Lovely story for you and your family..I think alcohol is a killer for anyone in a relationship....starting a knew relationship you don't know the person you meet never mind having alcohol to double that...I am the same I have never had a healthy relationship and that's due to alcohol, I'm sober now 3+years and never had a date...this is due to working on myself as a person and uncovering the real me firstly, just wanted to sharethst with you Ty .
26 years ago, Kevin and I met at a dance, not exactly a “Tony and Maria meet at the dance and the world goes away” kind of thing, but it was a dance. We were both well into middle age, after all, not to mention both in recovery for alcohol abuse at the time. But still, that night was an anniversary party to celebrate a specific group and besides the meeting, there was food, music, and dancing – so there! Last week we celebrated our meeting that night, as we do every year, again at the group’s anniversary meeting.
After a moving round-robin of shared gratitude they cleared the floor, the DJ started, and we danced all night. We had so much fun, so much fun, in fact, that we were among the last on the floor as the opening notes of “Hit the Road Jack” signaled the party’s end. Home, we fell into bed, exhausted and happy. But snow was in the weekend forecast, and our history with snow is as old as our relationship.
It took less than a year from that night for Kevin and me to go from friends, to lovers, to husband and wife. It took less than one more year for Kevin to become the star employee of the public works department where he worked. He worked hard, suiting up and showed up year after year, until finally was made boss. But in an Incorporated Village where taxes are high, the residents are the real boss. And when it snows, it must go. Where it was once on him to plow snow through the dark night of winter, now it is up to him to see that the work is done and done well.
Kevin and I used to fight in the snow. Not like snowball fights, but a fight about snow. I always wanted him to say “No” to some of the overtime snow caused. He never said “No” to overtime, not once. So, I’d been tensely watching the news alongside him since the Wednesday before, because snow was in the forecast. It was going to snow Saturday night. But was it going to be 2 inches or five inches? Would he need to put out salt spreaders or salt spreaders plus snowplows, and if so, how many?
Kevin isn’t a talker. Even when he’s relaxed and happy, he’s quiet. And though this may or not be hard to believe, after 25 years together, I can still be thinking, “what is he thinking?” That day, not wanting to bother him, I didn’t ask. He’d had a long week anyway, not only dancing Friday Night, but he’d had a long board meeting one night, and another afternoon had some blood drawn for some routine medical tests. And though we’d woke up happy and together in the morning, as the day passed, I couldn’t shake the bad feeling that our day was being “interrupted” by impending snow. At some point Kevin was going to have to go into work to check on things. But what was bothering me more was the thought that he was already thinking about it, and maybe that he would be thinking about it all day until he had to go. And then he’d go.
I could have just asked him if he was preoccupied but he probably would have denied it. Maybe he would have admitted to being preoccupied, but said he “was fine” anyway. Either way, I probably wouldn’t have believed him. This is how we get: We think we know what our partner is thinking and feeling. So we think about what they are thinking, but we don’t ask. Or ask them and then don’t believe them.
It turned out he was tired. So, after grocery shopping, he took a nice, long nap on the couch. When he woke up, we ate and then sat together to pick something to watch on TV as the snow began falling softly from the dark sky. When he finally said, “Well, I guess I’ll get ready”. I felt the tug on my heartstring. I wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words.
At the door, I asked, “Where’s your hat?” It was in his pocket. Then, “Well, what about your gloves?” They were also in his pocket. Finally, I said, “Well, don’t overdo it.” To which he replied, “It’s a little hard to overdo it riding around in my truck with the Mayor.” I felt misunderstood. I’m sure he felt nagged, maybe infantilized. I tried again, “I mean, don’t stay all night.” Then he then gave me a rundown, play by play of where he was going and what he would do and with whom. But that wasn’t what I wanted either. Now I felt aggravated! I didn’t want a report. What did I want? The impending snow had triggered old feelings of insecurity, fear of conflict and the unhealthy fighting we’d done in the past. I was emotionally tumescent.
Maybe what I wanted wasn’t clear, but what was clear was that my emotional insecurity was tiring us both out. I thought maybe Kevin was beginning to resent being pulled by me, while also being pulled to do the part of his job that – while extra and or inconvenient for falling on a Saturday night – is just part of his job. We kissed goodbye at the kitchen door.
Sitting down at my computer I heard the scraping of our plastic shovel outside on our sidewalk. Kevin, ever caring, ever dutiful, was shoveling a path on our sidewalk. In that moment I remembered Cecilia’s words in her distinctly Brooklyn accent saying to me, “You know, everything your brother Bill and I ever fought about was bullshit.”
