I Wasn’t Breathing, I Was Drowning

How I stopped drinking and started feeling

After a lifetime of suffering, last year I finally sought treatment and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. That is not a crutch, rather a fact that I’ve avoided and numbed my entire adult life.

I always used alcohol to calm my nerves, when I was feeling emotional or stressed, or if it was Friday, or Saturday (or Tuesday) night. I never bothered to address my underlying disorder, because I never really challenged myself to feel anything.

In my entire adult life, I have only been sober for any length of time during the pregnancy of my two children. Truly, I think without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Their births and little lives have created the most joy I’ve ever experienced, and at the same time, I was terrified of everything. I was worried about sickness for them, illness for me, death and dying, cancer. I was just plain worried all of the time.

I used alcohol as an escape from that worry. The one part of my day when I wasn’t constantly thinking about how everything could go wrong. The one time of day where I felt like I could breathe.

But I wasn’t breathing, I was drowning.

I decided I needed a break from alcohol in January 2024 and did a “Dry January.” At first, I felt great. But then, my anxiety became unbearable. I was having daily panic attacks and was so scared. I also didn’t know if I wanted to give up the one “cure” I’d found, or if I wanted to hold on to the old lifestyle and safe space I developed. So for the next few months, I suffered.

I sought treatment. I sought reprieve from my anxiety. But, I kept drinking. Not as much as before, that’s true. But on the weekends, on vacations, “special occasions.” And every time I woke up, the anxiety was screaming at me. I lost 20 pounds and I was sick. Mentally and physically. And I finally knew I didn’t want to live like that anymore.

In August of 2024, I had drunk 35 times in eight months. That was a huge improvement for me, as I usually hadn’t gone that many days without alcohol before. I finally had my last drink on August 10th, 2024. I woke up hungover and miserable, and I was done. I decided that day, I would not be drinking anymore.

It was not an overnight improvement. I felt high levels of anxiety for several more months, but the important thing was, I felt them. And each day, I knew I was growing stronger, more resilient. I had more trust in myself and found myself more capable. I was taking what I’d learned in therapy and implementing it, and I was doing it sober.

Today, I’m nine months alcohol free. These last two years have been the hardest of my life. But I know I’m on the other side of the darkness now. I finally feel the light.

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A GHOST REMEMBERED

past the withered cattails, ’round a
graveyard, through a wood
there’s a house that’s built on broken dreams
where promises once stood

the shutters hanging crooked
there is rot along the eves
windows shattered, gut(ters) spilling
drunken lies that she believed

if you’re brave enough to enter
if you can hear beyond the screams
you’ll find a version of a woman
who hung herself between the beams

haunted memories chase the shadows
beer and bottles drowned regrets
nights she never will remember
nights she never can forget

there she lived among the haunting
echoes trapped in empty frames
she lied, waste in tattered bedsheets
inhaling atmospheric decay

but she couldn’t stay there in the ruins
pouring poison down her throat
She’s got this token in her pocket,
and her children won’t remember her a ghost

How about you?

We’d love for you to share in the comments:

• Have you ever used alcohol to numb anxiety or avoid emotions bubbling under the surface?

• How has your relationship with your feelings changed since getting sober?

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Laura Catanzano

is a wife, mother, and poet living in New Hampshire. She writes about her recovery from generalized anxiety disorder and her journey to becoming alcohol-free. Through poetry and personal reflection, she hopes to bring light to those navigating their own darkness. You can follow her newsletter at:

The Light Within

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