Some Days: A Sobriety Poem, 4 Years In
Four years and a lifetime later
SOME DAYS
Some days it will take every ounce of your courage
and other days it will feel like you never lived any other way
Some days you might miss it
and other days you can’t believe there was ever another way of being
Some days it might feel like a lifetime ago
and other days you might remember it all like it was a dream you had just last night
Some days the weight of the emotional waves will suck you into the under current of your bed pillows
and other days the warmth of the sunshine overwhelms you with its purity in such a way that only the tear in your eye knows how to process the joy
Some days it will feel like the most challenging promise you ever made to yourself
and other days it will feel like the easiest
Some days you will wonder, why aren’t you “there” yet
and other days you will be in awe of all the ways in which you’ve grown
Some days the mountain feels higher than you are wanting to climb, with a view blinded by haze
and other days the wondrous landscape stretches for miles beyond your reach
Some days you may fall to your knees in surrender
and other days you may leap with arms wide open beaming with laughter
Some days you may seek complete solitude
and other days you may require a circle of community
Some days you may feel like you’re wandering about a corn maze, lost, in this direction or that
and other days your path is completely laid out before you, one breadcrumb to follow at a time
Some days you may not want to keep going, but you do because you feel you have to
and other days you may not even think about what you’re doing because this is now… you
Some days you may sense shame trying to whisper its wryly messages again
and other days your softened heart will feel boundless with compassion
Some days you may forget why you started
and other days you may be overcome with gratitude that it ended
Some days you may wish for a grander experience
and other days, simple is all that you need
Some days you may feel overwhelmed with all that you have yet to learn or do
and other days contentment wraps its arms around your shoulders encouraging you just to be
Some days clouds may roll back in and shower your experience with grief
and other days the sky is crisp, clear and blue and your own breath poetically moves you
Some days you still may not feel worthy
and other days you will stand emboldened in your truth
Some days there may be pity and disdain spiraling around in your brain
and other days you may feel like you’ve finally become your own best friend
Some days it may not feel worth it
and other days you may declare it the best decision you’ve ever made
Some days you may feel like it’s a death sentence
and other days you may feel the walls that once lived around your heart bursting open with love
Some days you may not know how to show up
and other days you know exactly how to be you
Some days you may want to go back
and other days you can’t wait to fast forward
Today though, presence is beckoning you
because no matter the day or the moment,
there is a warrior inside of you
determined to set you free
Four Years and a Lifetime Later
Four years. No alcohol and no cocaine. What a miracle. Truly I have such gratitude for the very real truth that it took Divine intervention to get me here today, four years into this journey.
I can remember only days in, I created a recovery map (encouraged by Holly Whitaker’s recovery program) where I listed all of the things I was unhappy with in all sections of my life. From spirituality to relationships, finances to environment, and physical to career, I had lengthy lists of complete and utter dissatisfaction with my life. I can recall this sensation that came in for me, a determination—to fix my life. I was going to heal. I was going to change. I was going to repair and make everything better. I thought back then that was the answer to a happier, more peaceful life.
It is not to say I was wrong necessarily, because some things really did need to change—people, jobs, and perspectives I held onto needed to be set down and let go of. However, so much of this sobriety and healing journey is not about fixing and rather about being with. Staying. Softening. Witnessing. Listening.
I can’t say I have learned all there is to know about how to get and stay sober because it looks different for each of us. For me, I needed a harm reduction approach where I held onto cannabis for two years after stopping drinking and using cocaine. That worked for me, it doesn’t for everyone.
To be honest, four years of celebrating haven’t really felt like this big milestone I thought it would. In fact, in many ways it shone a light for me on where I thought I would be, but am not. Here is what I have to say in reflecting on all of it:
It’s okay. It is okay I am not where I thought I would be. In many ways I am somewhere better than what I imagined.
My body’s wisdom wins. It knows what I need. It tells me so much. It carries truths of my ancestors, of my inner parts, of all the wounds and healing I need. Everything I need to heal lives within me. Cheesy, but true.
I am loveable. We all are.
I am a Divine being and Divinely protected, as are you and everything.
It’s important to have a willingness and intention every day to keep going. Sometimes at 50 percent, other times at 90 percent. It doesn’t matter, keep going.
Savor all the beauty, magic, moments of connection and presence. They matter and help on the days it’s harder to find.
Grieve. It’s important.
“You cannot go wrong with too much compassion”—wise words of my previous therapist.
Emotions are meant to be felt and to move through us. Allow them to move through. Express, create, dance, stomp your feet, scream into a pillow, let them move!
Inside the wound lives the wisdom and the healing.
We can set it down. We can change. We can grow.
Ritual is important; find ways that work for you sober to honor them. We used to have them even in addiction (e.g., buying that bottle at that specific place and time).
Lean into the hurting parts and voices; they want to be heard and witnessed.
We are designed to withstand pain; we are much more resilient and powerful than we are taught to believe we are.
Create. Find ways to create that work for you and expand your definition of creativity.
Be. If you don’t know how, start with thirty seconds of just looking at something in nature.
“Make it sacred.” —Sarah Blondin. All of it—make it sacred and see how your lens of yourself and the world shifts.
Lastly, no matter where you are in your journey of healing, you are worthy right now. You are enough right now. You and your story matter. That part of you that’s over it, that wants different… they are a fucking warrior. Believe in them, and when you can’t, allow others to believe in them.
I believe in you. Xo Jamie
How about you?
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
What part of your healing journey do you feel most proud of, and how do you remind yourself of your strength on tough days?
How do you create sacred moments in your daily life, and what small shifts have made the biggest impact on your healing process?
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Such beautiful words and reflections, Jamie. I love the reminder of how resilient we are - and how sacred our time here truly is. ❤️
Your poem says it all every line speaks volumes in what it's like to conquer sobriety and all the feelings of strength, worthiness, hope, clarity, awareness, motivation.....but also the feelings of despair, frustration, feeling low, negative talk, inadequacy.....We dont always feel 100&% and have different days and mixed emotions, life challenges our sobriety in many ways which is good because it strengthens us and we need to remind ourselves just that when we have our weak/low days, this is what keeps us going in seeing all we have came though..Ty I really enjoyed your poem.