No, Thanks: How Sober People Respond to Drink Offers
Our sober community shares how they handle drink offers—from witty one-liners to vulnerable truths.
“How do you handle that moment when someone offers you a drink and you say no? Does it feel different depending on where you are or who you’re with?”
I recently asked a version of this question on Substack Notes and loved reading the thoughtful responses. Some of you pointed out (rightly!) that it doesn’t have to feel awkward. And honestly, after five-plus years of sobriety, it usually doesn’t for me. A simple “No thanks, I don’t drink” does the trick, and the conversation moves on from there.
But here’s the thing: if it does feel awkward for you—or uncomfortable, or vulnerable, or downright scary—I get it. We come to sobriety with different histories, face different circumstances, and are each at our own point in the journey.
Take me, for example: I got sober in my mid-forties, during pandemic lockdown in Canada. My social life was… well, nonexistent at the time. Not to mention, my partner’s been sober for decades. But if I’d quit drinking in my twenties, while navigating grad school in Washington, D.C.? Or in my early thirties, when my closest friends partied ’til sunrise? Whole different story.
Over these past five years, I’ve been blessed to connect with so many sober folks—each with different situations amidst all that we share. For some, saying “I don’t drink” rolls off the tongue and even feels cool and exciting. For others, those words are the hardest part of sobriety.
So, if you’re in that second camp or somewhere in between? You’re not alone, and you’re in good company—people who get it. Plus, it probably won’t always feel this way. (After all, what’s life if not change?)
Below, you’ll find practical tips, sample scripts, and encouragement from this beautiful, diverse community. Whether “No thanks” catches in your throat or feels like no big deal, there’s room for you here. And if it does come easily to you, please lend your strength and compassionate reassurance to others.
A heartfelt thank you to everyone who shared their experiences. There were so many great responses—I’m highlighting ones that reflect a range of perspectives and feel kind and supportive.
We’d also love to hear from you! As a sober person, how do you respond when someone offers you a drink? Join the conversation and share your approach in the comments.
“I don’t make a big deal of it: thanks, but I don’t drink. Simple enough. I’ve never had anyone react inappropriately.” —
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“I keep it real. I own it. I say, I don’t drink. If they persist I add, Trust me: There’s a reason I don’t drink anymore; it was a serious problem. When I drink I cause harm. That usually does the trick.” —
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“One of the things I had to let myself do in early sobriety was lie - say antibiotics, just taking a little break. My primary loyalty was to whatever would keep me sober. If questions felt like too much, I let myself lie.” —
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“It’s taken a while to get comfortable with it (there are still times I feel awkward) but the biggest thing for me was realising they don’t care as much as I think they do. Any negative reactions say more about their relationship with alcohol than it does mine. Once I started to realise this I actually started getting more positive and supportive reactions from others—not sure if that’s a coincidence or some strange energy shift changing my experience, either way it’s a bonus!” —
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“I used to find this awkward, but to be honest, these days I am just completely unapologetic and matter-of-fact about it. Perhaps that comes with age, I’m not sure, but now that I’m in my 50s I don’t feel the need to explain or justify my life choices to anyone.” —
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“It has definitely evolved over the years, but now I understand, feel and believe that their reaction is truly all about them. It has become interesting, and I’ll even say fun, to craft my delivery, language and communication style in a way that lands as softly as possible to be received, yet also as bluntly as needed to get the point across the first time.” —
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“I worried about this a lot in early sobriety. It was a big deal for me then; it’s not a big deal for me now. My response varies, and usually takes some form of ‘I’m retired from drinking.’ Sometimes, I share about my experience with alcohol abuse. Other times, I leave it at that. I find no one cares; lots of people abstain for various reasons and non-alcoholic beverages are increasing in popularity—even with non-sober folks. It took time to find comfort, but that was a sign that I was still uncomfortable with my choice. When I became comfortable, everything else took care of itself.” —
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“The only time it can be awkward for me in recent history was on a few 1st dates if/when the topic came up like ‘so you don’t drink AT ALL?’ My profile on apps clearly states I don’t drink. So I’ve really tried to only match w/non drinkers for most part since. Maybe that’s why I’m still single, ha! I think 90% of people (women in my case) still show they drink at least occasionally on the apps, at least in LA, which is ironic since being healthy and sober or sober curious is supposedly hip here.” —
“After 15 years clean and sober, when I actually find myself around others that drink, it’s good friends or family. So there’s an understanding. They do them. I do me. In the early days I had all kinds of clever quips. ‘Loud proud and sober,’ ‘NUNYA!’ (None of your damn business), ‘I reached my lifetime allotment,’ ‘You don’t have enough.’ Today I smile at those insecure and passive aggressive responses. Peace. ☺️” —
