For so long, I was so scared of telling my truth. That I had to untangle my relationship with alcohol. That it was becoming too big for me to manage. I had such angst about how others would react. What would they say? Some people surprised me, some embraced me, some joined me, and some grew distant. What I realized at some point was that their reactions had more to do with them than with me.
I wish I had read this essay back then. I wish I had this as a resource. I am glad I have it now - to go back to when I feel shaky about recovering out loud. For me, I do need to recover out loud. I understand that it not the path for all and this offering covers all the ways we can open ourselves up to the freedom sobriety offers. There IS a movement going on. We ARE able to say these things without carrying shame.
This essay is a gift to anyone wondering if they are ready to speak it out loud. Thank you, Dana.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing a window into your own journey, Allison. I so hear you on the range of responses - and how many of them aren’t about us at all. Big yes to releasing shame and finding freedom. ❤️
Interesting to me how activating this idea was 3 years ago. It terrified me. The thought of telling anyone that I quit drinking. I’m a chronic over sharer and explainer so I was also not super eloquent in my telling lol. Back then there was even shame that I had quit wrapped up in there.
I went inward. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with people’s reactions. It all felt too amazing and precarious at the same time and I didn’t trust myself to not be influenced by others or get too scared and return to drinking. In hindsight it may have been helpful and less lonely to share more with people who love me. I’m soooo much better about that now and have no problem stating that I don’t drink.
I have a very public job. I work in law where drinking is a large part of the work culture. I’m still pretty private about my recovery. It’s up to me who and when I share it with and I’m not hiding it. I recently had to present as part of a group to a large group of colleagues. There was a skit where a stressed out lawyer was pounding alcohol in his office. A group member emailed all of us concerned it might be offensive to those in recovery. I responded to the whole group stating that I couldn’t speak for every person in recovery but as a non drinker I did not find it offensive but a light hearted way to start a conversation about a real issue in our profession. It was a proud and scary moment for me! It was a turning point and it felt fantastic!!! Apologies for the extra long comment. Thanks for reading ☺️
Thank you so much for sharing, Amy! And huge recognition for the self-awareness and care you brought to your own process. I love, appreciate, and resonate with this so much: “It all felt too amazing and precarious at the same time and I didn’t trust myself to not be influenced by others or get too scared and return to drinking.” Sounds as though you did exactly what you needed to do at that time to safeguard your sobriety and be your own best caretaker.
Huge recognition as well for the courage it must have taken to respond in that way to the work skit. I can only imagine the relief and lightness you must have felt speaking up rather than holding that in. No doubt, others were paying attention and were grateful for your message even if they weren’t ready to say so out loud. Thank you for being here and offering another perspective and beautiful example of how “coming out” can play out.
I live in a fairly small town where the only social places that are open and available to me at night are bars. I want to stop going to them, and I'm willing to give a sobriety program a chance. I think there's one that meets at night, which would give me someplace to go. However....from what I've heard, if you are going to be part of alcoholics anonymous, at some point you have to agree that there is a higher power. I absolutely do not believe in God, or that any higher power at all exists. I would be betraying myself in a major way if I was coerced to say this or agree to this. As much as I don't want to sit in a bar and drink anymore, there really is no other social scene at night in this town available to me other than possibly this sobriety program. But I will never again be pressured to bow to some invisible force that I don't believe in, as I was raised in a extremely abusive religious household. It's one of the reasons I became such a heavy drinker for so long. Does anyone know of any other sobriety programs out there besides AA?
Thank you for sharing, Juantastico. Sending so much support and recognition to you as you navigate early sobriety and seek out kindred community.
While AA works wonders for many, I personally did not follow an AA route of recovery. I did an online program that no longer exists (run by Holly Whitaker) in addition to online programs with Annie Grace (the free version and the paid one): https://thisnakedmind.com/ I also read tons of "quit lit" and listened to sober podcasts. All of that was non-religious.
