When the Performance Finally Ended

What helped me get sober and discover who I really was

“Do you feel you’re withdrawing?” the Emergency Room nurse asked me. From the exam table, my eyes shut to the fluorescent lighting, I said weakly, “Yes,” thinking she meant withdrawing from life, not alcohol. In 2019, I didn’t understand that I could be physically dependent on alcohol, nor did I understand that panic attacks can feel like your body is shutting down.

My final Day One wouldn’t be for another three years, but through that solo trip to the ER, I caught a clear glimpse of who I really was, and it scared me. For decades, I had been able to assuage the nagging feeling that I was not okay. Even after passing out in my seat while attending an interactive dinner theatre on my 41st birthday in 2011, even after waking up to go for a run at 7:30 a.m. only to realize it was 7:30 p.m. after drinking all day and passing out in 2016, I could point to my seemingly successful life as evidence that I was okay.

I was a classic “high-functioning alcoholic.” I had raised three kids on my own, was admired at work, and ran ultramarathons. My outsides were so polished, you could see yourself in them. And because I simply reflected back what people wanted to see, no one could get close enough to see that the glass cage I had built was seriously cracked.

The day prior to that emergency room visit in 2019, I wrote in my bright orange journal:

“I hit a brick wall that woke me up. I basically was drunk for a day and a half straight and didn’t leave the house or shower. It’s horrible to behave so out of control and I had to face that is what alcohol does to me when I am using it to suppress my anxiety.”

I went on to write that I texted with my sisters that day about my struggles, hoping to gain support and accountability. I began Day One the following day, and ended up taking a ride share to the hospital because I thought I might be dying.

Alone again, without the help or accountability I hoped for, after a week alcohol free, I convinced myself I must have been imagining my alcohol problem. I went back to drinking, blacking out, and performing impressively in all aspects of life. On the inside, the anxiety, shame, and unhappiness ironically compelled me not to abstain, but to use the poison that was also their main source of fuel more excessively.

In November 2022, once again I found myself in urgent care, again feeling like I was dying. Life as a high-functioning alcoholic was wearing me down. I dreamed of getting sober and wished desperately that someone would stage an intervention, because no matter how many Day Ones I grasped onto, I just couldn’t do it by myself, and each one slipped from my shaky fingers. Despite moving from the city to the suburbs the year prior, the performance followed me, and I held it aloft and kept it moving like I imagine those people inside bright red Chinese New Year dragons hold their section of gigantic puppetry.

In my light blue paper hospital gown, seeing my twenty-six-year-old son sitting next to me looking so calm in the face of what felt like rock bottom to me, I knew in my bones I had to close up my little production. I knew I had to make my dream of living alcohol free become a reality.

Here’s what worked for me:

1. I told the right people about my struggle. I had to find people who would truly be in my corner, not those attached to the shiny version of me. My sisters were not those people. In our family, performance of being admirable is valued above anything else—even supporting the family member who direly needs help. I instead found help and accountability in recovery spaces.

2. I made it my mission to discover who I truly was. I had been performing for so many years, I didn’t know who I was or what I liked. I just knew I was someone who wanted to be free of alcohol for good. From that north star, I stepped out of spaces where the performance slipped on too easily, and pushed myself into areas where my credentials, appearance, and status meant nothing. For me, this meant taking classes in astrology, ballroom dance, herbal medicine, jiu jitsu, writing, and yoga. I found the things that ignited a spark and that kept me moving toward my future, and I nurtured my interest.

3. I let go of people who were not 100% aligned with my path to freedom. I know this is a tough one. Trust me, though. You may not even have to be dramatic about moving on, as some relationships will organically fall away as you grow toward your authentic self. Once you start being who you truly are, living aligned to your highest good, new people will show up. They will support your desire to live your best life and want to share it with you.

I was compelled to write this piece because someone I love didn’t survive the performance of the high-functioning alcoholic. My beloved younger brother, an accomplished lawyer, dapper dresser, superb grill master, and champion of the underdog died on June 22, 2026 at the age of fifty-four. He always encouraged me to write, and I know he will be extra proud if my writing helps anyone break free from whatever is holding them back from living their best life.

If you’re sober, what worked for you? We’d love to hear in the comments.

And before you go, would you take a second to tap the heart? It helps more people find this work and supports our sober community.

We know that sharing about recovery and sobriety can feel vulnerable. Like in recovery groups, we ask that commenters in this space refrain from giving unsolicited advice or spreading hate and division. Thank you for helping us foster a kind and inclusive community.

---

Maria Luz O'Rourke helps others live freely and authentically, empowered by the wisdom of their soul and expressed through their unique energy. In 2024, she left a 29-year career in corporate pharma to begin a practice using spiritual modalities for healing and support. She writes the Substack newsletter Astrology, Alchemy, & Honest Recovery and hosts the podcast Conscious Curiosities. Her work has been featured in publications such as Story Circle Network and Sober App Substack. Her practice includes astrology, tarot, hypnosis, herbalism, dreamwork, and psychic mediumship.

---

Want to be published on Sober.com? If you’re sober and interested in contributing, we’d love to hear from you. Reach out to our newsletter manager here for submission guidelines. We welcome and celebrate all paths to getting and staying alcohol free.