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“I’ve come to realize that, even if I did still drink, I wouldn’t want to be around people who pressure others to drink (or any other unhealthy behavior). Peer pressure is out, and community care is in!” —
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“I’ve had longer stints of not drinking so I’m pretty comfortable with the idea, but the question still does come up. I normally just say I’m on a health kick and not drinking is part of that. When I was younger, I would over explain many things because I thought that’s what ‘authenticity’ was. I am almost 38, and in my 30s I learned I do not owe anyone a verbal think piece on my personal decisions. I base what I say to the person on our relationship status and/or my mood—lol. ❤️” —
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“Great question! It’s definitely situational. But I have a few responses locked and loaded: I’m working early in the morning; I’m training for Ironman; I’m breastfeeding (funny for obvious reasons); I’m a Mormon; I’m allergic (traditional).” —
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“Protecting my sobriety is important to me. Today I am going to a nephew’s birthday party and many people will be drinking alcohol. I will bring my own drink, probably a large coffee in one hand and water in the other. If anyone asks what I want to drink I will let them know I am all good. When someone asks me directly, do you drink? Or, why don’t you drink? I make a decision about how much information to share, sticking to the truth. 1) Alcohol gives me migraines. 2) Alcohol affects me harshly, so I don’t drink. 3) I haven’t had a drink in many years (37!) and my life is much better without it.” —
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“When I first quit, I told people I was ‘taking a break’ from drinking, which was helpful for my own demand-avoidant personality as well. I never felt like I was committing to sobriety ‘forever,’ and as time went on and I realized how much better my life was without it, it became easier to say ‘I don’t drink.’ I definitely thought it was going to be more awkward than it turned out to be. Most people don’t even notice or care, and by far the most common reaction I’ve gotten is people launching into an explanation of how they ‘barely drink at all anymore,’ which I can see for the defensiveness it is and have compassion in the moment. —
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“I find that most people don’t comment if I just say I don’t drink alcohol. If they need to know more I tell them I stopped when I lived with an alcoholic and don’t miss it.” —
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“Sometimes if they are belligerent about it, I ask them why they drink. Flips the script.” —
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“I say that I have ADHD and I do better without alcohol, but I’m fine being around it. I’m going on 2.5 years without a sip now and I don’t think I’ll stop.” —
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“With strangers, I just order something without alcohol and don’t mention it or mention it breezily if it must be addressed. With people I know, though, I tend to gush the way I would if I got a random inheritance or something, telling them how lucky I feel to have figured out that the best amount of booze for my particular body and mind is zero. I’ve been lucky that sobriety has been a path to joy, and while I know that’s not everyone, I really want to represent that it has felt that way to me, when appropriate.” —
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“‘I don’t drink.’ Depending on the context I might give more details: ‘too many AA members in my family tree’ (for this reason, I’ve never drunk). However I do it, I have inner peace and surety with my decision not to imbibe, and I make sure I convey that with my message. My hope is they’ll take it in the same stride, but if not that’s their problem (and a red flag).” —
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“It interferes with my meds :) nice and simple, does not invite follow up questions.” —
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“No thanks, I’m an alcoholic.” —
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“I don’t like the way it makes me feel.” —
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“This is hard at first, until it isn’t. I tried saying different things until I found something that stuck. Usually I’ll say something like ‘I’ve already had my lifetime allotment of drinks.’” —
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“I tell people I rearrange furniture when I drink.” —
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“I honestly look them straight in the eye and silently dare them to ask… Maybe it’s the enneagram eight in me, but once I learned that confidence kept silliness away, I’ve stuck to it. I think that if I speak about my sobriety (from alcohol) unapologetically, people don’t feel like you owe them an apology. <3” —
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“‘I just can’t hang like I used to - a couple drinks and I feel sick for days.’ There are so many reasons people don’t drink. None of them are any of my business.” —
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“I say that I have a medical condition that doesn’t allow me to enjoy a drink. I have a lemonade, and don’t make a big deal out of it. My recovery is my business, until I feel they’re trustworthy, then I might share my story with the normies.” —
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“Depends on the place and setting. I told no one in the beginning. I suppose there was some shame at play. Now I will gladly talk about it if people press me but I usually just say I don’t drink and leave it at that. I have zero shame around it now and in fact consider it an essential part of my personal growth journey.” —
