This is such a courageous, beautiful, inspiring share, Kaitlyn. Similar to you, I never hit an obvious rock bottom with alcohol - and yet, it still took far too much.
Apr 22Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
The part that I strongly relate to is the "vacations and wedding" stage. It's where I am right now and it feels like such a deep self-betrayal. Because I am only doing it to accommodate others - oh, you don't have to be final about it; oh, but it is so fun to have a drink on a special occasion, etc. And every single special occasion drink feels like a little compromise that shows me, yet again, how willing I am to lose bits of myself in order to be agreeable.
Apr 22Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
I loved this so much, Kaitlyn. It got a bit dusty while I was reading 🥹
You describe so perfectly the homecoming that takes place when sobriety enters the picture. A return to self.
My story was different. Mine wasn’t a whisper. It was more of an internal siren call screeching, “you cannot continue like this”.
Yet - I feel such resonance with your words. I also feel that your words here/your story offers SO MUCH MORE than the rock bottom stories most expect when we speak about getting sober. Because if more people speak up about their own whispers like you do here and if more people do the self examination that lands in our laps when we truly look at why/when/how we drink - there will be so much healing. So much.
Apr 23Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
“Even then, I knew that wasn’t my truth. It was the truth I felt everyone else would understand.”
I’ve re read this 10 times. It is applicable to so much in the journey of getting back to yourself. Only now with the gift of perspective can I see how this has shown up for me in sobriety and so many areas other than drinking. What if this is a way that we are able to dip our toe into something that is terrifying? A way to protect ourselves from the outside but also the yeller inside? Just a stepping stone to what is true, before we are ready to admit or accept our truth, whatever that maybe.
What a line Kaitlyn! So much there to think about. This was a heart stinging piece that I shared immediately. Thank you for sharing!! ♥️
Amy, your words mean a great deal to me. I’m so happy to hear that passage resonated. That is the thing that came to me new while writing this actually so the fact that you pulled that one out is very special. Like Dana, that imagery of a stepping stone really fits. Thank you 💛
Apr 23Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
What a beautiful story. I appreciate your path and the recognition of your ability to know yourself deeply…and listen to the whisper. A lot of times we don’t listen until what I now refer to as the Mack truck moment, yet the whispers may be the most powerful.
Without alcohol…my life is just better. I don’t know any other way to describe it.
Apr 23Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
Great post Kaitlyn. I never really had a problem with alcohol but I started to hate the fogginess it created in my system. Giving it up has given me back clarity, presence and the capacity to hear myself on a much deeper level. Occasionally I miss it as a social lubricant but really there is no contest...
I feel you on that last part. The duality of missing it as a function it served and as you say, “really there is not contest” Thank you for taking the time to read and share.
Apr 22Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
I appreciate the subtlety in your experience and how if you hadn’t really developed a closer relationship with yourself, you could have missed this important message she had for you. Love your writing, always.
Apr 22Liked by Dana Leigh Lyons, Kaitlyn Elizabeth
I got clean thirteen years ago, and I still believe getting sober saved my life. Not just physically (because my body was trashed and broken from years of poisoning myself) but also sobriety saved my life on an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level. I am able to go through life by being more fully present in the moment, awake and aware of my surroundings, feeling acutely alive. Life is precious and short; I don’t want to waste my brief time here in a dark haze of drunken oblivion. The way you spoke about how addiction tends to control us, and we are not actually free until we break free from the invisible cage of addiction, that idea resonated with me deeply. About the Mate questions: for me, addiction made me feel safe, like a warm blanket that protected me from the pain of the outside world. The irony of this was not lost to me, because using alcohol was the exact opposite of being safe. But I believe that’s the quality I had lost as a child. Craving alcohol gave me a false sense of safety, temporarily detached from my immediate suffering, the pain numbed, the cozy embrace of a toxic substance keeping me supposedly safe from the dangers of the outside world. When was a sense of safety originally lost for me? Way back, as a child, I experienced various early childhood traumas. Using substances felt like a way to go back in time, to return to being that young kid before the bad things happened, clutching onto her drink glass like a metaphorical security blanket for some small comfort. How do I find safety now that I do not use substances as a crutch? Oddly enough, when I finally stopped using, I started to feel more secure, more in tune with myself, safer than ever before. I feel free. Thank you for writing about such an important, life saving topic. Your words fill me empathy and compassion for everyone who has suffered in addiction. Your story is full of crucial insights and shows a deep love for this world.
