Oof. I really felt this one, Esther. By the time I quit drinking, I was only drinking alone. There was no community, no belonging, and no relief in that. Thank you for sharing, and huge recognition and celebration of your sobriety. ❤️
It's awful how isolating it becomes isn't it? And yet it is marketed to us as the perfect socialiser! But no, there is no connection, no community, no belonging, no relief.
And even before it becomes that degree of problem that you and I experienced.... when drunk with friends, are people even having any sort of connection? I watch my drunk friends, they're all talking, no one is listening, they're laughing about things that aren't funny, and barely remember it the next day. I see people I used to enjoy talking to when I was drinking and have almost no common ground to talk to them now I am sober, and I suspect that was probably always the case, all we ever had in common was that we were drunk!
Oh, I resonate so much with what you share here, Esther. I also remember how it felt when I first started justifying the drinking alone. I even bought myself a wine glass that said, "It's not drinking alone if your dog is there with you." I tried to joke it all away but underneath, there was nothing funny about it. I was lonely and self-medicating so many emotions I was scared to let out. I'm so grateful for finding sobriety.
This line really hit me: " I’ve spent a lot of that time trying to figure out where I truly belong while learning to belong to myself" Belonging to myself - oooof! That's been the game changer for me, too. I now trust myself in ways I never could before.
Oh, big love to you Allison. It's astonishing, the stories we tell ourselves to convince ourselves that what we're doing is ok, normal even. I used to tell myself it was perfectly ok for me to drink alone because my friends were drinking elsewhere, so I was with them 'in spirit' (pun not intended, ha!)
I'm really enjoying the deepening sense of belonging to myself. Isn't it a shame we have to wait so many years to get to it? I wish 20 something Esther had been able to see that was all she ever had to do!
Oh, I am so glad you are understanding that. It's such a big, hard thing to learn isn't it, that you are enough, perfect even, in your human imperfection?
And rejecting the idea that booze is needed for social acceptance is one of the most radical, self compassionate things we can do for ourselves!
Esther, I related so much with this. As a person in recovery and becoming a new mom through my journey I’ve felt the pangs of loneliness in a way I only knew how to qualm with alcohol or drugs. I thankfully have a community that I turn to in these moments as they come and go with the tides but I remember well when I substituted my community with substances. It didn’t matter if I was in a room full of people, I was deeply alone. That was one of my biggest fears when I started getting sober, I was losing my best friend and confidant even though that same thing had brought me to my knees. I didn’t know how to function in a world without my backup, thankfully the community I fell into was the best substitute filled with love and understanding. Your harping on community is so important because without it I’m lost and my addiction waits for me to come crawling back no matter how much I’ve gained through the process. Thank you for sharing this story and I love hearing the success story you live today!
Oh Kasey, I am sending you so much love for all that you've shared here. That loneliness is so brutal isn't it? And yes, when you have relied on alcohol and drugs to fill that loneliness, it can be so hard to know where else to turn when it strikes. I recognise that feeling of being alone no matter how many people you have around you. The reason I think I prefer being a single mother is that it is easier to deal with the loneliness that arises sometimes when I have put my son to bed and I have no one to discuss my parenting challenges with, than to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel desperately alone in their company all the time.
I'm glad that you found a supportive community that help you navigate your life and ongoing recovery, and have filled that hole with love and understanding. Sometimes that is the most powerful healer of all isn't it? And I hope that you always feel able to turn to them for help when you need it. This has been one of my biggest lessons, recognising that the people who love me would rather I ask for help than struggle alone until I break. A hard lesson to learn, that one.
I've just subscribed to your Substack - you had me at 'the inner workings of a beautiful madwoman'... I can totally relate to that phrase! So I look forward to getting to know you through your words, and I'm sending you so much love across the cyberverse! 💜
Oof. I really felt this one, Esther. By the time I quit drinking, I was only drinking alone. There was no community, no belonging, and no relief in that. Thank you for sharing, and huge recognition and celebration of your sobriety. ❤️
It's awful how isolating it becomes isn't it? And yet it is marketed to us as the perfect socialiser! But no, there is no connection, no community, no belonging, no relief.