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“I usually tell them like it’s amazing news, and most of the time they mirror that back to me.” —
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“For context, I have not struggled with addiction. Prone to drinking, sometimes excessively, because of family environment and social conditioning but able to pick it up or put it down when I felt like it. I usually say, I’m experimenting with sobriety or not drinking right now. And if they inquire further I say that a majority of my life has been experienced through the lens of alcohol and I want to see what it feels like and what’s possible when that’s removed from the equation.” —
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“I’ve gotten more comfortable with straightforwardly saying ‘no thank you, I don’t drink’ as time has gone on. Whenever anyone presses me on it, I tell them (with a smile!) that I drank all my allotted drinks by my late thirties, so I don’t have any allocation left.” —
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“I say ‘I no longer drink alcohol.’ If they probe, I explain why. Drinking alcohol was not good for my physical or spiritual health so I stopped. And I haven’t missed it.” —
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“Context dependent. Usually order soda water and a splash of grapefruit. I got sober on the younger side and it came up more then, usually on dates, and it was more awkward, but as I’ve gotten older no one really asks. I’ve found the people that ask or press me on it tend to be ones I’m saving a seat for in the rooms. I’m pretty open about it though, both personally and professionally. Not drinking (which I personally view differently as being truly sober at least in the context of AA) is also trendy now so it comes up even less. Frankly, it’s no one’s business. I don’t drink. Is a complete sentence and you can end the conversation there if you so choose. There is always the classic - I’m allergic and every time I drink I break out in handcuffs. All depends on context, your individual personality, and your own confidence and openness about your own sobriety. The only wrong answer is one that makes one uncomfortable and if you’re uncomfortable answering this question maybe you’re putting yourself in situations or surrounding yourself with people that aren’t a great fit for where you are on your journey.” —
“Context matters although I try to be as clear and factual as possible. When in a place I’m offered a drink, one or more of the following: [unfamiliar] No thanks, I don’t drink alcohol; [familiar] I don’t drink anymore {option if they seem confused: I chose an alcohol free life when COVID lockdown gave me the opportunity.} When planning to go to an event with someone where drinking might happen, they don’t know me well, and where I don’t want THEM to feel awkward: ‘A heads up - it’s pretty common for drinking when we go to {xxxx} - and I wanted to let you know I don’t drink. I also wanted you to know that I’m not affected by people drinking around me.’” —
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“I just say ‘I’ve had my share’ with a smile and a wink.” —
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“I think because I stopped drinking almost 30 years ago I don’t have a problem with telling people I don’t drink. I honestly don’t care what they think about it, which helps. I usually ask for something non-alcoholic, like seltzer with cranberry juice.” —
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“When offered a drink, just say: ‘No thank you.’ No need to explain or announce. If someone seems uncomfortable drinking in front of me, I can gently say: ‘I have a problem with my drinking, not your drinking.’” —
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“I used to fudge around the question, until I realised it was exactly like I used to fudge around the question of whether I was truly an alcoholic - to avoid public embarrassment (despite that inner voice confirming the truth, every alcoholic can avoid it, finding an excuse to continue drinking).
In short, I’ve been sober and straight for about 20 years - after 3 months of voluntary rehab - and in the first few months of sobriety, I just said no thanks when offered a drink. Then I realised my mistake - I was still hiding. And to counter the shame and embarrassment that shouldn’t even exist, I now say, ‘No thanks, I’m an alcoholic. And I’ll drink you dry.’ Then grin, like we’ve just shared a joke. And they usually smile in return, and there the subject ends.
Unless, of course, I’m fortunate enough to have encountered someone else with that exact problem. And then the conversation slowly begins. And thus my refusal to stay silent has helped someone deal with their own alcoholism. After all, what would be the point of my own journey of discovery, if it didn’t help someone else find their own personal freedom?
Live life on your own terms and conditions, learn your boundaries, and share with those who are yet to travel the road less travelled.” —
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As a sober person, how do you respond when someone offers you a drink? Please share in the comments!
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Thank you to everyone who shared! ♥️
I would say at this point in my life I’m pretty direct with a no. But depending on where I’m at or if I’m interested I’ll ask if there is a mocktail version. There are these different stages. The early stage where you have to balance the friends you use to drink with and the acceptance that this is shifting. Some thinking this is not going to be permanent. It’s just a phase. The one year commitment was big. After 3 or 4 months though it was here to stay. I am 100% certain in my life now this beverage has nothing to offer me. Moving through life now with focusing on purity of my mind and body is my desire.