Thank you for sharing, Kelly, and huge recognition for finding and expressing your voice, your rage, your courage.
Interestingly, I found that some of my biggest sources of rage dissolved after getting sober. There’s still a lot of grief and fear underneath, but I prefer that to anger. It’s given me more space and capacity to forgive and change. It’s fascinating how alike yet different the paths are that we each walk on this human journey.
Thank you, Dana! Honored. Alike yet different, yes and the common bond we all share, the intersection where we find each other so rewarding. I’m grateful.
I wasn't allowed to feel rage for so long--was punished for it. So I was afraid of it. And it was only when I touched my rage for the first time that I also touched my sensuality and then my sexuality. It opened the door to living for me. Breaking the pattern of snuffing the rage is still ongoing, but I am myself because of it, pain and all. Thanks for this (re)post.
I also grew up in a troubled family embedded deeply in White Evangelical culture. I too was the scapegoat and grew up thinking something was wrong with me----something that was hammered home at church, which we attended at least three-four times a week.I can relate so well to everything you wrote here. Thank you so much!
Great write and being sober opens up a can of worms that have been trapped forever...every emotion we have comes out in our sober scenarios, including anger and rage which stems from fear, we can get scared when upcoming emotions show themselves in situations that arise when we are sober, we haven't dealt with them before because we've always numbed them under alcohol so dealing with them sober is a whole new ball game, like a whole new you..yes emotions come out that we never new we had, it's a whole new way of life but a very rewarding one as our eyes are open to everything we could never see before ( or didn't want to ) some of that can be emotionally challenging to say the least but it's real living and not kidding yourself on, not hiding and taking responsability for yourself in your life.
OMG! Kelly, I can relate on so many levels. Was doing the 12 steps and sober for five years - relapsed and continued drinking for the next twelve years. Think Dr. Smith from Lost in Space, "Oh, the pain. The pain." Finally got sober again from A&D's in 2009. Many "rage" moments since then. But handled differently than when drinking. Thanks for sharing such a well written piece.
Your story is a testament Ms. Kelly of monumental achievement - endurance - persistence and never giving up the fight for the light - Ty for sharing so transparently. I always get a lot from your posts.
“Slowbriety” for me started in 2018!and I’m still coming out of the fog in ways and was still feeling pain in my heart and soul that just wouldn’t shut off.
Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Insecurity and nervous system dysregulation had me by the tail. I too am family scapegoat - and a “corporate captive” for 30 years. I sought work in the Recovery field after treatment and loved it from 2019-2022. Those positions taught me so much but didn’t last due to grants and COVID and left me grasping to get at the root of my anguish, suffering and continued dysfunction. My friends were speechless and helpless as to what to say to me given my mental and emotional and spiritual state- I was scared and wondered what would happen to me - outbursts, job instability, not knowing who I am or what I needed or anything really - and apathetic that I felt I had tried everything and there was just no fixing this - I really had given up. Then, a few months ago, a sober sister sent me Ms. Rebecca Mandeville’s book, “REJECTED, SHAMED and BLAMED” and I read it in a day. I was finally able to connect the dots and identify where the flood of pain I was in kept flowing from: Family Scapegoating Abuse. After years and years - I understood what happened to me and why I couldn’t cope and got to where I did.
I didn’t do anything wrong - I was not the cause of all the family problems! There is pathology and psychology and generational trauma and epigenetics,and lots and lots of people who know all about this and who have recovered and are sharing how. And there are many of us - and I don’t have to sit in shame another minute. I could surrender and was going to help myself find a way out of the hole to find my yellow brick road - I’m not there yet - but I know where I’m going now because of Rebecca’s book and everything I’ve learned - Gabor Mate on Trauma and other childhood experiences like CEN Childhood Emotional Neglect, ACE - Adverse Childhood Events, Internal Family Systems, Inner Child Work and more. The resources are out there and the tribe exists - I am learning I’m worthy and safe and accept who I am and what I became from being a 🎯 target - accepting it as barbaric monstrous and though I forgive them, I will shout from the rooftops VICTORY not victim//BETTER not bitter//and FREEDOM to Recover ME finally Amen
Whew. Your piece touched many raw nerves in me and made me cry. Several times,actually. This last July I witnessed a gruesome accident at my post office and it shook me to my core. What enraged me was the absolute indifference of people at a restaurant casually eating and chatting as if nothing had occurred. It woke up a rage in me I’d buried so deep as a kid. I’m enraged at the injustice of my childhood and the dismissal of my humanness- yes, I’m the scapegoat and brainwashed by religion as well. I’m feeling rage at earth at this point and I’m not sure exactly where this will all lead me. I too am a writer of sorts and withhold sharing out of fear. I feel like I’m at that fork in the road to keep myself in quiet exile or to finally let it all out. All I know for today is that your truth rings so true for me and I thank you.