Thank you for sharing this Dana! I had a bit of an easier ride as I got pregnant a few months after quitting alcohol for good AND it was lockdown so nobody noticed! And then once we were out of lockdown I was breastfeeding so it only kind of came up once my son was a few months old, by which point I was over a year sober! So I was very lucky. But I’ve also been so lucky as most people haven’t batted an eyelid, a couple of people were a bit surprised, and it’s sparked lots of great conversations with people sharing how they or family and friends want to cut down. Literally no one has been a dick about - I think I really have been incredibly lucky in that regard. Having said that, I haven’t felt brave enough to have conversations about my previous drinking with friends who knew me in that time and family as I still have a lot of shame about it. I am scared of one day being asked, or having something reflected to me that brings up a lot of shame
That’s so cool, Ellie! I love how you had space to explore early sobriety without pressure or rush to tell everyone...and how folks responded in such beautiful ways when you did share. I so hear you about lingering places of shame. I try to remind myself that if my past didn’t happen, there’s no way I’d be able to empathize with and support others on a similar path. I also remind myself that I’d never shame others for their past and try to extend that same grace to myself. (Some days go better than others, but I find that the practice helps all the same!) ❤️
Yes you’re so right, a big part of me does believe that. And also because there is so much stigma around addiction that it’s hard to be with that level of shame. The other day I was telling a new person about my journey and she said ‘oh… so you were an alcoholic.’ And I just went boiling hot and my heart was racing and it was hard to reply calmly because I just felt like I’d been punched by that label, which for me means wrongness and rejection. It’s hard sometimes to stand strong with inner compassion when society tells us to judge and reject people who struggle with addiction
Oh, I so hear you! Argh. Every once in a while, someone will be speaking to me in person (unaware of my online life, usually) and refer to someone else as an “alcoholic” - nodding their head as though we all know what THAT means. Makes me so heated! Plus, the people who do this often have a harmful relationship with alcohol themselves and don’t even register it (easier to point a finger at some more “extreme” version). And/or they have equally problematic addictions in other areas.
Yes - it’s all part of othering addicts so that we feel safe, ‘oh I’d never do that! I’d never be that bad!’ Rather than finding compassion and commonality. But I am totally guilty of doing this too in other areas!!
So true, and me too :). But I do think at least being aware of what we’re up to makes a world of difference (and I personally didn’t get to that place until getting sober).
Love that, Lady Jane. And yeah, it says a lot about someone if they don’t support someone else’s choice to not drink (whatever the reason). Cheering you on in your sobriety!
For so long, I was so scared of telling my truth. That I had to untangle my relationship with alcohol. That it was becoming too big for me to manage. I had such angst about how others would react. What would they say? Some people surprised me, some embraced me, some joined me, and some grew distant. What I realized at some point was that their reactions had more to do with them than with me.
I wish I had read this essay back then. I wish I had this as a resource. I am glad I have it now - to go back to when I feel shaky about recovering out loud. For me, I do need to recover out loud. I understand that it not the path for all and this offering covers all the ways we can open ourselves up to the freedom sobriety offers. There IS a movement going on. We ARE able to say these things without carrying shame.
This essay is a gift to anyone wondering if they are ready to speak it out loud. Thank you, Dana.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing a window into your own journey, Allison. I so hear you on the range of responses - and how many of them aren’t about us at all. Big yes to releasing shame and finding freedom. ❤️
Interesting to me how activating this idea was 3 years ago. It terrified me. The thought of telling anyone that I quit drinking. I’m a chronic over sharer and explainer so I was also not super eloquent in my telling lol. Back then there was even shame that I had quit wrapped up in there.
I went inward. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with people’s reactions. It all felt too amazing and precarious at the same time and I didn’t trust myself to not be influenced by others or get too scared and return to drinking. In hindsight it may have been helpful and less lonely to share more with people who love me. I’m soooo much better about that now and have no problem stating that I don’t drink.
I have a very public job. I work in law where drinking is a large part of the work culture. I’m still pretty private about my recovery. It’s up to me who and when I share it with and I’m not hiding it. I recently had to present as part of a group to a large group of colleagues. There was a skit where a stressed out lawyer was pounding alcohol in his office. A group member emailed all of us concerned it might be offensive to those in recovery. I responded to the whole group stating that I couldn’t speak for every person in recovery but as a non drinker I did not find it offensive but a light hearted way to start a conversation about a real issue in our profession. It was a proud and scary moment for me! It was a turning point and it felt fantastic!!! Apologies for the extra long comment. Thanks for reading ☺️
Thank you so much for sharing, Amy! And huge recognition for the self-awareness and care you brought to your own process. I love, appreciate, and resonate with this so much: “It all felt too amazing and precarious at the same time and I didn’t trust myself to not be influenced by others or get too scared and return to drinking.” Sounds as though you did exactly what you needed to do at that time to safeguard your sobriety and be your own best caretaker.