Jessica, those reflections on those questions are so thoughtful—and honestly, resonant for me personally too. I recently had a thought about something I would have done drunk that I wouldn’t do now because it’s beyond my threshold for safety, and yet it was way more unsafe then, I just couldn’t feel that at the time.
And I feel you on that security and safety that comes in sobriety. It fills my eyes with tears just to type that now.
Thank you for sharing how this landed for you. It moved me, deeply.
Love this and relate to so much, Kaitlyn! I've had many "sober stints" over the last 10 years — all where I cycled through so much of what you shared above about your initial questioning. I haven't had a drink in four months (and hadn't drank for two months prior to my one last "but it's my birthday!" drink four months ago), and I finally feel so settled and content in this new way of living with all of me, as all of me. Not perfect, like you said, but so much more whole!
Mmmm. I love that articulation, "Not perfect, but so much more whole!" Thank you for reading and sharing your experience with this. I find the more I talk about this, the more I hear people echoing similar feelings.
This is such a courageous, beautiful, inspiring share, Kaitlyn. Similar to you, I never hit an obvious rock bottom with alcohol - and yet, it still took far too much.
Thank you for making the space you do. As I’ve told you before, it’s helped me find new elements of this experience, new thoughts. 🙏🏼
The part that I strongly relate to is the "vacations and wedding" stage. It's where I am right now and it feels like such a deep self-betrayal. Because I am only doing it to accommodate others - oh, you don't have to be final about it; oh, but it is so fun to have a drink on a special occasion, etc. And every single special occasion drink feels like a little compromise that shows me, yet again, how willing I am to lose bits of myself in order to be agreeable.
I feel this so deeply. Thank you for sharing you connected with that piece of it. 💛
So much recognition for your capacity and courage in examining these things, Petya. That already sets helpful shifts in motion, I find.
I loved this so much, Kaitlyn. It got a bit dusty while I was reading 🥹
You describe so perfectly the homecoming that takes place when sobriety enters the picture. A return to self.
My story was different. Mine wasn’t a whisper. It was more of an internal siren call screeching, “you cannot continue like this”.
Yet - I feel such resonance with your words. I also feel that your words here/your story offers SO MUCH MORE than the rock bottom stories most expect when we speak about getting sober. Because if more people speak up about their own whispers like you do here and if more people do the self examination that lands in our laps when we truly look at why/when/how we drink - there will be so much healing. So much.
Thank you, Kaitlyn 🫶
I’m misty over here, too 🥹
Thank you for your words. I’m so glad you have a screecher in you that loves you that much. Enough to screech 💕
“Even then, I knew that wasn’t my truth. It was the truth I felt everyone else would understand.”
I’ve re read this 10 times. It is applicable to so much in the journey of getting back to yourself. Only now with the gift of perspective can I see how this has shown up for me in sobriety and so many areas other than drinking. What if this is a way that we are able to dip our toe into something that is terrifying? A way to protect ourselves from the outside but also the yeller inside? Just a stepping stone to what is true, before we are ready to admit or accept our truth, whatever that maybe.
