t see myself as an alcohol abuser, but I could understand my need for abusive relationships, as she said it, rooted in traumatic experiences.
The same friend pointed me to a sistership called Women Who Love Too Much Anonymous. This 12-step program, as far as I know, only exists in Brazil (my home country) and was founded by an Al-Anon member who had read that same book.
I went to a meeting. I was warmly welcomed by women of all ages, races, and social classes. I stayed. I put my faith in something for the first time. I was not alone anymore.
But I kept drinking. So I kept making bad—really bad—decisions. Finally, my sponsor told me, “You need to go to AA.” I was very offended. After all, I was only 22—what harm was my partying doing? I was functional! I worked! (Barely.) I exercised! (To sweat out the alcohol.) I didn’t drink in the morning! (I just waited for the evening.)
I went to an AA meeting at her insistence. At that first meeting, there were only much older men. I could not see myself in them. I did not come back.
I kept drinking for the next two and a half years, all the while being very active in my sistership and trying to work the program wholeheartedly. But I drank, and therefore there were no steps and no program that could really help me at a deeper level.
A few days before my 25th birthday, I had my last blackout. When I woke up, I knew I needed something different. I dragged myself to AA that Sunday morning, to a meeting I knew was full of women and younger people. I was deeply welcomed. Heard. I stayed. I listened and learned.
What was the turning point in your decision to get sober?
The turning point came quietly: I woke up from my last blackout, sick and done, and I finally surrendered. It wasn’t dramatic, but it was final. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I knew the steps, and I knew better. I didn’t want my life to keep spiraling. I knew I needed help. That Sunday morning, I walked into that AA meeting, and it felt like a lifeline. It really was. I have been sober since, one day at a time.
What surprised you about getting sober?
That I am actually pretty fun, and I can still be the life of the party without a single drop of alcohol.
Also, I am open about being sober (safely, with care and boundaries), and I’ve found that most people either don’t care or are genuinely curious.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?
I have faced a lot since I stopped drinking. There were a few occasions I thought I was going to relapse:
Early in my sobriety, I had two miscarriages, the first putting me into a deep depression.
In 2017, I immigrated from Brazil to Germany, and it was one of the hardest challenges I faced, suffering relentless xenophobia over there. I was also pregnant when I arrived and the most scared I have ever felt, feeling deeply alone and so sick that I could not move, could not go to meetings, and like I was going to physically and spiritually die.
The following year, I lost three of my grandparents, the people who saved my life by taking care of me when my parents could not. Their deaths hit me hard, especially my maternal grandmother, all while I was away in a different country.
Those were the hardest and darkest times, when I felt like just crawling into a ball and drinking myself to death. I planned my relapse several times, and I know that happened because those were times when I could not go to meetings regularly.
Less dramatic, but also challenging, has been realizing the problem actually is not the alcohol, but my own mind. That seems obvious at first. But to find out, after being sober for a while, that my mind will wander and find addiction in ANYTHING that feels good and numbs me… that surprised me.
That means food, doomscrolling, games on my phone, online shopping, or Netflixing for hours. If I’m not working on my conscious self, I will easily slip into any addictive behavior.
Going to meetings makes that easier, because even though I still talk about my alcoholism, I can also hear veterans struggling with issues similar to mine, feeling sometimes as if the drunk has not left the system yet—only the alcohol. And being able to not just manage that, but to laugh about it, understand it, and feel part of something bigger helps.
What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?
In these 14 years of being sober, I have gained so much. I have real friends, especially those who speak the 12 steps and/or the spiritual language of sobriety. My sponsor has become my chosen godmother, someone who transcends the program and is a true advisor. We love each other deeply, and it is such a blessing to have her in my life.
I have found that I know how to lead while being of service to others. The fellowships taught me this is a calling of my own soul, and my whole work now centers around groups of women whom I lead and guide in their own journeys of self-discovery.
Sobriety gave me the power to listen deeply, to myself and others. This is a gift so precious, I am thankful every day for having found my life’s purpose through this dark night of the soul.
I found the love of my life very shortly after becoming sober. We’ve been together since date one and have had so many adventures… We’ve immigrated twice (Germany and now England), and we have a seven-year-old daughter.
Motherhood while being sober… oof. That’s a whole story in itself. I couldn’t be more proud of myself, because of course it has been hard many times to stay sober for my own sake, but the love and passion I feel for my little girl is enough for me to stay on the course I set for myself. I do it for me, yes. But I also do it for her and for my beautiful husband. They are gifts of sobriety that I never want to lose.
And most of all, sobriety has given me a spiritual life. I had no idea what God or a higher power looked like for me. I had no faith in myself, other people, or anything, really. I was always in despair. Slowly, over the years, I discovered what a spiritual life looks like to me. It’s a personal and conscious relationship to my form of prayer, meditation, and devotion. And it is absolutely beautiful and rewarding. No guilt, no shame, pure love.
What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?
I could not do it without other people who are on the same path.
Now that I’m a few years into this journey, I can go to any meeting and find comfort and relate. But that wasn’t the reality in the beginning, so I would urge you to find the best group for you, with people who will understand not only your addiction but also who you are. As a young woman, that made a world of difference in the beginning. As an immigrant, that still makes a difference, and I attend meetings both here in England and online in Brazil.
There is something really powerful about being witnessed on your journey. For me, I could not have done it without going to groups, fellowship, and having a good sponsor (and I changed sponsors a few times). I do believe we need people; we need to listen and be listened to. Cry, laugh, rage… but be seen while doing it, by people who will not judge. That has been my medicine, in three different countries and two different languages: find your people.
Also, if finance or health insurance allows, seek therapy with someone who understands addiction and supports your choices on how to manage sobriety.
Most of all, let go of your former self, the places and people who were once enabling your struggle. That comes with grief. So let grief come; let it wash over you like waves. It will pass. Unimaginable gifts await you on the other shore, even if it takes a while to swim there. Of that I am sure, and I wish you a beautiful, meaningful, and deep journey.
Want to share your sobriety story?
Thank you for sharing, Marianna! We look forward to connecting with you in the comments.
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Such a beautiful share, Marianna. Witnessing and being witnessed truly is such powerful medicine.
Thanks for sharing your story Marianna.