This could not have been more on time re: resentment. The steps are great and more than that, I’m thankful to know I’m not alone in slipping back into these re-feelings.
In my lesser moments lately, I’ve felt bitterness/resentment that people around me are drinking like I used to (implying that I can’t/don’t want to anymore). Heard someone say they thought the whole world stopped drinking when they did, and they said that’s a very alcoholic thought. And I laughed out loud when I heard it, because that’s been at the base of some recent resentment.
Josh, I hear ya! What I'm about to say may or may not help, but the truth of this matter is that what other people can or cannot do is none of my business. The ONLY thing I have control over is my thoughts. No one else can change that but me. The more I stay away from thinking about or judging others (and yes, this way of thinking about other people's drinking) IS a judgement) the easier it is for me to find peace inside.
Is it fair that we can't drink and others can? I don't know. All I know is I'm so grateful I don't suffer any longer from what happens to me when I do. Stay in that frame of mind and watch the resentments drift away.
Long story short, it doesn't matter if it's fair or not. It is what it is, which is that today I'm sober. I am grateful for that. What anyone else does with their life is THEIR business, not mine. I'll leave them to it and get on with mine.
This is a great guide to keep on hand! I love the idea of re-feeling—that's what it can feel like to me, too. Boundaries have been a big part of my overcoming (or at least lessening) resentment. It was tough to find the line, especially in early recovery, to where my boundaries were best placed. A lot of times I notice resentment comes from my inability to say "no," or to speak up for myself, so it's an ongoing practice.
Yeah, those are tricky. Am I mad at them? Or myself? And is it really anger I’m feeling? Or is it hurt? Time to be really honest with ourselves, and get to the truth of it. That’s where the healing happens. At least that’s been my experience.
Aug 2·edited Aug 2Liked by Nancy Boyd, Dana Leigh Lyons
I’ve noticed even the most inconsequential things can led to resentment because they’re often pointing to emotional wounds you’ve yet to process. For example, when at my parents’ house, I write in the study. My dad has the most annoying tendency of turning off the lights even when I’ve left the room for only a few minutes. Turning the lights back on is not a huge task but for some reason, it burned me up every time he did this. After discussing it with my sponsor, I realized his actions made me feel inconsequential like I did as a child. His seemingly innocuous behavior triggered my feelings of being overlooked and disregarded.
I reframed the narrative and reminded myself that his actions were not a reflection of my worth or value but his quirky obsession with turning the lights off. Now, I have no reaction to it and can actually laugh at the ridiculousness.
Chandni, this is a wonderful example of how to skillfully shift the energy around things that used to upset us, so that they no longer hold power over us. Isn't it funny how often we take things personally that most of the time have nothing to do with us at all? This is why I advocate doing the inner healing work; when we're free, we don't get upset over the small stuff -- and sometimes even the big stuff.
Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing that story!
Thanks for this post and all the helpful ways to work through resentments. I’ve bern sober over 5 years and have dealt with the worst of my resentments by doing the steps, but resentment is sneaky and I still sometimes get caught up in that old feeling. When it comes to other people’s drinking, I remind myself that I am so grateful that I now have so many better tools to manage my emotions now, that don’t come with hangovers, blackouts and dread! All I can do is feel the feeling and let it pass through me. No more burying or repressing for it to just pop up later. It’s work, but so worthwhile!
VERY HELPFUL!! I'm new to being sober so I try to listen and learn from others who have been dealing with being sober. I'm 3 months sober and I can honestly say that I wouldn't go back to drinking, being silly and loud and black outs for anything. It is very hard because I might think of a Margherita for a split second then realize that I can't drink and that is just the way it is. People don't think I'm being honest but I really am. I was a stupid, silly drunken troll and never want to go back to that way of living. The resentments part is hard because I have quite a few and find myself "refeeling" them and don't know how to get out of that toxic cycle of rethinking all day. This advice helps! I'm so grateful!!
I appreciate this, but it's hard to let go of resentment when crap keeps happening - the very things you need to let go of and move on from keep happening because we live in such a toxic society. I find myself really angry today, triggered, and frustrated at the feeling of powerlessness to influence any real change- people in positions to do something, but they don't. They won't fight for the better ideals that America is.
Wow, I hear you! This kind of triggering situation is exactly where the inner work is for us all. I'm not immune by any means! I get triggered daily too.