Huge recognition as well for the courage it must have taken to respond in that way to the work skit. I can only imagine the relief and lightness you must have felt speaking up rather than holding that in. No doubt, others were paying attention and were grateful for your message even if they weren’t ready to say so out loud. Thank you for being here and offering another perspective and beautiful example of how “coming out” can play out.
I live in a fairly small town where the only social places that are open and available to me at night are bars. I want to stop going to them, and I'm willing to give a sobriety program a chance. I think there's one that meets at night, which would give me someplace to go. However....from what I've heard, if you are going to be part of alcoholics anonymous, at some point you have to agree that there is a higher power. I absolutely do not believe in God, or that any higher power at all exists. I would be betraying myself in a major way if I was coerced to say this or agree to this. As much as I don't want to sit in a bar and drink anymore, there really is no other social scene at night in this town available to me other than possibly this sobriety program. But I will never again be pressured to bow to some invisible force that I don't believe in, as I was raised in a extremely abusive religious household. It's one of the reasons I became such a heavy drinker for so long. Does anyone know of any other sobriety programs out there besides AA?
Thank you for sharing, Juantastico. Sending so much support and recognition to you as you navigate early sobriety and seek out kindred community.
While AA works wonders for many, I personally did not follow an AA route of recovery. I did an online program that no longer exists (run by Holly Whitaker) in addition to online programs with Annie Grace (the free version and the paid one): https://thisnakedmind.com/ I also read tons of "quit lit" and listened to sober podcasts. All of that was non-religious.
You might check out The Luckiest Club, by Laura McKowen: https://www.theluckiestclub.com/ You can also find a few agnostic and secular 12-step meetings online at In The Rooms: https://www.intherooms.com/
And...for sober community on Substack, check out this free directory of sober writers: https://danaleighlyons.substack.com/p/sober-substack-addiction-recovery-sobriety
I hope those offer a helpful starting place. Cheering you on!
Thanks Dana for all the suggestions, I'll take a look at them all for sure.
Thank you for sharing this Dana! I had a bit of an easier ride as I got pregnant a few months after quitting alcohol for good AND it was lockdown so nobody noticed! And then once we were out of lockdown I was breastfeeding so it only kind of came up once my son was a few months old, by which point I was over a year sober! So I was very lucky. But I’ve also been so lucky as most people haven’t batted an eyelid, a couple of people were a bit surprised, and it’s sparked lots of great conversations with people sharing how they or family and friends want to cut down. Literally no one has been a dick about - I think I really have been incredibly lucky in that regard. Having said that, I haven’t felt brave enough to have conversations about my previous drinking with friends who knew me in that time and family as I still have a lot of shame about it. I am scared of one day being asked, or having something reflected to me that brings up a lot of shame
That’s so cool, Ellie! I love how you had space to explore early sobriety without pressure or rush to tell everyone...and how folks responded in such beautiful ways when you did share. I so hear you about lingering places of shame. I try to remind myself that if my past didn’t happen, there’s no way I’d be able to empathize with and support others on a similar path. I also remind myself that I’d never shame others for their past and try to extend that same grace to myself. (Some days go better than others, but I find that the practice helps all the same!) ❤️
Yes you’re so right, a big part of me does believe that. And also because there is so much stigma around addiction that it’s hard to be with that level of shame. The other day I was telling a new person about my journey and she said ‘oh… so you were an alcoholic.’ And I just went boiling hot and my heart was racing and it was hard to reply calmly because I just felt like I’d been punched by that label, which for me means wrongness and rejection. It’s hard sometimes to stand strong with inner compassion when society tells us to judge and reject people who struggle with addiction
Oh, I so hear you! Argh. Every once in a while, someone will be speaking to me in person (unaware of my online life, usually) and refer to someone else as an “alcoholic” - nodding their head as though we all know what THAT means. Makes me so heated! Plus, the people who do this often have a harmful relationship with alcohol themselves and don’t even register it (easier to point a finger at some more “extreme” version). And/or they have equally problematic addictions in other areas.
Yes - it’s all part of othering addicts so that we feel safe, ‘oh I’d never do that! I’d never be that bad!’ Rather than finding compassion and commonality. But I am totally guilty of doing this too in other areas!!
So true, and me too :). But I do think at least being aware of what we’re up to makes a world of difference (and I personally didn’t get to that place until getting sober).
Love that, Lady Jane. And yeah, it says a lot about someone if they don’t support someone else’s choice to not drink (whatever the reason). Cheering you on in your sobriety!