My Sobriety Story with Julie

“Treat sobriety like a reward—not a punishment.”

This series showcases personal stories of addiction recovery and sobriety. Today’s edition is by

Julie Fontes

. Julie writes a weekly newsletter about being sober from alcohol and other aspects of being human. Currently, she is serializing her quit-lit memoir and also working on backwards cross-pulls at the roller-skating rink. She lives by the sea with her three cats and adult daughter in Ventura, California.

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When and how did you get sober?

I got sober for the last time in August 2022. I had a lot of practice at it before it stuck. I was sober for five years during my daughter’s teens, and dipped back into drinking when I was sober for long enough to believe I was cured of my alcohol problem.

My drinking life ended with what I consider to be a conscious uncoupling. I was moderating my alcohol use well and appeared to have achieved a normal relationship with it, but it left me feeling drained mentally and emotionally. I set a date as the last time I would drink and I haven’t had a drink since.

It helped to read quit lit—especially by Holly Whitaker and Annie Grace—and to dig into the science of how alcohol affects the human brain and body. I shifted my mindset from thinking how sad and sorry that I have to give this up, and instead reminded myself daily of every opportunity for health and mental wellness sobriety opened up for me.

My sister also stopped drinking a month after me, and my brothers-in-law don’t drink, so it helped to have a little sober community at family events where drinking was involved. I also filled my time with activities like tap dancing and running that helped me to feel that I was coming back into my body.

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What surprised you about getting sober?

It surprised me that drinking had made me complacent about my dreams. It dulled the mind and emotions just enough to accept my reality as it was, and let me fool myself into thinking any kind of ambition for something different was just the capitalism in me and not the deep desires that I had almost snuffed.

I wanted to be a writer since I was a kid, and alcohol was one of the things I used to kill that dream. I resigned myself to the belief that it was childish to pursue any kind of artistic career. I told myself it was okay to not strive and that a career of waiting tables was the noble and right trajectory of my life. I believed that it was okay to be in a toxic relationship as long as I had someone to grow old with.

What I didn’t expect was that these things would be revealed, not through sobriety creating an instant happiness, but through actually feeling the unfiltered pain of my own wasted potential. Now it feels like I’m using my writing to slay alcohol.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve encountered on your recovery journey?

The biggest challenge has been to face the things about my life that the drink was hiding, like people that weren’t good for me or habits that didn’t fit. I had to let go of someone I loved because our partnership didn’t work without the alcohol there as a salve.

Even though I consider myself an introvert, I still get FOMO knowing that my friends aren’t going to invite me out sometimes. I’ve had to accept that parties are great as a concept, but in practice, I don’t like being in loud places with a lot of people. Trying to talk in a raucous environment kind of stresses me out. I can see that’s why my heaviest drinking was done at bars and clubs. I needed to numb the sensory overload.

So, the task that I still struggle with in sobriety is finding places to socialize. I have to be creative, but that is what makes it fun. I also struggle with part of my job being selling alcohol, and sometimes pushing guests to buy more. It feels out of alignment with my beliefs, but alcohol sales are a big portion of my income.

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What are the biggest benefits or gifts of sobriety?

The biggest gift of sobriety is the clarity I have about my goals and the pride I take in knowing that I’m in control, where I’m going to wake up, that if my daughter or one of my family members needs me at 11 at night, I will have the capacity and cognition to be a safe and rational person who can operate heavy machinery, hold a baby, make a quesadilla—whatever anyone needs. I’ll be clear-headed and ready to step into action. I don’t have to worry that I’m going to step on a kitten, or fall over a balcony railing. I know that if I wake up sick, it won’t be accompanied by moral judgment about myself.

Most of all, I know that my kid is still watching how I navigate life even if she’s an adult herself. Self-care is an aspect of caring for others. I want her to watch me grow old with grace rather than deteriorate mentally and physically in the way that the alcohol would have me do. 

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What words of advice would you give someone who’s considering sobriety or newly sober?

I don’t like to give advice because everyone is different, and I shy away from clichés. I would say that if someone is questioning their relationship with alcohol that they should just try not drinking it for a while. Give it a couple of months.

See how it feels, but treat it like a gift that you’re giving yourself. Sign up for a class. Play pickleball. Start painting. Create a business plan. Meditate. Go to therapy. Get massages. Go for hikes. Plant flowers in your garden. Take a pole dancing class. Take a pottery class. Join a writing group. Join a church. Save all the money you would have spent on alcohol and take a vacation. Don’t beat yourself up. Watch a stand-up comedian. Join a support group.

There’s no one right way to get sober other than not drinking. Don’t take anyone else’s words of the way you have to do sobriety as gospel—not even mine. I feel like it’s such a personal thing and can feel like going against the grain in such a major way, but do seek out the friendship of like-minded people. Do get in touch with the things you liked to do before you started drinking.

Treat sobriety like a reward—not a punishment. You don’t have to be sober. You get to be sober.

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Want to share your sobriety story?

Thank you for sharing, Julie! We look forward to reading more of your writing over at

Like a Normal Person

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