The difference now is that I know I'm not a victim even when events trigger my victim button - and I happen to have a very large version of that button.
I can't tell you what you should do. But I can tell you what I do.
I go into the feelings and remind myself that I am now a different person than I was when bad things happened to me before. I'm a very strong woman with tons of tools, effective practices, and healthy people around me. So I reclaim my personal sovereignty first.
I hold my wounded inner child close and let her know she's safe. I can and will protect her. I listen to what's scaring her about the situation, and I let her know that I will do whatever I can to keep her safe no matter what.
I remind myself that I cannot change anyone but me, no matter how much I wish I could.I explore what I *can* change. I ask my guides and higher power to inspire me for right action. I ask for comfort and inner peace. Then I seek and find my inner stillness. In that space I rest and take refuge from the outer world and what it brings.
After that, I usually receive insights about what my relationship to the situation is along with my responsibilities towards it, if any.
So those are the actual steps I take -- my way of processing and thinking about it
After that, I often intuitively know what to do and how to take care of myself and my inner child around it. It's one reason I share hopeful ideas and stories often, because it's a way I can contribute to solutions. I do my best to wake people up, encourage my allies, and inspire right action.
I'm clear that I can only be a messenger and inspirer -- and hope I'm a very good one. I also connect with, align with, and encourage others so that our collective voices are heard and understood and clear and strong. The loudest and ugliest voices hold no more power than we do, and in fact their noise reveals their weakness: they live in fear. We cannot. I won't. And I don't want anyone else to live in fear either because it's not necessary or useful.
I hope this helps. Get right with yourself. Take care of your inner child and inner state. Refresh your spirit. Then link hands and heart with anyone who's doing good work and help them.
That's my plan and it works for me. You might want to try any part of it that resonates with you
P.S. Some days are easier than others. Be kind to yourself when it's hard.
Thanks for sharing this guidance, Nancy! Such an important place of exploration and practice in recovery and beyond.
This could not have been more on time re: resentment. The steps are great and more than that, I’m thankful to know I’m not alone in slipping back into these re-feelings.
In my lesser moments lately, I’ve felt bitterness/resentment that people around me are drinking like I used to (implying that I can’t/don’t want to anymore). Heard someone say they thought the whole world stopped drinking when they did, and they said that’s a very alcoholic thought. And I laughed out loud when I heard it, because that’s been at the base of some recent resentment.
Josh, I hear ya! What I'm about to say may or may not help, but the truth of this matter is that what other people can or cannot do is none of my business. The ONLY thing I have control over is my thoughts. No one else can change that but me. The more I stay away from thinking about or judging others (and yes, this way of thinking about other people's drinking) IS a judgement) the easier it is for me to find peace inside.
Is it fair that we can't drink and others can? I don't know. All I know is I'm so grateful I don't suffer any longer from what happens to me when I do. Stay in that frame of mind and watch the resentments drift away.
Long story short, it doesn't matter if it's fair or not. It is what it is, which is that today I'm sober. I am grateful for that. What anyone else does with their life is THEIR business, not mine. I'll leave them to it and get on with mine.
Hugs, bro. Hand in there!
*hang* in there! (Stupid autocorrect)
Amen!! You took the words right out of my mouth, smart friend.
This is a great guide to keep on hand! I love the idea of re-feeling—that's what it can feel like to me, too. Boundaries have been a big part of my overcoming (or at least lessening) resentment. It was tough to find the line, especially in early recovery, to where my boundaries were best placed. A lot of times I notice resentment comes from my inability to say "no," or to speak up for myself, so it's an ongoing practice.
Yeah, those are tricky. Am I mad at them? Or myself? And is it really anger I’m feeling? Or is it hurt? Time to be really honest with ourselves, and get to the truth of it. That’s where the healing happens. At least that’s been my experience.
I’ve noticed even the most inconsequential things can led to resentment because they’re often pointing to emotional wounds you’ve yet to process. For example, when at my parents’ house, I write in the study. My dad has the most annoying tendency of turning off the lights even when I’ve left the room for only a few minutes. Turning the lights back on is not a huge task but for some reason, it burned me up every time he did this. After discussing it with my sponsor, I realized his actions made me feel inconsequential like I did as a child. His seemingly innocuous behavior triggered my feelings of being overlooked and disregarded.
