What surprised you about getting sober?
To make space for the unexpected, I wanted to ask…
When I got sober over six years ago, some things changed in ways I expected.
Knowing that I was no longer arranging any part of my life around alcohol brought tremendous relief physically, mentally, and spiritually. My body and mind felt lighter, clearer, more spacious. I experienced deeper, sounder sleep than I had for perhaps my whole life. I experienced significant, life-changing reduction in depression and anxiety. I experienced a deeper, more embodied connection to Nature, Source, intuition, and spirit.
Quitting alcohol entirely—without negotiation or moderation—was by far the most impactful thing I’ve done to boost my confidence and lessen my feelings of shame. This includes confidence in my core values, as well as confidence in my resilience and capacity to stand in life—to really be here without numbing out.
And yes, yes: my skin is brighter and less puffy, my perimenopausal symptoms have subsided, and my metabolism and immune system are far more robust.
Know what though? Those more-or-less expected changes aren’t even the whole of it—just as giving up an addictive substance isn’t the whole of sobriety.
For me, quitting alcohol was an essential first step. That alone changed my trajectory.
But then came the less expected part. Because only then did I massively expand my capacity to 1) see, name, and take accountability for my patterns and how I’m the common denominator across my life—regardless of what others “did to me,” and 2) forgive others and see their humanness even when our history holds hurt.
My biggest surprises—and greatest gifts in sobriety—live there.
I also discovered that in changing ourselves—in reaching a place of knowing and doing what we need to do to save the only life we can save—a surprising thing happens: some of our nearest and dearest do change. When we change, so does every single relationship in our life.
Some of this is other people actually changing—including in ways we most welcome and least expect. Some of it is that our experience of them changes. In changing ourselves, it couldn’t be otherwise. Together, this births a new “we” into being.
Of course, everyone’s experience of sobriety is different. And one of the things I love most about this space is that we welcome and honor this difference, even as we celebrate all that we share.
With that in mind, I wanted to ask our sober community:
What surprised you about getting sober?
We ask this in the My Sobriety Story series, so I’ve pulled together some recent responses below. You can find the full stories here.
We’d love to hear from you, too. Did quitting alcohol come with surprises, whether early on or years into sobriety? Please share in the comments.
If you’d like to contribute to the My Sobriety Story series, we’d be delighted to have you. You can email me here for the questions and guidelines.
“The real surprise is that my life feels so much fuller now. When I was contemplating getting sober, I expected it to drain the color out of things—that I’d be doomed to a boring, sterile existence. This hasn’t happened. If anything, I feel more alive than I did when I was drinking.
I also feel like I’m finally walking a path that’s actually mine. I show up as more myself now—less performance, less anticipating what someone wants from me, more honesty about what I feel and who I actually am. People tend to meet that authenticity with the same energy. I’m not spending so much time managing what I reveal. I’m just there.” —Rachel Van Dolsen
“That the grayscale does not last forever. I had tried getting sober before but really struggled with the lack of depth and connection I experienced. I was certain that sobriety was dull. The people I was exposed to early in my life who were sober had a certain ache about them that I really couldn’t stomach. Thankfully, the year I got sober I had met some really wild, funny people that had some years of sobriety, and that really did change my belief about what sobriety actually is.
We really do not know what twists and turns life will take, yet I convinced myself I knew how sobriety looked and felt. I couldn’t even conceive that it would be joyful or freeing. But it is ABSOLUTELY both those things and much more.” —Hannah Winokur 🐆🐆🐆
“When I first got sober, I was amazed at the range of human emotions. I had numbed myself for so long that I truly didn’t experience much beyond fear and depression. Hook my emotions up to some sort of electrocardiogram, and I was basically flatlining. Remove the drugs and alcohol, and I began to feel again. First, I relearned what it was like to experience loneliness (despite the fellowship of recovery), confusion, and, yes, anger. Now, though, it was without resorting to drink to manage those emotions.
I began to develop those deep friendships that I denied I even needed—the friendships that happen when you show up honestly, authentically, willing to both talk and listen. I felt a renewed joy, happiness, and pride in my work, and found the beauty again in experiencing nature (backpacking trips, deep-sea fishing, skiing), art (the Whitney in NYC, the Colorado Springs Fine Arts Center, the de Young in San Francisco), theater, and literature—all without needing to drink. After a few years of sobriety, I had new inspiration and energy in pursuing my own creativity, particularly in writing.” —Vince Puzick
“Getting sober was hard. It was hard to walk away from the only life I knew. It was hard to break up with my most trusted confidante, to end it with my best friend and biggest cheerleader. The thing that consumed all my thoughts and time. The one there for me through the good moments and the bad nights.
