What to Expect When Getting Sober
How to overcome challenges and receive life-changing rewards
I had a love affair with alcohol for 20 years. I drank 6 or 7 days a week—not always to the point of blacking out, but there were stacks of those fuzzy nights in my career. I was a functioning alcoholic, as the oxymoron goes. Alcohol was a part of my DNA, family, friends, business, and identity for as long as I could remember.
The thought of getting sober and changing the one thread that ran through every aspect of my life seemed so daunting. Now, when I look around and see alcohol causing problems in people’s lives—when I see them trying repeatedly to change their relationship with alcohol and failing like I was—I realize that, for me, it was a failure of expectations.
I didn’t know what to expect in early recovery, when the terrain was difficult. Neither did I understand what to expect when it came to long-term benefits. Maybe, if I knew what to expect, I could have started healing sooner.
Everyone heals in a different way; it’s a personal thing like praying and politics. But when people ask me how to get started on this sober journey, our first conversation is around honest expectations.
In case you’re on this path—or even just considering it—here’s what, in my experience, you can expect on the journey ahead.
What to Expect When Getting Sober
1. Expect this to be hard.
After years of altering the chemistry of our brains, can we truly expect everything to magically resolve itself within a few weeks? The reason we find ourselves in this remarkable community is likely because we lack effective coping skills. Can we realistically learn about coping strategies, never mind practice and integrate those newfound skills and techniques, in a month? All while juggling a full-time job, raising children, and being a good partner?
Don’t anticipate this journey will be a walk in the park. Instead, expect it to be the equivalent of climbing Mount f-ing Everest in terms of personal growth. It will demand unwavering focus, sheer determination, and a willingness to put forth your utmost effort to conquer the challenges on this path.
Training, coaching, and taking time for introspection to process this profound transformation are all vital for success. Let go of any illusions of emerging from this journey unscathed. You’ll face setbacks, your ego will take blows, and, as Big Mike said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”
Expect to be sucker-punched and shed some tears. You’ll have to work harder than you ever thought possible, tapping into a well of strength you didn’t know existed because you never truly believed in your ability to accomplish the seemingly impossible.
2. Expect to get tired.
You’ve likely never experienced this level of mental or physical exhaustion before. When you’re sober, time becomes a gift, and you must fill it with meaningful activities. Things like immersing yourself in “quit lit” and other addiction-related content and environments to become an expert in the field. Things like educating yourself about the tools and skills required for the transition.
Push yourself to the limit. Embrace a beast mode mentality. Exercise vigorously in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Allow all that anxiety to dissipate as sweat drips down your forehead, pushing your revitalized body to heights it hasn’t reached in years, or perhaps ever. Incorporate yoga and breathwork into your life. Fill your schedule to the point that when Happy Hour arrives, you’re already so exhausted that scratching an itch on your head would be impossible, let alone heading to the pub in your newly forming muscle shirt.
And, of course, if this particular way of maxing out and filling time doesn’t work for you, find something that does!
3. Expect to be confused.
The world around us transforms when we view it with fresh eyes, and this new perspective can be bewildering at first. Things we once thought certain become uncertain. Places we believed we loved become as unwelcoming as a dimly lit alley before dawn, filling us with trepidation. People we thought we could rely on drift away. Others—perhaps loved ones—remove their masks, revealing unexpected motives.
The entire scene can be awkward and disorienting, reminiscent of our first day in high school when we weren’t quite sure where to sit because everything was so new and confusing.
4. Expect to feel overwhelmed at times.
If we take this lifestyle change seriously, we’ll probably find ourselves shedding tears. You might feel as lost as a toddler in a crowded mall. The task ahead may seem insurmountable. Hopelessness and utter panic might arise.
Such feelings are likely familiar. But this time, when the rollercoaster of emotions arrives, you won’t be reaching for your old friend Jack, calling Jose, or relying on the Beam family; you’ll have to figure out how to sit with your own discomfort. No one will come to change your metaphorical diaper, no matter how sorry you feel for yourself. You must sit in it, intimately acquainting yourself with the emotions you’ve repressed for so long. The feelings you’ve numbed will emerge from hibernation like a protective mother bear.