Heartline, Jaye. The injustice is so tough to “swallow” so don’t!! I focus on acceptance of it - not resignation but to acknowledge it fully and to channel my rage in the direction of my passion instead of my downfall - put those words on the page! You don’t always have to share it but write it down uncensored. Keep going. As a scapegoat you have new gifts for this world and we need you.Let that fire burn on behalf of your healing and let it empower you to stand up. ❤️🔥
"Recovery became uncovery, peeling back layers of old beliefs and unconscious patterns. I learned that awakening isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing process of expanded awareness." How beautiful and humble is this---I am so grateful for your voice-not just for me, but for all women, who I believe struggle with rage in a world that silences our voices (and our desires) Could it be that the world would prefer us to be silent by any means? Alcohol? Drugs? Addiction, or .....fill-in-the- blanks. We are much less dangerous when we aren't in touch with our rage and our desire. Your courage uncovers the systems that impose silence on us and gives permission to all of us to speak up. Thank you.
The layers of rage are so real, and as much as I try to embrace my anger, it’s so much bigger than I ever expected.
I absolutely adore what you wrote here! Allowing our rage to burn everything to the ground so we can become exactly exactly what we’re meant to become is the path! I totally agree!!
Thank you, Melissa! That pure rage brought me to my passion and purpose and it's why I'm here today on Substack sharing my experience and celebrating 1000 readers today! Here's to the next one thousand and thank you all for having the couRAGE to walk beside me.
Thank you for sharing, Kelly, and huge recognition for finding and expressing your voice, your rage, your courage.
Interestingly, I found that some of my biggest sources of rage dissolved after getting sober. There’s still a lot of grief and fear underneath, but I prefer that to anger. It’s given me more space and capacity to forgive and change. It’s fascinating how alike yet different the paths are that we each walk on this human journey.
Thank you, Dana! Honored. Alike yet different, yes and the common bond we all share, the intersection where we find each other so rewarding. I’m grateful.
I wasn't allowed to feel rage for so long--was punished for it. So I was afraid of it. And it was only when I touched my rage for the first time that I also touched my sensuality and then my sexuality. It opened the door to living for me. Breaking the pattern of snuffing the rage is still ongoing, but I am myself because of it, pain and all. Thanks for this (re)post.
Omg this got me - oof Shawna! Straight to our life force! I could stop dying at last and start living…🌻🌻🌻
I also grew up in a troubled family embedded deeply in White Evangelical culture. I too was the scapegoat and grew up thinking something was wrong with me----something that was hammered home at church, which we attended at least three-four times a week.I can relate so well to everything you wrote here. Thank you so much!
No words for what how much this comment means to me. Thank you. Imagine! We were walking beside each other all along. We were never alone.
Thanks for sharing about your emotional recovery.
Thank you, Paul. Yes to emotional recovery!
Great write and being sober opens up a can of worms that have been trapped forever...every emotion we have comes out in our sober scenarios, including anger and rage which stems from fear, we can get scared when upcoming emotions show themselves in situations that arise when we are sober, we haven't dealt with them before because we've always numbed them under alcohol so dealing with them sober is a whole new ball game, like a whole new you..yes emotions come out that we never new we had, it's a whole new way of life but a very rewarding one as our eyes are open to everything we could never see before ( or didn't want to ) some of that can be emotionally challenging to say the least but it's real living and not kidding yourself on, not hiding and taking responsability for yourself in your life.
Thank you Liz! Truer words! It's a gold mine, isn't it? ;)
OMG! Kelly, I can relate on so many levels. Was doing the 12 steps and sober for five years - relapsed and continued drinking for the next twelve years. Think Dr. Smith from Lost in Space, "Oh, the pain. The pain." Finally got sober again from A&D's in 2009. Many "rage" moments since then. But handled differently than when drinking. Thanks for sharing such a well written piece.
So glad you’re here, Mike! “The pain the pain” 😆 thank goddess you’re back!
Thank you
Your story is a testament Ms. Kelly of monumental achievement - endurance - persistence and never giving up the fight for the light - Ty for sharing so transparently. I always get a lot from your posts.
“Slowbriety” for me started in 2018!and I’m still coming out of the fog in ways and was still feeling pain in my heart and soul that just wouldn’t shut off.
Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Insecurity and nervous system dysregulation had me by the tail. I too am family scapegoat - and a “corporate captive” for 30 years. I sought work in the Recovery field after treatment and loved it from 2019-2022. Those positions taught me so much but didn’t last due to grants and COVID and left me grasping to get at the root of my anguish, suffering and continued dysfunction. My friends were speechless and helpless as to what to say to me given my mental and emotional and spiritual state- I was scared and wondered what would happen to me - outbursts, job instability, not knowing who I am or what I needed or anything really - and apathetic that I felt I had tried everything and there was just no fixing this - I really had given up. Then, a few months ago, a sober sister sent me Ms. Rebecca Mandeville’s book, “REJECTED, SHAMED and BLAMED” and I read it in a day. I was finally able to connect the dots and identify where the flood of pain I was in kept flowing from: Family Scapegoating Abuse. After years and years - I understood what happened to me and why I couldn’t cope and got to where I did.
I didn’t do anything wrong - I was not the cause of all the family problems! There is pathology and psychology and generational trauma and epigenetics,and lots and lots of people who know all about this and who have recovered and are sharing how. And there are many of us - and I don’t have to sit in shame another minute. I could surrender and was going to help myself find a way out of the hole to find my yellow brick road - I’m not there yet - but I know where I’m going now because of Rebecca’s book and everything I’ve learned - Gabor Mate on Trauma and other childhood experiences like CEN Childhood Emotional Neglect, ACE - Adverse Childhood Events, Internal Family Systems, Inner Child Work and more. The resources are out there and the tribe exists - I am learning I’m worthy and safe and accept who I am and what I became from being a 🎯 target - accepting it as barbaric monstrous and though I forgive them, I will shout from the rooftops VICTORY not victim//BETTER not bitter//and FREEDOM to Recover ME finally Amen
SOLIDARITY Mosis!!!! Gahhhhh I love you and this comment to the MOOOOOOON! ⚡️⚡️⚡️🌈🌈🌈❤️🔥
Kelly,
Whew. Your piece touched many raw nerves in me and made me cry. Several times,actually. This last July I witnessed a gruesome accident at my post office and it shook me to my core. What enraged me was the absolute indifference of people at a restaurant casually eating and chatting as if nothing had occurred. It woke up a rage in me I’d buried so deep as a kid. I’m enraged at the injustice of my childhood and the dismissal of my humanness- yes, I’m the scapegoat and brainwashed by religion as well. I’m feeling rage at earth at this point and I’m not sure exactly where this will all lead me. I too am a writer of sorts and withhold sharing out of fear. I feel like I’m at that fork in the road to keep myself in quiet exile or to finally let it all out. All I know for today is that your truth rings so true for me and I thank you.
Heartline, Jaye. The injustice is so tough to “swallow” so don’t!! I focus on acceptance of it - not resignation but to acknowledge it fully and to channel my rage in the direction of my passion instead of my downfall - put those words on the page! You don’t always have to share it but write it down uncensored. Keep going. As a scapegoat you have new gifts for this world and we need you.Let that fire burn on behalf of your healing and let it empower you to stand up. ❤️🔥
Kelly, such kind words…perhaps I’ll post a poem soon. You’ve inspired me to dip a toe in.
Do it! Feet first. 🏊♀️
Thanks for sharing Kelly! Beautifully written.
"Recovery became uncovery, peeling back layers of old beliefs and unconscious patterns. I learned that awakening isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing process of expanded awareness." How beautiful and humble is this---I am so grateful for your voice-not just for me, but for all women, who I believe struggle with rage in a world that silences our voices (and our desires) Could it be that the world would prefer us to be silent by any means? Alcohol? Drugs? Addiction, or .....fill-in-the- blanks. We are much less dangerous when we aren't in touch with our rage and our desire. Your courage uncovers the systems that impose silence on us and gives permission to all of us to speak up. Thank you.
Story Carrier!!!! Gahhhhh —-you nailed it! 🔥🔥🔥☄️
This is EXACTLY what I needed today, Kelly!!
The layers of rage are so real, and as much as I try to embrace my anger, it’s so much bigger than I ever expected.
I absolutely adore what you wrote here! Allowing our rage to burn everything to the ground so we can become exactly exactly what we’re meant to become is the path! I totally agree!!
Glad to be walking the path of couRAGE with you!
Thank you, Melissa! That pure rage brought me to my passion and purpose and it's why I'm here today on Substack sharing my experience and celebrating 1000 readers today! Here's to the next one thousand and thank you all for having the couRAGE to walk beside me.
Great insights.
I think you'll really resonate with my next book, which talks a lot about skapegoating in family of origin! So relatable for so many of us.
Oooh looking forward to it Deborah!