What a line Kaitlyn! So much there to think about. This was a heart stinging piece that I shared immediately. Thank you for sharing!! ♥️
I love this, Amy: "Just a stepping stone to what is true, before we are ready to admit or accept our truth, whatever that maybe." Thank you. ❤️
Amy, your words mean a great deal to me. I’m so happy to hear that passage resonated. That is the thing that came to me new while writing this actually so the fact that you pulled that one out is very special. Like Dana, that imagery of a stepping stone really fits. Thank you 💛
What a beautiful story. I appreciate your path and the recognition of your ability to know yourself deeply…and listen to the whisper. A lot of times we don’t listen until what I now refer to as the Mack truck moment, yet the whispers may be the most powerful.
Without alcohol…my life is just better. I don’t know any other way to describe it.
Love you sister and I see you 🤍
I should also say…thank you for sharing your story and being an inspiration to me and everyone around you.
Thank you for always being such a support for me. I’m very grateful for you and so glad you’ve found that feeling, too 💕
Great post Kaitlyn. I never really had a problem with alcohol but I started to hate the fogginess it created in my system. Giving it up has given me back clarity, presence and the capacity to hear myself on a much deeper level. Occasionally I miss it as a social lubricant but really there is no contest...
I feel you on that last part. The duality of missing it as a function it served and as you say, “really there is not contest” Thank you for taking the time to read and share.
I appreciate the subtlety in your experience and how if you hadn’t really developed a closer relationship with yourself, you could have missed this important message she had for you. Love your writing, always.
💚💚 Thank you for reading and your kindness, pony. Couldn’t have heard her so well if I didn’t have you.
I got clean thirteen years ago, and I still believe getting sober saved my life. Not just physically (because my body was trashed and broken from years of poisoning myself) but also sobriety saved my life on an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level. I am able to go through life by being more fully present in the moment, awake and aware of my surroundings, feeling acutely alive. Life is precious and short; I don’t want to waste my brief time here in a dark haze of drunken oblivion. The way you spoke about how addiction tends to control us, and we are not actually free until we break free from the invisible cage of addiction, that idea resonated with me deeply. About the Mate questions: for me, addiction made me feel safe, like a warm blanket that protected me from the pain of the outside world. The irony of this was not lost to me, because using alcohol was the exact opposite of being safe. But I believe that’s the quality I had lost as a child. Craving alcohol gave me a false sense of safety, temporarily detached from my immediate suffering, the pain numbed, the cozy embrace of a toxic substance keeping me supposedly safe from the dangers of the outside world. When was a sense of safety originally lost for me? Way back, as a child, I experienced various early childhood traumas. Using substances felt like a way to go back in time, to return to being that young kid before the bad things happened, clutching onto her drink glass like a metaphorical security blanket for some small comfort. How do I find safety now that I do not use substances as a crutch? Oddly enough, when I finally stopped using, I started to feel more secure, more in tune with myself, safer than ever before. I feel free. Thank you for writing about such an important, life saving topic. Your words fill me empathy and compassion for everyone who has suffered in addiction. Your story is full of crucial insights and shows a deep love for this world.
Jessica, those reflections on those questions are so thoughtful—and honestly, resonant for me personally too. I recently had a thought about something I would have done drunk that I wouldn’t do now because it’s beyond my threshold for safety, and yet it was way more unsafe then, I just couldn’t feel that at the time.
And I feel you on that security and safety that comes in sobriety. It fills my eyes with tears just to type that now.
Thank you for sharing how this landed for you. It moved me, deeply.
Thanks so much for sharing. A therapist as well… I get the learning from clients. Hope to connect with you more.
Yes I would love that!!
Love this and relate to so much, Kaitlyn! I've had many "sober stints" over the last 10 years — all where I cycled through so much of what you shared above about your initial questioning. I haven't had a drink in four months (and hadn't drank for two months prior to my one last "but it's my birthday!" drink four months ago), and I finally feel so settled and content in this new way of living with all of me, as all of me. Not perfect, like you said, but so much more whole!
Mmmm. I love that articulation, "Not perfect, but so much more whole!" Thank you for reading and sharing your experience with this. I find the more I talk about this, the more I hear people echoing similar feelings.