Oh man, this hits. Fellow OCD'r here. Pure O was my hidden secret growing up in the 80's with no internet and no way of knowing what I was experiencing. And there was no way I was going to share it with anyone. I suffered in silence through high school and most of college. My junior year of college my Major in Psychology and most importantly my class in Abnormal Psychology I finally got some answers about what I was experiencing. By that time I had found alcohol and the relief it brought to my ever racing and destructive mind. I tried many other modalities to help my condition or was it conditions, is it? But I never looked at or quit alcohol. Thirty plus years of snuffing out OCD and depression with alcohol and pot. Sober now coming up on 6 years. OCD is manageable, depression in check but always there waiting. This article reminds me I'm not alone in this. So appreciate you writing this. I too hate parties.
I feel very seen by this post. I have masked my entire life and, from the age of 14, alcohol became a way to mask. To be the Becky I thought I 'should' be because it made me louder, chattier, more fun. Until the morning when all the anxiety poured back in.
I have now been sober for over 19 months and I think it was a big turning point for me, coming at around the same time I realised I was neurodivergent. I'm writing a lot about unmasking right now because I want to be myself but I think it's going to be a long, arduous journey because I have to actually start putting myself first and realising I am not below everyone else. I matter. I need to find the power I found when I decided to stop drinking alcohol because, even though it was scary, I did it.
I want to be the non-smoking, tee-total, vegetarian who doesn't go to parties because I hate parties too!
Nick. I think I just read a big part of my own story. THANK YOU for sharing yours so we can see ourselves, too.
When I first drank (at 13!) I felt a near immediate relief of my anxiety. A feeling of "normal." I have no idea how I knew to come home from school, where I both worked hard at good grades and at what I now know was masking, to reach for a bottle of vodka in my parents' liquor cabinet-they were not drinkers.
When a few years later I reached for the beer and shots with my friends to calm my social anxiety, I too felt a wicked relief-and also could not stop. I always drank to black out. I was married for 30 years and while I did not drink for all of them-my ex also did not see my drinking as a problem and told me he "liked when I drank" because I was "fun." When I did quit drinking in my early 50s, he was angry and would make my favorite cocktails and set them under my nose. My marriage did not survive my sobriety.
I do not have formal diagnoses beyond Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, but I believe I have OCD and ADHD. Pretty sure I am autistic as well.
I had a pretty big crash and burn this past Fall around work and life stress, despite my sobriety. Terrifying. Been on a medical leave since. And as in the past when I have had other big stressors (which, btw, others always think I am handling beautifully-masking, sigh), my anxiety and panic soared, and, when my mental health was at its lowest, a bit of suicidal ideation kicked in as well.
I have been pondering for sometime now since getting sober the co-morbidity of neurodivergence, mental health challenges and addiction. That was certainly a dangerous recipe or me.
Thank you again for sharing so vulnerably and authentically around a much needed topic and important discussion.
Half the folks who told me (always uninvited) that "never had a problem," were people I'd gaslit with charm. The other half (and this portion is far more than 50% so I'm being metaphorical with the word "half") were people who drank as much or more than I did.
I appreciate you sharing your story. And you are right, many (including myself) will find themselves in your story. I can be a workaholic, gym-a-holic, and many others to mask being uncomfortable and avoid just "sitting with my feelings." Sobriety has helped me to slow down and listen to what my body needs. Kudos to you!
I'm close to speechless. This is so close to my story. Thank you so much for sharing!
I have been on the sobriety journey for over eight years now. I wasn't happy, but sober beat drunk anytime. A year ago, I burnt out and finally got diagnosed with autism. This feels like the piece of the puzzle that had been missing for so long. It is so good to find other people with autism in recovery. Thank you!
