As a straight-A junkie who’s still hooked on external validation, this feels so familiar, Rosemary. I love the questions you use as a compass and guide.
Since getting sober and bringing more awareness and accountability to my patterns, I regularly ask myself: What’s my real agenda here? What am I really up to? Are my actions (or planned actions) skillful, or not so much?
Thanks, Dana. "Straight A junkie." Yup, that sums up my years in education. I like your questions, too. I find I must regularly check in with myself as to my motivation or manipulations. Thanks for letting me share here. I appreciate you and this space!
Rosemary - oh have I been here, all twisted up like a pretzel to please others. And get praise for a job well done. I wish I could say I don’t do that anymore. But I slide back there often. The self-awareness helps, though. I think we catch ourselves dipping a toe back in and can take a beat and assess. I love the examples and exercises you provide here. So helpful!
Thank you for your honesty, here. I am certain your story will help so many meet their own little perfectionist selves with compassion and grace.
Thank you so much, fellow people pleasing pretzel. :) Progress, not perfection, right? I still people please WAY more than I would like, but I feel myself improving every day.
Rosemary - thank you so much for sharing your story - ALL of this resonated with me! I was exactly the same at school; my identity and self-worth was dependent on getting top marks. And as an adult I really struggle with the idea of doing things imperfectly and even of accepting that I am a normal, unremarkable human i.e. that I don't need to be extraordinary to be worthy of love. I am in awe of your wisdom and how much you have learned about yourself, and how that has helped your recovery. The experience you had, and are still having, with your daughter sounds really tough - sending you both so much compassion and a wish for healing for you both.
Thank you for sharing both your kind words and your resonance, Ellie. I appreciate you.
I think so many of us share this perfectionist gene. I resonate with your thoughts of needing to be extraordinary and having trouble accepting that we are worthy simply by our inherent worth and by being on this planet-SO hard to accept this for myself, yet I grant it to others easily.
Bery beautifully written Rosemary. The naked, truthful, vulnerability of so many writers is a deeply humbling and beautiful experience here in substack. Your post leads to the question, Where does the need to please come from? Is the answer that we did not receive love as children, and that approval was its proxy? Does the absence of unconditional love leave an adult with a leaking bucket of need to be constantly filled. If so how do we break the cycle? Or am I totally off track?
Right? Where *does* this need come from, indeed? I wonder this too, Jerry. I felt very loved as a child. I feel some of us are just born with brains that question our worth and thus need to continually earn or prove it. Thanks for you kind words, I appreciate you, Jerry.
Wow. I was the same in school. The only time in my childhood that I felt like I mattered, was when I was getting the validation from teachers and seeing those high marks—being top of the class. I remember being upset with myself when I would "only" score 100% if there were bonus marks available and I could've gotten 102%.
That girl still lives within me, but through my recovery journey I've learned to talk to her with compassion and give her the support she needs (and didn't get in the past). I've noticed those tendencies popping up recently, and reading your words came at exactly the right time. Thank you, Rosemary!
Oh, man, I feel your "only" 100%. Yes, same for me too. I liked 100s, but 110s were better! I resonate with you that this girl still lives within you, but you now are able to give her support through compassion and self talk. I am so glad my words came at the right time for you, Kaitlyn. Sending love <3
I am glad you can relate, though I am kind of sorry you can relate. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and especially for offering a book rec. I am going to check it out! appreciate you, Tawny.
As a straight-A junkie who’s still hooked on external validation, this feels so familiar, Rosemary. I love the questions you use as a compass and guide.
Since getting sober and bringing more awareness and accountability to my patterns, I regularly ask myself: What’s my real agenda here? What am I really up to? Are my actions (or planned actions) skillful, or not so much?
Thanks, Dana. "Straight A junkie." Yup, that sums up my years in education. I like your questions, too. I find I must regularly check in with myself as to my motivation or manipulations. Thanks for letting me share here. I appreciate you and this space!
Rosemary - oh have I been here, all twisted up like a pretzel to please others. And get praise for a job well done. I wish I could say I don’t do that anymore. But I slide back there often. The self-awareness helps, though. I think we catch ourselves dipping a toe back in and can take a beat and assess. I love the examples and exercises you provide here. So helpful!
Thank you for your honesty, here. I am certain your story will help so many meet their own little perfectionist selves with compassion and grace.
💕💕💕💕
Thank you so much, fellow people pleasing pretzel. :) Progress, not perfection, right? I still people please WAY more than I would like, but I feel myself improving every day.
Love this so much thank you for sharing
Thanks so much, Natalie.
Rosemary - thank you so much for sharing your story - ALL of this resonated with me! I was exactly the same at school; my identity and self-worth was dependent on getting top marks. And as an adult I really struggle with the idea of doing things imperfectly and even of accepting that I am a normal, unremarkable human i.e. that I don't need to be extraordinary to be worthy of love. I am in awe of your wisdom and how much you have learned about yourself, and how that has helped your recovery. The experience you had, and are still having, with your daughter sounds really tough - sending you both so much compassion and a wish for healing for you both.
Thank you for sharing both your kind words and your resonance, Ellie. I appreciate you.
I think so many of us share this perfectionist gene. I resonate with your thoughts of needing to be extraordinary and having trouble accepting that we are worthy simply by our inherent worth and by being on this planet-SO hard to accept this for myself, yet I grant it to others easily.
Bery beautifully written Rosemary. The naked, truthful, vulnerability of so many writers is a deeply humbling and beautiful experience here in substack. Your post leads to the question, Where does the need to please come from? Is the answer that we did not receive love as children, and that approval was its proxy? Does the absence of unconditional love leave an adult with a leaking bucket of need to be constantly filled. If so how do we break the cycle? Or am I totally off track?
Right? Where *does* this need come from, indeed? I wonder this too, Jerry. I felt very loved as a child. I feel some of us are just born with brains that question our worth and thus need to continually earn or prove it. Thanks for you kind words, I appreciate you, Jerry.
Thank you Rosemary. Indeed perhaps its just a deep seated need.
Wow. I was the same in school. The only time in my childhood that I felt like I mattered, was when I was getting the validation from teachers and seeing those high marks—being top of the class. I remember being upset with myself when I would "only" score 100% if there were bonus marks available and I could've gotten 102%.
That girl still lives within me, but through my recovery journey I've learned to talk to her with compassion and give her the support she needs (and didn't get in the past). I've noticed those tendencies popping up recently, and reading your words came at exactly the right time. Thank you, Rosemary!
Oh, man, I feel your "only" 100%. Yes, same for me too. I liked 100s, but 110s were better! I resonate with you that this girl still lives within you, but you now are able to give her support through compassion and self talk. I am so glad my words came at the right time for you, Kaitlyn. Sending love <3
I relate to every single word of this. Perfectionism is also deeply tied into my work addiction.
Book Rec: A Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control helped *a lot.*
Sending love your way!
I am glad you can relate, though I am kind of sorry you can relate. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and especially for offering a book rec. I am going to check it out! appreciate you, Tawny.