I reframed the narrative and reminded myself that his actions were not a reflection of my worth or value but his quirky obsession with turning the lights off. Now, I have no reaction to it and can actually laugh at the ridiculousness.
Chandni, this is a wonderful example of how to skillfully shift the energy around things that used to upset us, so that they no longer hold power over us. Isn't it funny how often we take things personally that most of the time have nothing to do with us at all? This is why I advocate doing the inner healing work; when we're free, we don't get upset over the small stuff -- and sometimes even the big stuff.
Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing that story!
Thanks for this post and all the helpful ways to work through resentments. I’ve bern sober over 5 years and have dealt with the worst of my resentments by doing the steps, but resentment is sneaky and I still sometimes get caught up in that old feeling. When it comes to other people’s drinking, I remind myself that I am so grateful that I now have so many better tools to manage my emotions now, that don’t come with hangovers, blackouts and dread! All I can do is feel the feeling and let it pass through me. No more burying or repressing for it to just pop up later. It’s work, but so worthwhile!
Amen, Sister 🙏
Thank you for the advice and steps.
Love the Changing the Channel section Nancy—so good. Thank you 🙏❤️
Glad you found it helpful 🙏
VERY HELPFUL!! I'm new to being sober so I try to listen and learn from others who have been dealing with being sober. I'm 3 months sober and I can honestly say that I wouldn't go back to drinking, being silly and loud and black outs for anything. It is very hard because I might think of a Margherita for a split second then realize that I can't drink and that is just the way it is. People don't think I'm being honest but I really am. I was a stupid, silly drunken troll and never want to go back to that way of living. The resentments part is hard because I have quite a few and find myself "refeeling" them and don't know how to get out of that toxic cycle of rethinking all day. This advice helps! I'm so grateful!!
I appreciate this, but it's hard to let go of resentment when crap keeps happening - the very things you need to let go of and move on from keep happening because we live in such a toxic society. I find myself really angry today, triggered, and frustrated at the feeling of powerlessness to influence any real change- people in positions to do something, but they don't. They won't fight for the better ideals that America is.
Wow, I hear you! This kind of triggering situation is exactly where the inner work is for us all. I'm not immune by any means! I get triggered daily too.
The difference now is that I know I'm not a victim even when events trigger my victim button - and I happen to have a very large version of that button.
I can't tell you what you should do. But I can tell you what I do.
I go into the feelings and remind myself that I am now a different person than I was when bad things happened to me before. I'm a very strong woman with tons of tools, effective practices, and healthy people around me. So I reclaim my personal sovereignty first.
I hold my wounded inner child close and let her know she's safe. I can and will protect her. I listen to what's scaring her about the situation, and I let her know that I will do whatever I can to keep her safe no matter what.
I remind myself that I cannot change anyone but me, no matter how much I wish I could.I explore what I *can* change. I ask my guides and higher power to inspire me for right action. I ask for comfort and inner peace. Then I seek and find my inner stillness. In that space I rest and take refuge from the outer world and what it brings.
After that, I usually receive insights about what my relationship to the situation is along with my responsibilities towards it, if any.
So those are the actual steps I take -- my way of processing and thinking about it
After that, I often intuitively know what to do and how to take care of myself and my inner child around it. It's one reason I share hopeful ideas and stories often, because it's a way I can contribute to solutions. I do my best to wake people up, encourage my allies, and inspire right action.
I'm clear that I can only be a messenger and inspirer -- and hope I'm a very good one. I also connect with, align with, and encourage others so that our collective voices are heard and understood and clear and strong. The loudest and ugliest voices hold no more power than we do, and in fact their noise reveals their weakness: they live in fear. We cannot. I won't. And I don't want anyone else to live in fear either because it's not necessary or useful.
I hope this helps. Get right with yourself. Take care of your inner child and inner state. Refresh your spirit. Then link hands and heart with anyone who's doing good work and help them.
That's my plan and it works for me. You might want to try any part of it that resonates with you
P.S. Some days are easier than others. Be kind to yourself when it's hard.
Amazing work here, to outline this plan for us all. Thank-you! I already see where and how I can utilize this in my life. Appreciate you!
Nancy, you're pro-sobriety too? And you had a fantastic take on the Olympics? Wow, am I glad I found your content. I feel seen ❤️