The link between neurodivergence and substance use disorder / alcoholism is so profound! Completely feel what you said about working hard all day to quiet the noise and then switching to booze in the evening. Thanks for sharing ❤️🩹
I myself don’t have any formal diagnoses, but am sure I would meet clinical criteria for many things 😂 I only recently re-acquired health insurance (because of marriage, interestingly) so maybe I’ll see what I can find out!
Would be curious to know your thoughts on if/how a formal diagnosis is important to you and/or your work.
Thank you Nick for sharing your powerful story. It’s beautiful and brave. And it’s frighteningly similar to so much of what I felt for so long. I masked the pain of my past and hid behind the veil of alcohol, thinking it helped me fit in and belong. I wanted to be a better drinker and keep alcohol in my life because I was terrified as well to face the world without it. I didn’t think I could do it. And I didn’t know it at the time but all those years of running away from my traumas dragged me into an anxious depression. It was hard to find my way out but just like you I up and quit one morning. Because I had no other choice anymore - the pain was too great, and I was unable to feel joy anymore. I’m happily over four years sober from alcohol. But I also have ADHD and I unfortunately found myself abusing my medication last year which set me back. It’s a journey. Anyway, thanks again for telling us your story.
I RELATE SO MUCH to your story. Thanks so much for sharing it.
"I knew that alcohol only served as a mask. I didn’t enjoy it. I mean, I loved it, absolutely loved it, but it made me feel worse than it did better. The golden years had long gone."
This is me to the max. And no one agrees I had a problem either. It was SUCH a head fuck.
The important thing is that you/I understood it.
The bit about the healthy addictions made me laugh. I actually got rid of the internet at one point. I just became SO PURIFIED.
Luckily I then met my partner who has been a wonderfully normalising presence in my life and who I owe so much of my current happiness to.
Thanks for sharing this with me! There are SO MANY of us 😃
Thank you so much for sharing, Nick. Your description of what happens when alcohol and your brain come together deeply resonates with my own experience of drinking. Heart-sourced recognition and celebration of your choice to take another path.
Oh man, this hits. Fellow OCD'r here. Pure O was my hidden secret growing up in the 80's with no internet and no way of knowing what I was experiencing. And there was no way I was going to share it with anyone. I suffered in silence through high school and most of college. My junior year of college my Major in Psychology and most importantly my class in Abnormal Psychology I finally got some answers about what I was experiencing. By that time I had found alcohol and the relief it brought to my ever racing and destructive mind. I tried many other modalities to help my condition or was it conditions, is it? But I never looked at or quit alcohol. Thirty plus years of snuffing out OCD and depression with alcohol and pot. Sober now coming up on 6 years. OCD is manageable, depression in check but always there waiting. This article reminds me I'm not alone in this. So appreciate you writing this. I too hate parties.
Thank you, Nick. So glad to be here. Onward.
I feel very seen by this post. I have masked my entire life and, from the age of 14, alcohol became a way to mask. To be the Becky I thought I 'should' be because it made me louder, chattier, more fun. Until the morning when all the anxiety poured back in.
I have now been sober for over 19 months and I think it was a big turning point for me, coming at around the same time I realised I was neurodivergent. I'm writing a lot about unmasking right now because I want to be myself but I think it's going to be a long, arduous journey because I have to actually start putting myself first and realising I am not below everyone else. I matter. I need to find the power I found when I decided to stop drinking alcohol because, even though it was scary, I did it.
I want to be the non-smoking, tee-total, vegetarian who doesn't go to parties because I hate parties too!
Thank you for writing this post, Nick. 🖤
Nick. I think I just read a big part of my own story. THANK YOU for sharing yours so we can see ourselves, too.
When I first drank (at 13!) I felt a near immediate relief of my anxiety. A feeling of "normal." I have no idea how I knew to come home from school, where I both worked hard at good grades and at what I now know was masking, to reach for a bottle of vodka in my parents' liquor cabinet-they were not drinkers.