5. Expect to be emotionally uncomfortable (and perhaps afraid).
Most of us are here because we experience emotional discomfort, fear, or apprehension around changing our relationship with alcohol. In fact, many of our “problems” are rooted in some form of fear. It’s frightening to realize how far we’ve allowed ourselves to slide. It’s scary to think that our partner is serious this time when they say they’ll leave if we don’t change.
The most emotionally uncomfortable part is recognizing how accustomed we’ve become to deceiving ourselves. Many of us take pride in maintaining a high level of integrity in our interactions with others. And yet, with honest assessment, it can be embarrassing to admit how dishonest we’ve become.
Embrace being uncomfortable to the point that your body betrays you, resulting in sweat and a quivering voice. I recall my own voice cracking like a 14-year-old with acne when I uttered the words, “No thanks, I don’t drink,” during my first poker night with the guys. My knees shook, and I clenched sweaty hands under the table.
6. Expect to be smiling at the finish line.
Visualize the new version of yourself as if it has already come to fruition. Envision inner peace, self-respect, and the admiration of others earned through leading by example rather than mere words. Picture yourself healthier than you’ve been in years, engaging in life with purpose.
Imagine the money you’ve saved by redirecting it away from poison. Envision embracing a new sense of self and a new narrative that has begun to unfold. Imagine flipping through the pages of a book and realizing that the second half of it remains blank. You get to write the ending.
7. Expect us to be there for you when it all becomes too much.
Lean on your tribe early and often, but remember that you alone must bear the weight of this journey. No one can give it to you; you can’t buy it, find it in a pill, or steal sobriety.
Genuine change, profound personal transformation, can only be achieved through hard work and a well-crafted plan that includes accountability. If you discover a shortcut, please be the first to share it.
Expect to hear the truth from us, even when it may hurt. Sometimes the timing of truth can be the most painful aspect, but that doesn’t diminish its significance. Progress isn’t possible when operating under false information or blinded by ignorance. Don’t be surprised if your previous assumptions about life and people prove wrong.
We’ll be here for you, even when you make mistakes, but don’t expect to be shielded from the truth. We won’t bullshit you. We love you enough to refrain from sugarcoating reality.
8. Expect to give back.
Many of us have spent our time immersed in the muck of addiction, and if you look closely, you’ll notice remnants still clinging to our work boots. When you emerge from the mire and have regained your strength, anticipate reaching out to help someone else.
It’s like a chain that continues to grow through hard work, love, and compassion. If you truly want to understand something, try teaching it. And when you’ve stripped away your ego through the steps above, you’ll naturally assume the role of an elder within the tribe, offering guidance to the ever-expanding community.
After all of this…
Expect to meet a better version yourself.
Expect peace.
Expect better sex.
Expect to be in a better financial position.
Expect to be on a different trajectory in life than your peers.
Expect to be told how good you look.
Expect to get your self-respect back.
Expect to be absolutely dumbfounded at how far you’ve come.
Expect to become uncompromising in your resolve to stay on the path that you’ve fought for.
Expect to forget about how hard it was to reach this place of greater resilience and ease.
Expect the earlier struggles and ongoing journey to be worth it!
This October marks my 6th year sober. I never expected to be this sober person. About twice a year, someone from my previous life will tell me they never expected to meet this healthy version of me either. My standards in life continue to rise as my expectations chase my imagination and my words become aligned with my thoughts and actions.
“To wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect.”
—Jane Austen.
Your turn!
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
Did your early sobriety journey (and beyond) match your expectations? What do you wish you’d known before setting out?
What are the greatest gifts or benefits you’ve experienced in sobriety?
What guidance would you offer others newer on the path?
And if you found this article helpful, please tap the little heart. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.
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Such an inspiring share, Peter! Grateful to know you on this journey!
Thanks for the great read. I’m a newbie on Day 18. Started the journey after my spouse said “we’re done”, unfortunately. Her only comment on the topic so far has been “I hope you’re doing it for yourself.” I am, but she means there is no “us” to be doing it for. All the shame, guilt and regret are my motivators. Wish I had figured out how to start this journey sooner, when it perhaps could have made a difference.