Focusing and Recovery: A Compassionate Approach to Healing
Welcoming all parts of ourselves
Want to hear Ellie read this article? Hit play here:
The power of “I am”
I used to think that I was my emotions. I thought that the thing I was feeling and “me” were one and the same. I would think and say: “I am sad” or “I am stressed” or “I am anxious.”
Often, these feelings would overwhelm me. I felt despair and hopelessness. How could I possibly feel better when I had become an emotion that was profoundly painful to feel?
Then, a few years ago, I discovered the practice of Focusing and realized that there was a different way of relating to my emotions, and to myself.
“Something in me…”
What difference do you notice when you say: “Something in me is sad” or “I am aware that something in me is sad”? For me, I find it creates a pause. It creates a bit of space and distance between “me” and the emotion that is visiting me. I become aware that there is a “me” that exists outside of the emotion. That the emotion is only a part of me; not the whole of me.
In that space what arises is often a feeling of compassion for that part. I notice that my awareness shifts to notice that part, that feeling, being somewhere in my body. Sadness and grief are in my belly. Anxiety is around my heart. And instinctively, I’ll put my hand there. Close my eyes. Feel moved with love for that innocent part of me that might feel scared and alone.
Yes, there is something in me that feels sad. And also there is a “me” that can notice that sadness. And as I quietly sit with that part, allowing it to be as it is, I may notice something else. Perhaps there is also something in me feeling compassion. I may notice that. There may also be something in me that feels critical of the sad part of me. Something in me that doesn’t want to feel sad. And that part is welcome too.
I may also notice sensations: perhaps I can also hear the birds outside. I might notice the warmth of my hand on my belly. Perhaps I breathe more deeply. Perhaps a heaviness is here in my body, a pleasant heaviness.
What I’m doing is welcoming all parts of myself. Saying hello to it all. Accepting every part. Not trying to change them or make them go away; just noticing them. Allowing them to be as they are.
Welcoming it all
What I find, too, is that my body relaxes when I bring awareness to the parts within me. And that the part that before felt overwhelming and frightening, relaxes too. It feels seen and heard. Often it unfurls into something else. Sometimes it simply fades away.
This often happens to my inner critic. I might notice there is a voice telling me: “You’ve done something wrong! You’re a failure!” And there is such a shift when I notice: “Something in me thinks I’ve done something wrong. Something in me thinks I’m a failure.”
I might notice what that part looks like. And perhaps I might reassure it that I’m here and I’m listening: “Yes, you think I’ve done something wrong.” Perhaps I’ll ask it what it needs, or what it’s feeling. I might notice: “Yes, you’re scared about that. You’re feeling really worried.” And the more I listen, the more it softens. The more I sit with it, with compassion and understanding, the more reassured it feels.
It’s that seemingly paradoxical experience of being a human: turning towards our pain can be the way to relieve our suffering. Rather than trying to escape from your pain, what happens when you notice it, acknowledge it, and welcome it to sit beside you?
Coming into relationship with ourselves
I find this practice to be a powerful way to nurture self-compassion and acceptance of myself. It is about building a relationship with our inner world, which many of us feel disconnected from or afraid of. When we welcome all parts of ourselves, we reclaim the parts that were lost. That were shamed. That we tried to banish. That we tried to run from.
Addiction is all about trying to escape from our pain and believing that a substance or behavior is doing just that. But drugs like alcohol only provide a temporary escape, and end up magnifying our pain and creating suffering that never needed to be there. It is truly courageous to turn towards all parts of ourselves with love, and what we may find is deep relief. To realize that what we were running from was never as scary as we thought it was.
“Something in me wants to drink”
This practice is hugely helpful, too, when the urge to drink comes up. Instead of believing “I want to drink” (and in doing so we are identifying with the thought, we are believing our whole being wants to drink) you might try saying: “I’m noticing that something in me wants to drink.” You may notice that it is a part of you that wants to drink. An innocent part that is trying to help.
All our parts are trying to help us, in the only way they know. And remember, we don’t have to do what they say. We can simply say hello to them and acknowledge they are here, in this moment. We might say: “Yes, this is what it’s like for you.” We might thank them for being here, thank them for trying to help. And we can say: “I’m not going to do that right now, I don’t think that will help.” Showing them care, and setting a boundary, as you would with a child.
Through this practice I have learned to be less afraid of my feelings. I find it so much more natural now to turn towards myself with love. It is such a relief to know that anything that is here with me is only a part, and that if I turn towards it and allow it to be exactly as it is, very often, it moves on. And I feel something like peace.
You can find out more about Focusing at The British Focusing Institute. It is a practice that is most powerful when done with another person to guide you, so I really recommend having a look at workshops or one-to-one sessions with practitioners, if your curiosity leads you there.
How about you?
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
Have you tried using the Focusing technique to address urges or difficult emotions in your recovery? What was that experience like for you?
What other practices or tools have you found most helpful in staying connected to your emotions without turning to alcohol?
And if you found this article helpful, please tap the little heart. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.
We know that sharing about recovery and sobriety can feel vulnerable. Like in recovery groups, we ask that commenters in this space refrain from giving unsolicited advice or spreading hate and division. Rest assured, anyone who does not honor this request will be removed from the comment section. Thank you for helping us foster a kind and inclusive community!
Want to be published on Sober.com? If you’re sober and interested in contributing, we’d love to hear from you. Reach out to our newsletter manager here for submission guidelines.
 | A guest post by
|
Such a beautiful, powerful practice, Ellie - and you describe it in such a clear, accessible way. I’m looking forward to trying it out with my inner voice, next time fear-based stories come calling.
I love this! Thank you for sharing— is focusing similar to/related to IFS therapy?
I love the idea of finding the part in or around the body - I am working to find my parts that want to drink/eat too much/ do bc something extreme and asking, what do you need?
Great pierce, thank you again!