I got chills reading this, Jessica - the sinking dread of shame and the fear of being found out feel so familiar. But I especially love the deep compassion and shared humanness you convey so beautifully.
Thank you so much, Dana. In a way, it's sad others can relate to the dread, as it’s such a miserable experience to have had, and likewise, it’s comforting to know that this experience wasn’t only mine to hold.
This reminded me of all the little "protection rituals" I did when I was in deep and had to dip out half way through the work day to keep myself steady.
Coat the inside of my mouth with peanut butter. Hurriedly swallow it. Brush my teeth. Then more peanut butter but only on my tongue.
Make sure everyone at work always sees me using hand sanitizer just in case they can smell it coming out if my pores.
Too much body spray.
And still, all the rehearing of what I would say if confronted. Confess and beg for help? Act afronted and deny? Act surprised?
It was all very tiring. But, as you said, it is treated as a necessity of survival. On some level it was.
For me, the exposure has lasted far into sobriety. Alcohol sunk its claws in to some foundational part of my self concept, so that when it was taken away, that part of "me" was ripped out as well.
I'm well into sobriety but that wound keeps bleeding - it hurts and it's dangerous but it also reminds me to give everyone a little grace. We can't know the inside workings of someone's heart or mind, but we can give them grave and maybe that is more valuable anyway.
Thank you for sharing this and the movie recommendation. I keep hearing great things about it!
I stopped drinking at 26 when my life was small and my ego was big. I felt no shame about my drinking, only confusion about life. When I went for help a counselor told me I’d like 12 step recovery. She said it was filled with “smart people like me”. Boy did she have my number. If she had said I’d find people “who’d love me until I could love myself “, I might never have gone to my first meeting. I thought I did love myself—it was all of YOU who were the problem. Oh boy.
Close to 40 years later and without a drink since, I see it was the loving, gentle, understanding people on my path that helped me get and stay sober.
I’m thrilled to hear that message carried forward. It gives me hope.
Too many still see alcohol abuse as a choice or a deficit. Thank you for sharing the message of love in recovery.
This hit me hard. Living in that purgatory, in utter cognitive dissonance, judging myself harshly at every turn, was a nightmare existence. Worrying about the lingering odour of last night's wine. Office window kept open, eye drops used throughout the day, perfume sprayed every hour, thankful to be able to wear a mask in 2020. Oh my Lord, I am so grateful to be in my 6th year of sobriety, and my heart goes out to anyone still feeling stuck in that nightmare. There is a doorway out 🙏 Thank you for writing this piece 😘
In the 80s, if one were in tech sales, coming back to the office after lunch smelling of booze was almost expected. OK, as long as you didn't mess up. But drinking in the morning? That was crossing a line. Your story took me back to the moment I was accused of being drunk in a morning client meeting (I was). The shame sent me into the hiding behavior that Carolyn Clark and Cappy describe in thier comments. A powerful essay, Jessica!
"The safest places for me in early sobriety weren’t the ones that shamed me into change. They were the ones that held space without superiority. My sobriety grew in softness. In kindness. In being witnessed without being reduced to my worst moments." That is such truth! The biggest thing that has helped take the power out of this problem for me has been people sitting with me, listening, giving grace and not overreacting, just being with me in the moment and leaving me knowing the relationship is not broken because of this.
I didn’t have a dramatic rock bottom . My recovery began when I started accepting the truth about myself and my behaviors. I just grew exhausted by the lying . It wore me down . Thanks for a great read !
I got chills reading this, Jessica - the sinking dread of shame and the fear of being found out feel so familiar. But I especially love the deep compassion and shared humanness you convey so beautifully.
Thank you so much, Dana. In a way, it's sad others can relate to the dread, as it’s such a miserable experience to have had, and likewise, it’s comforting to know that this experience wasn’t only mine to hold.
This reminded me of all the little "protection rituals" I did when I was in deep and had to dip out half way through the work day to keep myself steady.
Coat the inside of my mouth with peanut butter. Hurriedly swallow it. Brush my teeth. Then more peanut butter but only on my tongue.
Make sure everyone at work always sees me using hand sanitizer just in case they can smell it coming out if my pores.
Too much body spray.
And still, all the rehearing of what I would say if confronted. Confess and beg for help? Act afronted and deny? Act surprised?
It was all very tiring. But, as you said, it is treated as a necessity of survival. On some level it was.
For me, the exposure has lasted far into sobriety. Alcohol sunk its claws in to some foundational part of my self concept, so that when it was taken away, that part of "me" was ripped out as well.
I'm well into sobriety but that wound keeps bleeding - it hurts and it's dangerous but it also reminds me to give everyone a little grace. We can't know the inside workings of someone's heart or mind, but we can give them grave and maybe that is more valuable anyway.
Thank you for sharing this and the movie recommendation. I keep hearing great things about it!
Oof, Cappy. So much of what you mentioned hit me right in the chest. Grateful we don’t live there anymore. Thanks for reading.
I stopped drinking at 26 when my life was small and my ego was big. I felt no shame about my drinking, only confusion about life. When I went for help a counselor told me I’d like 12 step recovery. She said it was filled with “smart people like me”. Boy did she have my number. If she had said I’d find people “who’d love me until I could love myself “, I might never have gone to my first meeting. I thought I did love myself—it was all of YOU who were the problem. Oh boy.
Close to 40 years later and without a drink since, I see it was the loving, gentle, understanding people on my path that helped me get and stay sober.
I’m thrilled to hear that message carried forward. It gives me hope.
Too many still see alcohol abuse as a choice or a deficit. Thank you for sharing the message of love in recovery.
A huge congratulations on your journey, Mary. It means a lot to me to hear such kind words from someone with such long-term sobriety.
This hit me hard. Living in that purgatory, in utter cognitive dissonance, judging myself harshly at every turn, was a nightmare existence. Worrying about the lingering odour of last night's wine. Office window kept open, eye drops used throughout the day, perfume sprayed every hour, thankful to be able to wear a mask in 2020. Oh my Lord, I am so grateful to be in my 6th year of sobriety, and my heart goes out to anyone still feeling stuck in that nightmare. There is a doorway out 🙏 Thank you for writing this piece 😘
I couldn’t think of a more perfect word to describe that space in between wanting to quit and still drinking. Purgatory. Thanks for reading, Carolyn.
In the 80s, if one were in tech sales, coming back to the office after lunch smelling of booze was almost expected. OK, as long as you didn't mess up. But drinking in the morning? That was crossing a line. Your story took me back to the moment I was accused of being drunk in a morning client meeting (I was). The shame sent me into the hiding behavior that Carolyn Clark and Cappy describe in thier comments. A powerful essay, Jessica!
Thank you for sharing! Though I'm not in the sales world, I've heard similar stories! Appreciate your share, Steve!
Lovely!
Thank you!
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
I’m glad you enjoyed. Thank you, Kristin.
"The safest places for me in early sobriety weren’t the ones that shamed me into change. They were the ones that held space without superiority. My sobriety grew in softness. In kindness. In being witnessed without being reduced to my worst moments." That is such truth! The biggest thing that has helped take the power out of this problem for me has been people sitting with me, listening, giving grace and not overreacting, just being with me in the moment and leaving me knowing the relationship is not broken because of this.
Yes! Once I shared, the people who loved me wished I had opened up sooner so they could have been there with me.
I didn’t have a dramatic rock bottom . My recovery began when I started accepting the truth about myself and my behaviors. I just grew exhausted by the lying . It wore me down . Thanks for a great read !
Thanks for reading and for sharing! It's always a gift to realize we don’t need to hit a bottom to change our behavior.