I began to fear the future more than ever before: How will I experience my wedding without a champagne toast? How can I ever experience a music event again? How can I be an alcoholic at this age? How will I ever stay sober?
But let me tell you, the latter is beyond anything I could have imagined. I never expected my life to be and feel like it is today. I have a purpose. Every day, I feel more and more like my true self. Alcohol was my escape and muse, but I am learning to love myself and to feel the feelings I muted. I attend AA meetings and remember my why. I do not need to hide anymore.” —Rilee Wagner
“Honestly, I thought life would magically become easier once I got sober. I assumed that if alcohol was the problem, removing it would solve everything.
What surprised me was realizing that life is still hard. Grief still comes. Stress still comes. Conflict still comes. The difference is that now I face those things clearly instead of numbing or avoiding them. Sobriety didn’t remove hardship, but it did give me the capacity to move through it.” —Jessica Dueñas
“I was most surprised by how quickly serenity started to show up. Drinking was my way of trying to control my feelings, ignore frustrations, and numb pain. But when I got sober, a shift happened. I realized pretty quickly what I could control and what I couldn’t.
I have control over the decisions I make, the people I connect with, and my attitude. I do not have control over how others feel, what they do, or the emotions they carry.
Knowing what ‘power’ I actually have in my life helps me move through each day on purpose. It makes every day more manageable, because I know what I can affect—and what I can’t.” —Through Sober Eyes
“The biggest surprise has been the community. For so long, I always thought I was the only one with the issues I had.
Both of my parents died when I was in my early 30s, and my brother is in prison for DUI manslaughter. I had no one around me that could relate. None of my friends had lost parents or had family in prison. But as soon as I entered the rooms of AA, I found people who had experienced all of that. There’s even a woman who has a sister serving nearly the exact same sentence as my brother down to the day.
There’s a placard at the clubhouse I attend that says ‘You are NOT alone.’ I needed to know that. I needed to hear how other people have coped without picking up a drink. I still need that today after almost two years.” —Greg Downs
“My biggest surprise was discovering that a lot of people don’t drink. In my drinking days, I felt everyone drank. I couldn’t believe that life would be worth living without it.
After getting sober, I couldn’t believe all of the joys I had missed while drinking. Suddenly, the joys were just everywhere! The depressive cloak of alcohol in my system was lifted!
I’m also surprised that now alcohol is no longer an option for coping. The craving is GONE, ABSENT, NADA. I am aware, however, that one drink would set me right back down that dark and dreary path. I have no interest in challenging that belief. I’m surprised at the people who left my life, and I’m surprised at the beautiful souls who entered. I’ve learned the language of letting go. Letting go is a key act in maintaining sobriety.” —MaryBeth Murphy
“I was amazed that the 12-Step process had worked and that this entirely new guy emerged from the darkness. I was fit, clear-headed, and wide open to life.
And by how much I’d missed by being unavailable to the opportunities that life is constantly offering.” —Steve Munro 🇨🇦
What surprised you about getting sober?
Please share in the comments. And before you go, would you take a second to tap that little heart? It lets others know there’s something helpful here and grows our sober community.
We know that sharing about recovery and sobriety can feel vulnerable. Like in recovery groups, we ask that commenters in this space refrain from giving unsolicited advice or spreading hate and division. Thank you for helping us foster a kind and inclusive community!
Dr. Dana Leigh Lyons, DTCM is a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine offering heart-sourced guidance on body-mind-spirit wellness. She manages Sober App Substack and writes PERFECT HUNGER, a newsletter devoted to living a more beautiful, nourishing life.
It was a joy to find out that there are seven days in a week, not just two. I was surprised how much untapped confidence had lay dormant in me for thirty years. I was pleasantly surprised how sex is so much better sober (although my wife would need to confirm 😂)
I was surprised when I started trusting myself. I had spent so many years knowing I had no idea what I was doing and feeling that all of the choices I made were the wrong choices. A new and freeing comfort with my own values and limitations emerged. I heard "to be trusted you have to be trustworthy" in A.A. alot at the beginning of my sobriety. Over time that has new meaning to me. I know that I am someone who can be trusted, I trust myself and I can extend that to others. I don't have that sense of "just knowing" I'm going to mess everything up at any moment. I have an inner strength inside me now that understands that my higher power only wants what is best for me. That I am only here to learn, to love and to give. I will keep making mistakes, we all will. My mistakes just look a lot different today than they did before I go sober. So grateful to A.A. and my higher power for getting me here.