When a few years later I reached for the beer and shots with my friends to calm my social anxiety, I too felt a wicked relief-and also could not stop. I always drank to black out. I was married for 30 years and while I did not drink for all of them-my ex also did not see my drinking as a problem and told me he "liked when I drank" because I was "fun." When I did quit drinking in my early 50s, he was angry and would make my favorite cocktails and set them under my nose. My marriage did not survive my sobriety.
I do not have formal diagnoses beyond Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, but I believe I have OCD and ADHD. Pretty sure I am autistic as well.
I had a pretty big crash and burn this past Fall around work and life stress, despite my sobriety. Terrifying. Been on a medical leave since. And as in the past when I have had other big stressors (which, btw, others always think I am handling beautifully-masking, sigh), my anxiety and panic soared, and, when my mental health was at its lowest, a bit of suicidal ideation kicked in as well.
I have been pondering for sometime now since getting sober the co-morbidity of neurodivergence, mental health challenges and addiction. That was certainly a dangerous recipe or me.
Thank you again for sharing so vulnerably and authentically around a much needed topic and important discussion.
Cheers for the share.
Half the folks who told me (always uninvited) that "never had a problem," were people I'd gaslit with charm. The other half (and this portion is far more than 50% so I'm being metaphorical with the word "half") were people who drank as much or more than I did.
My always answer: Oh yeah? (Because why argue?)
I appreciate you sharing your story. And you are right, many (including myself) will find themselves in your story. I can be a workaholic, gym-a-holic, and many others to mask being uncomfortable and avoid just "sitting with my feelings." Sobriety has helped me to slow down and listen to what my body needs. Kudos to you!
I'm close to speechless. This is so close to my story. Thank you so much for sharing!
I have been on the sobriety journey for over eight years now. I wasn't happy, but sober beat drunk anytime. A year ago, I burnt out and finally got diagnosed with autism. This feels like the piece of the puzzle that had been missing for so long. It is so good to find other people with autism in recovery. Thank you!
The link between neurodivergence and substance use disorder / alcoholism is so profound! Completely feel what you said about working hard all day to quiet the noise and then switching to booze in the evening. Thanks for sharing ❤️🩹
I myself don’t have any formal diagnoses, but am sure I would meet clinical criteria for many things 😂 I only recently re-acquired health insurance (because of marriage, interestingly) so maybe I’ll see what I can find out!
Would be curious to know your thoughts on if/how a formal diagnosis is important to you and/or your work.
Thank you Nick for sharing your powerful story. It’s beautiful and brave. And it’s frighteningly similar to so much of what I felt for so long. I masked the pain of my past and hid behind the veil of alcohol, thinking it helped me fit in and belong. I wanted to be a better drinker and keep alcohol in my life because I was terrified as well to face the world without it. I didn’t think I could do it. And I didn’t know it at the time but all those years of running away from my traumas dragged me into an anxious depression. It was hard to find my way out but just like you I up and quit one morning. Because I had no other choice anymore - the pain was too great, and I was unable to feel joy anymore. I’m happily over four years sober from alcohol. But I also have ADHD and I unfortunately found myself abusing my medication last year which set me back. It’s a journey. Anyway, thanks again for telling us your story.
I RELATE SO MUCH to your story. Thanks so much for sharing it.
"I knew that alcohol only served as a mask. I didn’t enjoy it. I mean, I loved it, absolutely loved it, but it made me feel worse than it did better. The golden years had long gone."
This is me to the max. And no one agrees I had a problem either. It was SUCH a head fuck.
The important thing is that you/I understood it.
The bit about the healthy addictions made me laugh. I actually got rid of the internet at one point. I just became SO PURIFIED.
Luckily I then met my partner who has been a wonderfully normalising presence in my life and who I owe so much of my current happiness to.
Thanks for sharing this with me! There are SO MANY of us 😃
This article spoke to my soul ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing, Nick. Your description of what happens when alcohol and your brain come together deeply resonates with my own experience of drinking. Heart-sourced recognition and celebration of your choice to take another path.