5 Years Sober: What Changed and What Surprised Me
From chaos to calm, sobriety transformed my life in ways I never expected.
I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately—in no small part because I’m about to turn 50. But also because we moved to Thailand last summer. When I lived here two decades ago, I was a much different person.
The first go-round in Chiang Mai, I was in my twenties and not only not sober, but hooked on courting chaos, getting myself into one harmful situation after the next, and pursuing relationships with older men in positions of power.
This time around, having moved back at age 49, I’m five years sober, I crave calm, not chaos, and I’m married to a caring, considerate, emotionally available partner. Instead of wandering the streets after dark, I look forward to my evening routine of eating dinner, meditating, and laying in bed with my partner and cats. My nighttime vice? Staying up too late devouring whatever novel I’m reading (currently Book 6 of the Dune series).
Sounds boring, I know! And way less intriguing than the trouble I used to get up to. But the wild thing is, I’m not bored at all—I’m so much happier now. And so much more at ease, and so much more inspired and excited by life. When I lived in Thailand before—drinking too much and addicted to the wrong kinds of relationships—I was not only not happy, but in the depths of loneliness, depression, and deep, dark despair.
Sometimes, what seems liberated and edgy from the outside is a prison and hellscape within. Sometimes, what sounds boring on paper brings peace, joy, and serenity.
Anyway, since the difference between then and now feels so alive for me lately, I thought I’d share some thoughts around what changes in sobriety—and what else changes when we change (including three things that surprised me).
The choice to get sober changed everything.
Five years into sobriety, I rarely think about alcohol outside of reading and writing about it (or editing this newsletter). I love this. I’m awed by it. The more time I spend sober, the less my relationship with alcohol defines me.
These days, I find myself more focused on the next layer: where I’m still hooked, where I’m still playing the same games just without substances, where I’m still numbing out and stuck in unhelpful cycles. Addiction to work and being online, for example.
I don’t begrudge this ongoing exploration and practice—I find it fascinating, expansive, and life-giving.
And yet, I also think it’s important to pause and remember just how much has changed since giving up alcohol. These changes were top of mind-body-spirit in early sobriety. But, at a certain point, they became my new normal. I turned my attention to those next layers; I lost touch with how much better things are now compared to before.
And so, I wanted to recount some of those changes here. If you’re new to sobriety or even just considering it, perhaps this list will encourage you to stay the course or expand your sense of what’s possible (with the caveat that everyone’s experience is different; your sobriety might not look or feel anything like mine, and that’s absolutely okay).
Some beautiful changes that happened once I got sober:
Knowing that I’m not arranging any part of my life around a profoundly addictive toxin has brought tremendous relief physically, mentally, and spiritually. My body and mind feel lighter, clearer, more spacious.
Since getting sober, I’ve experienced deeper, sounder sleep than I have for perhaps my whole life. This impacts everything—body, mind, spirit.
Since getting sober, I’ve experienced significant, life-changing reduction in depression and anxiety. The anxiety’s still there, but way less. The depression is…kind of gone? Sure, I still have days and weeks that are dark and low. But I no longer get stuck in the place where the walls close in, there’s no light or air, and I can’t crawl my way out for months.
Quitting alcohol entirely—without negotiation or moderation—is by far the most impactful thing I’ve done to boost my confidence and lessen my feelings of shame. This includes confidence in my core values, as well as confidence in my resilience and capacity to stand in life—to really be here without numbing out.
I experience heightened sensitivity and presence in yoga, meditation, and everyday mindfulness. I thought this was the case before getting sober, but quitting booze unlocked whole other levels.
I experience a deeper, more embodied connection to Nature, Source, intuition, and spirit.
And yes: my skin is brighter and less puffy, my perimenopausal symptoms have subsided, and my metabolism and immune system are more robust. I mention these “pink-cloud” promises last because, for me, they are the result of quitting alcohol and sticking with other eating and lifestyle choices. Prior to getting sober, consuming alcohol on a regular basis was counteracting those choices and every health-supportive habit I had. For me, removing alcohol was the biggest variable with the most obvious impact when it comes to my health and physical body. This may or may not be true for you—we all bring a different set of variables and circumstances. (That said, quitting alcohol is absolutely a kindness to your physical body and good for your health!)
Sobriety also came with surprises.
I’m deeply grateful for and see great value in pausing to remember everything above. And yet, those more-or-less expected changes aren’t even the whole of it—just as giving up an addictive substance isn’t the whole of sobriety.
For me, complete abstinence from alcohol was an essential first step; that alone brought life-altering changes.