Cecilia and Bill had twenty years together. Like us they’d met and fell in love. Unlike us, they never married. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to. They almost did. Once they were engaged, but then broke it off. They even tried living together, but that didn’t work either. Eventually they managed a weekend relationship. Bill lived and worked in the Bronx, and Cecilia lived in Brooklyn and worked in NYC. Bill would spend weekends and holidays at Cecilia’s house in Brooklyn. Then Bill got sick. And then Bill died. Now Cecilia is alone, all week and weekends too. By then the shoveling had stopped outside, Kevin had gone to work.
What I wanted all day was what I already had. Someone I loved, who loves me, who is committed to me and to our family, who gets up and goes to work without complaint, someone who dances with me to celebrate and holds me tenderly and cries with me when we lose someone special like my brother, Bill. And since what I wanted was what I had, I should have been happy instead of worrying. My words weren’t off, my attitude was. Would my change of attitude change things? No. And here’s why.
What if Kevin had gone to work, remembering our awkward goodbye and him thinking about what I was thinking/but not asking and/or believing even if I told him and instead, trying to read my behavior because he knows me so well that he read my behavior as unhappiness? Then maybe when he came home later, just as I was about to fall asleep and not wanting to disturb me, or maybe thinking he was avoiding a conflict in case I was still awake but still “off” and just got quietly into bed without touching me or saying a word? I might have read that as detachment and gone to sleep with my crazy perspective validated.
It’s all bullshit.
And not what happened.
Because the minute I realized where I was off, I texted him, “You're my hero. I want to always support you. I know you have to go to work; I guess I just always want you all to myself. Sorry for making anything harder than it needed to be, please forgive me.”
And he texted me back, “I love you, baby. I’ll be home soon.”
And he was.
And when he came into bed, we kissed and hugged, and I fell asleep with my hand tucked under his as I do. And the snow stopped falling outside. There were only a few inches, after all.
Thanks Kristen! You might like Sober Not Just Dry, 365 Daily Messages for Alcoholism and Addiction Sobriety and Joy. Get it here: https://a.co/d/hH0cvZf
So beautiful, Kristen! And such a gift to yourself and your kids.
Lovely story for you and your family..I think alcohol is a killer for anyone in a relationship....starting a knew relationship you don't know the person you meet never mind having alcohol to double that...I am the same I have never had a healthy relationship and that's due to alcohol, I'm sober now 3+years and never had a date...this is due to working on myself as a person and uncovering the real me firstly, just wanted to sharethst with you Ty .
26 years ago, Kevin and I met at a dance, not exactly a “Tony and Maria meet at the dance and the world goes away” kind of thing, but it was a dance. We were both well into middle age, after all, not to mention both in recovery for alcohol abuse at the time. But still, that night was an anniversary party to celebrate a specific group and besides the meeting, there was food, music, and dancing – so there! Last week we celebrated our meeting that night, as we do every year, again at the group’s anniversary meeting.
After a moving round-robin of shared gratitude they cleared the floor, the DJ started, and we danced all night. We had so much fun, so much fun, in fact, that we were among the last on the floor as the opening notes of “Hit the Road Jack” signaled the party’s end. Home, we fell into bed, exhausted and happy. But snow was in the weekend forecast, and our history with snow is as old as our relationship.
It took less than a year from that night for Kevin and me to go from friends, to lovers, to husband and wife. It took less than one more year for Kevin to become the star employee of the public works department where he worked. He worked hard, suiting up and showed up year after year, until finally was made boss. But in an Incorporated Village where taxes are high, the residents are the real boss. And when it snows, it must go. Where it was once on him to plow snow through the dark night of winter, now it is up to him to see that the work is done and done well.
Kevin and I used to fight in the snow. Not like snowball fights, but a fight about snow. I always wanted him to say “No” to some of the overtime snow caused. He never said “No” to overtime, not once. So, I’d been tensely watching the news alongside him since the Wednesday before, because snow was in the forecast. It was going to snow Saturday night. But was it going to be 2 inches or five inches? Would he need to put out salt spreaders or salt spreaders plus snowplows, and if so, how many?
Kevin isn’t a talker. Even when he’s relaxed and happy, he’s quiet. And though this may or not be hard to believe, after 25 years together, I can still be thinking, “what is he thinking?” That day, not wanting to bother him, I didn’t ask. He’d had a long week anyway, not only dancing Friday Night, but he’d had a long board meeting one night, and another afternoon had some blood drawn for some routine medical tests. And though we’d woke up happy and together in the morning, as the day passed, I couldn’t shake the bad feeling that our day was being “interrupted” by impending snow. At some point Kevin was going to have to go into work to check on things. But what was bothering me more was the thought that he was already thinking about it, and maybe that he would be thinking about it all day until he had to go. And then he’d go.
