Things We Thought We’d Miss When We Quit Drinking (But Didn’t)
Open thread, share your thoughts! 💬
What’s one thing you thought you’d miss when you quit drinking... but it turns out you don’t at all? What’s one thing you knew you wouldn’t miss... and were relieved to leave behind?
I recently asked these questions on Substack Notes, and the responses were beautiful, insightful, and deeply relatable. You’ll find them below, along with links to each writer’s profile and publication in case you’re looking for more sober writing and community.
We’d love to hear from you too.
What surprised you about life without alcohol? What freedom did you discover? And if you’re an alcohol-free writer, you’re welcome to share a link to your work in the comments!
“At first I thought the thing I knew I wouldn’t miss was hangovers, but it’s more specific than that. It’s more the self-doubt/hatred/shame that came with knowing a lot of me didn’t want to drink, but I did it anyway and now I feel like shit.” —
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“I thought I would miss going out. Turns out, I’m an introvert through and through. I don’t miss the night life at all. And now, when I do go out to dinner, my drink doesn’t overshadow the meal. I taste it all and remember the whole night.
I knew I wouldn’t miss the hazy fog that follows drinking. The piecing it all together. The fragmentation of a hangover.” —
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“I thought I would lose my ability to write! And instead I’ve been more creative and prolific than ever before.
The thing (I mean there are a million things!) I knew I wouldn’t miss is feeling controlled by alcohol; feeling like I didn’t have choice and control over my actions. And the shame that came with that. Now I am truly free from alcohol - and it is just the greatest gift.” —
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“I knew I wouldn’t miss the days that were lost from recovering. So many moments thinking ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ Only to have that moment float away and the sound of a crack of an beer take me down the familiar path. Laying in bed for hours, while thinking I ‘have’ time. As if time is infinite. It’s finite though and now being sober gifts me more of that time.” —
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“I think I’m the opposite, coming to the sober table when I’m turning 65. I’m looking forward to living my life in a new way and experiencing many of the same experiences and places I have been with new fresh sober eyes. I’m not planning on missing anything.” —
“For sure wouldn’t miss the hangxiety - that was actually a catalyst to ditching booze in the first place.
I thought I’d miss the creativity that came with tasting, pairing and building experiences around wine. Which the exact opposite happened - I tapped into my creativity even more, and found a new path in the dealc wine world 🥰” —
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“I worried I wouldn’t enjoy my beloved dinners anymore—they were my respite at the end of each day, and wine had been part of the ritual. For a month after quitting, dinner felt flat and insipid—like something was missing. But now, at over five years sober, I love my meals just as much (if not more!) as before.
I knew I’d never miss the anxious, panicky 3 a.m. wake-ups, which came even after just a glass or two. Nor would I miss the endless negotiations: Only natural wine? Only with dinner? Only weekends? One glass or two? The mental gymnastics were exhausting, and the shame of obsessing over it was worse. Letting go of that cycle—the wondering, the justifications, the exceptions, the ‘moderation’—became the single most impactful thing I’ve done to boost my confidence and lessen my feelings of shame.” —
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“What I thought I’d miss: That first drink after a hellish day. Some of you know the one. Liquid exhale. Fake calm. The momentary illusion that everything’s fine. I used to think that was my reset button. Turns out, I don’t miss pretending I was okay. I’d rather sit in the mess sober than lie to myself drunk.
What I don’t miss: The hangovers that felt like a shame grenade went off in my head. The 2 a.m. spiral. The apologies I couldn’t keep up with. The shakes. The sweats. I don’t miss negotiating with my conscience like it’s a hostage situation. I wake up now and actually like the guy in the mirror. That’s worth more than any buzz.
Sobriety didn’t make my life easier. It just made me gut level honest. And honestly, that’s the only high I need. 💪” —
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“I thought I’d miss the freedom I felt when I had a drink, flirted, and usually went home with someone for (bad) sex. I thought that was a successful evening.
I found that in recovery, I waited for someone who wasn’t sitting in the corner with cool, long hair, a joint in his mouth, and ‘I will ruin your life’ written all over him. I waited five years with growing confidence. My first date, once in recovery, was/is a relationship of 28 years, 25 of them married, and two emotionally adjusted young adults who are launching marvelously. Nope, don’t miss that behavior at all.” —
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“Celebrating 1 year sober today! One thing I thought I’d miss: connecting ‘deeply’ with my loved ones over alcohol (I connect far more deeply without alcohol).
One thing I knew I wouldn’t miss: the hangovers! Every day I wake up, I remember I didn’t drink the night before and it’s such a beautiful start to a new day. It sets each day to an amazing start every single morning.” —
“I quit drinking when I was 17, I am 54 now. I went to live in Spain for a year prior, was drunk every day. It was wonderful. Was so profoundly sick on the plane home, I thought I would die. Then, my parents owned taverns at the same time, and I bartended at 17 and saw lots of old men drinking beer, smoking, waiting to die, and over time realized that I wanted somewhere something else.” —
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“I thought I would miss going out. But I don’t miss it at all—the work dinners and lunches, the double dates, the big friend gatherings, the parties, the backyard BBQs. I’m not a recluse but I have settled into a normal that does not include those things on the regular.
The one thing I knew I would not miss was the self-loathing. Actually, did I know that? Did I know how deep, how pervasive that feeling was before? Did I know how it would feel when it lifted? I am not sure. But I remember that first morning over six years ago. I remember waking up feeling clean, like the billowy freshness of early spring air through open windows. And then I remember the sweet relief of not having to hate myself.” —
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“I thought I’d miss going to breweries or vineyards. It turns out that those were just what I thought were ‘more mature’ excuses for needing to drink and I don’t miss them at all. I thought I wouldn’t miss hanganxiety (the anxiety that comes with a hangover) and I was so right!” —
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“I thought I would miss drunk dancing-because since I was a teenager I was too shy to get out on a dance floor without the false courage alcohol gave me. Turns out I love sober dancing! I dance at home, I dance at weddings, and I have planned a sober meetup at a tribute to Abba concert this summer where I plan to be a Dancing Queen. Woot!” —
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“As an introvert I thought that my ability to socialize without booze would be impacted, big time. Linked with that is the idea of having fun, only because everyone is drinking and so yes, without the booze it was kind of inconceivable to have any real fun.
I mean, thinking back, that’s one of the key things that trapped me, that big fat lie, that the poison will help me to relax, be more outgoing and voila, be better with people. My reality is that ironically, I’ve become much more happy and also, a less serious person, as a result of my change.
It is kind if weird now to see people feeling uneasy to drink in front of me, especially family, thinking they will upset my happiness. I can honestly say at such occasions, it is great just to be myself, authentically happy, and able to be an integral part of the fun.” —
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What surprised you about life without alcohol? What freedom did you discover? Please share in the comments!
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My dad is one of these writers....and I can truthfully say to all of you who have had the courage to be sober, you have given the people who love you the biggest gift. I am so proud and so happy to have my dad present and alive with us. I cannot always imagine what hard work it must have taken, some days being harder than others, but in the long run I'm sure each of you are picking the fruits in different areas of you life. Thanks is all I want to say. Thanks for choosing life. Thanks for choosing you. Thanks for letting us love you a little longer.
I love all of these vulnerable, thoughtful responses. I see myself in all of them. I thought I’d miss the confidence alcohol gave me. It turns out it was the opposite - I finally found my voice. I was a shell of a human before, hiding behind the booze, quaking with fear. I’m no longer afraid. Sober confidence is real.