But then came the harder, less expected part. Because only then did I massively expand my capacity to: 1) see, name, and take accountability for my patterns and how I’m the common denominator across my life—regardless of what others “did to me,” and 2) forgive others and see their humanness even when our history holds hurt.
For me, this part of sobriety didn’t happen in the first month or two. It emerged over the course of my first year and continues to emerge and evolve. It came bearing surprises that I perhaps intellectualized, but didn’t get til I got.
Those surprises weren’t just about me, but also my relationships. Here are three of the biggest ones along with guiding questions (in case they’re helpful in your own exploration and/or if you wish to share and inspire us all in the comments).
1. When we change, so does every single relationship in our life.
Change can’t happen in isolation. When we make changes—especially big ones, like quitting a harmful substance or behavior—this changes our relationships. In ways obvious and subtle, in relationships casual and close, the dynamics will shift.
This doesn’t mean that every person we’re in relationship with will change—many will not, and we can resist that or make peace with it. Even if they do change, it won’t be on our timeline. We can resist or make peace with that too. And hold the line. And draw boundaries. And leave when we need. And make space for us to be us and them to be them. All humans, all figuring it out.
How about you? When you got sober, how did this change your relationships? Where and how did it prompt you to hold the line, draw boundaries, carve out more space, or perhaps even leave?
2. In changing ourselves—in reaching a place of knowing and doing what we need to do to save the only life we can save—a surprising thing happens: some of our nearest and dearest do change.
Not by our doing. Not through expecting or demanding. Rather, by stepping back. By softening towards others and focusing on our side of the street.
Some of this is other people actually changing—including in ways we most welcome and least expect. Some of it is that our experience of them changes. In changing ourselves, it couldn’t be otherwise. Together, this births a new “we” into being.
How about you? When you got sober, how did it change your experience of those closest to you or the world around you? Did anyone in your life actually change, perhaps in ways that surprised you?
3. All of this will break your heart.
It will break for those who don’t change. It will break for those who do. Especially when that change arrives after so much time, after so many years of doing the exact thing that made everything worse. When that stops—when anger dissolves and fear and grief arise—it hurts. And, it’s healing.
Moving through this, the person who changes (self included) can only have gotten here by passing through there. It will be messy, nonlinear, and always unfinished—but also alive and honest and human.
How about you? Have you experienced heartbreak when someone didn’t change? Or when you didn’t change? Have you experienced heartbreak when someone (or you) did change, especially when that change came after much time and much hurt?
If you’re new to sobriety (or even just considering it), these “surprising” changes and questions might feel like too much right now. If that’s true for you, I totally get it and recommend returning to the first list above—perhaps even zeroing in on those “pink-cloud” promises, which is exactly what I did for the first month or three!
But also know that by tending to the immediate—by making that one decision to not drink—you’re setting profound, life-altering changes in motion. Some of those changes will arrive right away and be more-or-less expected. Some, including beautiful surprises, will emerge over time.
And whether you’re a week or month or year or decades into sobriety, I encourage you to pause from time to time, remember what’s changed, and recognize what you did to get from where you were before to where you are now.
How about you?
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
What changed for you personally in sobriety?
What changed in your relationships with others?
Did any of those changes surprise you?
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Brilliant, Dana, especially your insight about relationships. I could write forever about these issues (but nobody wants that!), so I’ll focus on two of the most significant in my experience: 1) I’ve learned to let go of the need to control or fix the things that are not mine to do so; and 2) by being present in my own life, I have a core understanding of my own strengths and weaknesses such that I am less or not-at-all affected/ distracted by things not on my side of the street so, in turn, I can embrace what is good for me.
Please keep up with your outstanding writing!
Happy for you, Dana, and congrats on five years!
The benefits of sobriety are numerous and deeply meaningful—thank you for putting your wins on paper. It’s inspiring.
I’m on day 101 for alcohol and day 470 for porn. One of the biggest benefits, especially in my porn recovery, has been experiencing a completely porn-free relationship with my girlfriend.
It’s the first relationship I’ve ever had in my life without porn in the picture, and the difference between the two worlds is night and day. The levels of trust, intimacy, friendship, and love are beyond what I ever imagined back when porn was still a shadow over my horizon.
I think the same holds true for alcohol. Being free of it has brought a level of clarity and awareness of choice that is invaluable to me. I know that at any moment, I can be someone who is fully present and reliable—able to heed the call if needed, without feeling compromised or out of the game.
Sobriety is a hard-earned gift we give ourselves, and it’s worth every bit of its weight.