Astrology Saved My Life
And led me back to my true self in sobriety
Want to hear Kaitlyn read this essay? Hit play here:
There are no two humans alike on earth, and no two recovery paths that look the same. We’re all unique—especially according to astrology.
In 2020, just before lockdown, I decided to get sober.
The catalyst to end my drinking happened in 2019, when I had a seizure on the floor of a bar. I continued to experience symptoms, which led to me feeling too scared to leave the house. I finally decided to go to the hospital, and the doctors couldn’t tell me anything. They referred me to psych, where I received my diagnosis of panic disorder, insomnia, and depression.
I left the doctor’s office with a bunch of pills and no follow-up plan—that was the moment I knew I needed to do more for myself.1
Shortly after deciding sobriety was the path I needed to take, I traveled home to Canada to be with my mom. With all of the uncertainty in the world, being close to her felt like the best option.
This also meant leaving my partner at the time and my dog in Thailand.
I traveled through multiple airports—a challenging place for newly sober me, especially during a pandemic. My flight was the last to go before the rest were canceled. I watched the departure screens turning red in front of my eyes. Emptiness filled the halls that were once full and alive with excited travelers.
Lucky me, I was flying first class thanks to my dad’s travel points, and not-so-lucky sober me was turning down all the free alcohol I could have wanted. It was the most challenging trip of my life.
When I landed in Halifax after 36 hours of travel, I couldn’t even hug my mom. I started the 2.5-hour drive to the house and started my quarantine, alone.
With time to kill in the middle of nowhere in Nova Scotia, I turned to learning. This is where my interest in astrology started to peak. My days were filled with yoga, art, hula hooping, and anything I could get my hands on other than the bottle.
Astrology was one of those things I couldn’t quite grasp. I remember reading my horoscopes in the newspapers and Cosmopolitan magazine when I was young, but my interest never went further than entertainment and a smidge of hope. I was a skeptic, but I decided to give it a chance.
A roadmap, the elements, and my Saturn return
From the first day of the online class, I was hooked. Suddenly there was a roadmap and, being newly sober, a roadmap was something I desperately needed.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Girl, you were so desperate that you walked straight into a cult.
Honestly, at that point in my recovery journey, I probably would’ve joined a cult if the opportunity came through, but I knew in my heart this was exactly where I was meant to be.
Week by week, the layers of the onion that is me were peeled back, revealing parts of me I could never put words to. The childhood of isolation and loneliness, the needs that were never met, and my biggest challenges that I had been living on repeat were right in front of my eyes.
We started with the basics: the elements water, air, earth, and fire.
Water: our ability to feel, be still, dream, and hold space
Air: our ability to communicate effectively, use our mind, breathe, and cultivate curiosity
Earth: our ability to get shit done, plan, organize, and be consistent
Fire: our ability to have fun, honor our truth, inspire, and be active
This alone was life changing.
I learned how to embody a more balanced approach to the elements within my life. I recognized that my fire was low—I had no life left in me to give. Throughout those few weeks, I worked hard on cultivating the fire that previously had only come out with the help of alcohol. I was always the life of the party, the YouTube DJ, and the first one on the dance floor or to suggest a wild midnight adventure to my friends.
Without the bottle, I had to remember what it felt like to feel joy, or to feel anything at all.
The real turning point was the lesson about Saturn—our life lesson. I learned that I’m meant to embrace my uniqueness and the darkness inside of me. Making friends with the things I saw as a child that no child should ever see—to integrate and hold those tender parts of me with love.
“It is this tender heart that has the power to transform the world.”
~ Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
At this stage in my life, I was at the precipice of a period we go through called our Saturn return. It happens around the ages of 28-30, and it’s a time where the timekeeper comes to check on whether or not we’ve been doing what we came here to do.
I was not.
I was closed off and skating on the surface of my relationships. During that time, I wrote in my journal: “I want to be connected, but I just don’t know how.”
“I will be better. I will figure it out. I will help. I will heal. I will learn to love myself enough to put myself out there.”
The Saturn return is the time in our lives when we are faced with reality. There’s no more avoiding the work. We (hopefully) become more intentional towards our purpose, and we cultivate the discipline and maturity required to fulfill it.
During our class on Saturn, I recalled each phase of the Saturn cycle, and tears poured out of me. The pain I had been holding onto and which had kept me from opening up with vulnerability in my closest relationships, the heartbreak and mistrust I kept inside, and the darkness I was too ashamed to show flowed out of me as if it had been waiting eagerly for that moment to be invited to the surface.
I felt held in the space of my peers to let my walls down, and it was at that exact moment I knew there was something to this astrology talk.
A quick little exercise for you, if you’re willing:
Think back to the ages of seven, fourteen, twenty-one, and twenty-eight. What was going on in your life around those times?
Are there any common threads of connection?
If there are common threads, what are they? You may be surprised to find out the challenges you faced at each of those periods of life are connected and point towards the soul work you’re here to do in this lifetime.
The more we resist Saturn, the harder our journey will be.
According to my own natal Saturn in Aquarius in the 8th house, I’m here to embrace the darkness—facing my demons while sharing my heart with my community. This is also the part of me who was isolated and was prone to addiction in the first place, but as we learn to work with the energies embedded in our being, we’re able to work with our challenges and turn them into our greatest gift.
Each part of me was laid out in a way I could comprehend. I could see myself in each planetary placement—my blindspots were cracked open, and I could see the parts of myself I once hated and felt shame towards. The observer in me was turned on, and I viewed my path with curiosity and compassion, rather than shame.
Seeing these parts of myself in a way that made sense in my logical mind allowed me to connect the bridge between my closed, cold heart to my curious mind. I began to see myself and in those moments I learned to love every part of myself. I now had a guidepost on the path that was once dark and lonely.
Astrology allowed me to build a solid foundation on which to build my newfound sober life, and it provided a guide towards the future I almost didn’t get an opportunity to experience.
Astrology led me back to my true self when I almost lost her forever. Astrology saved my life. I felt worthy enough to keep going because of what astrology taught me about myself. I learned to love every part of me, and now I have the pleasure of helping others fall in love with themselves, too.
Your turn!
We’d love for you to share in the comments:
Do you have an experience of finding your way back to your true self in sobriety?
Did any systems, practices, or modalities support you in this?
If you did Kaitlyn’s exercise, did you notice any common threads across the ages?
And if you found this article helpful, please tap the little heart. It lets others know there’s something useful here and will help us grow this community.
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I fully support the use of medication when it’s offered as a tool rather than a be-all end-all. Please talk to your doctor to determine the right path for you.
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