And even before it becomes that degree of problem that you and I experienced.... when drunk with friends, are people even having any sort of connection? I watch my drunk friends, they're all talking, no one is listening, they're laughing about things that aren't funny, and barely remember it the next day. I see people I used to enjoy talking to when I was drinking and have almost no common ground to talk to them now I am sober, and I suspect that was probably always the case, all we ever had in common was that we were drunk!
THIS: “they’re all talking, no one is listening.” It’s so obvious, on this side of sobriety.
Oh, I resonate so much with what you share here, Esther. I also remember how it felt when I first started justifying the drinking alone. I even bought myself a wine glass that said, "It's not drinking alone if your dog is there with you." I tried to joke it all away but underneath, there was nothing funny about it. I was lonely and self-medicating so many emotions I was scared to let out. I'm so grateful for finding sobriety.
This line really hit me: " I’ve spent a lot of that time trying to figure out where I truly belong while learning to belong to myself" Belonging to myself - oooof! That's been the game changer for me, too. I now trust myself in ways I never could before.
Great essay!
Oh, big love to you Allison. It's astonishing, the stories we tell ourselves to convince ourselves that what we're doing is ok, normal even. I used to tell myself it was perfectly ok for me to drink alone because my friends were drinking elsewhere, so I was with them 'in spirit' (pun not intended, ha!)
I'm really enjoying the deepening sense of belonging to myself. Isn't it a shame we have to wait so many years to get to it? I wish 20 something Esther had been able to see that was all she ever had to do!
Relate to so much of this and finally realizing I am enough as I am and don’t need booze to be acceptable ❣️ thanks for the wisdom!
Oh, I am so glad you are understanding that. It's such a big, hard thing to learn isn't it, that you are enough, perfect even, in your human imperfection?
And rejecting the idea that booze is needed for social acceptance is one of the most radical, self compassionate things we can do for ourselves!
Sending love to you and all that you are 💜
❤️
Esther, I related so much with this. As a person in recovery and becoming a new mom through my journey I’ve felt the pangs of loneliness in a way I only knew how to qualm with alcohol or drugs. I thankfully have a community that I turn to in these moments as they come and go with the tides but I remember well when I substituted my community with substances. It didn’t matter if I was in a room full of people, I was deeply alone. That was one of my biggest fears when I started getting sober, I was losing my best friend and confidant even though that same thing had brought me to my knees. I didn’t know how to function in a world without my backup, thankfully the community I fell into was the best substitute filled with love and understanding. Your harping on community is so important because without it I’m lost and my addiction waits for me to come crawling back no matter how much I’ve gained through the process. Thank you for sharing this story and I love hearing the success story you live today!
Oh Kasey, I am sending you so much love for all that you've shared here. That loneliness is so brutal isn't it? And yes, when you have relied on alcohol and drugs to fill that loneliness, it can be so hard to know where else to turn when it strikes. I recognise that feeling of being alone no matter how many people you have around you. The reason I think I prefer being a single mother is that it is easier to deal with the loneliness that arises sometimes when I have put my son to bed and I have no one to discuss my parenting challenges with, than to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel desperately alone in their company all the time.
I'm glad that you found a supportive community that help you navigate your life and ongoing recovery, and have filled that hole with love and understanding. Sometimes that is the most powerful healer of all isn't it? And I hope that you always feel able to turn to them for help when you need it. This has been one of my biggest lessons, recognising that the people who love me would rather I ask for help than struggle alone until I break. A hard lesson to learn, that one.
I've just subscribed to your Substack - you had me at 'the inner workings of a beautiful madwoman'... I can totally relate to that phrase! So I look forward to getting to know you through your words, and I'm sending you so much love across the cyberverse! 💜
Thanks so much for being here and sharing, Kasey. ❤️