I could have just asked him if he was preoccupied but he probably would have denied it. Maybe he would have admitted to being preoccupied, but said he “was fine” anyway. Either way, I probably wouldn’t have believed him. This is how we get: We think we know what our partner is thinking and feeling. So we think about what they are thinking, but we don’t ask. Or ask them and then don’t believe them.
It turned out he was tired. So, after grocery shopping, he took a nice, long nap on the couch. When he woke up, we ate and then sat together to pick something to watch on TV as the snow began falling softly from the dark sky. When he finally said, “Well, I guess I’ll get ready”. I felt the tug on my heartstring. I wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words.
At the door, I asked, “Where’s your hat?” It was in his pocket. Then, “Well, what about your gloves?” They were also in his pocket. Finally, I said, “Well, don’t overdo it.” To which he replied, “It’s a little hard to overdo it riding around in my truck with the Mayor.” I felt misunderstood. I’m sure he felt nagged, maybe infantilized. I tried again, “I mean, don’t stay all night.” Then he then gave me a rundown, play by play of where he was going and what he would do and with whom. But that wasn’t what I wanted either. Now I felt aggravated! I didn’t want a report. What did I want? The impending snow had triggered old feelings of insecurity, fear of conflict and the unhealthy fighting we’d done in the past. I was emotionally tumescent.
Maybe what I wanted wasn’t clear, but what was clear was that my emotional insecurity was tiring us both out. I thought maybe Kevin was beginning to resent being pulled by me, while also being pulled to do the part of his job that – while extra and or inconvenient for falling on a Saturday night – is just part of his job. We kissed goodbye at the kitchen door.
Sitting down at my computer I heard the scraping of our plastic shovel outside on our sidewalk. Kevin, ever caring, ever dutiful, was shoveling a path on our sidewalk. In that moment I remembered Cecilia’s words in her distinctly Brooklyn accent saying to me, “You know, everything your brother Bill and I ever fought about was bullshit.”
Cecilia and Bill had twenty years together. Like us they’d met and fell in love. Unlike us, they never married. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to. They almost did. Once they were engaged, but then broke it off. They even tried living together, but that didn’t work either. Eventually they managed a weekend relationship. Bill lived and worked in the Bronx, and Cecilia lived in Brooklyn and worked in NYC. Bill would spend weekends and holidays at Cecilia’s house in Brooklyn. Then Bill got sick. And then Bill died. Now Cecilia is alone, all week and weekends too. By then the shoveling had stopped outside, Kevin had gone to work.
What I wanted all day was what I already had. Someone I loved, who loves me, who is committed to me and to our family, who gets up and goes to work without complaint, someone who dances with me to celebrate and holds me tenderly and cries with me when we lose someone special like my brother, Bill. And since what I wanted was what I had, I should have been happy instead of worrying. My words weren’t off, my attitude was. Would my change of attitude change things? No. And here’s why.
What if Kevin had gone to work, remembering our awkward goodbye and him thinking about what I was thinking/but not asking and/or believing even if I told him and instead, trying to read my behavior because he knows me so well that he read my behavior as unhappiness? Then maybe when he came home later, just as I was about to fall asleep and not wanting to disturb me, or maybe thinking he was avoiding a conflict in case I was still awake but still “off” and just got quietly into bed without touching me or saying a word? I might have read that as detachment and gone to sleep with my crazy perspective validated.
It’s all bullshit.
And not what happened.
Because the minute I realized where I was off, I texted him, “You're my hero. I want to always support you. I know you have to go to work; I guess I just always want you all to myself. Sorry for making anything harder than it needed to be, please forgive me.”
And he texted me back, “I love you, baby. I’ll be home soon.”
And he was.
And when he came into bed, we kissed and hugged, and I fell asleep with my hand tucked under his as I do. And the snow stopped falling outside. There were only a few inches, after all.
What a beautiful and hope-giving love story : love for yourself through your sobriety and the love you found with your new husband.
I hear so much self awareness in your words.
And your now hubby showing up on a first date with a book by the Gottmans? Yes! That’s the greenest flag I’ve ever heard. 💚
So much honesty and self awareness, Kristen…
I love that you started talking and never stopped 😘
So sweet, Kristen!
Thanks Kristen! You might like Sober Not Just Dry, 365 Daily Messages for Alcoholism and Addiction Sobriety and Joy. Get it here: https://a.co/d/hH0cvZf
Just be carefuo of the 13th Step! 😁